Ah yes - Making the move

Because I wanted to be a follower I felt it was time for a change, I've taken the plunge and I've switched over to wordpress.

Join me

I have a Sex Tape?

*Ring Ring*

Me: Hello
Unidentified Caller: I have a tape of you having sex
Me: Hello? What?
Unidentified Caller: I have a tape of you having sex
Me: What? Who is this?
Unidentified Caller: I can’t say, I just have you on tape having sex with someone.
Me: With who?
Unidentified Caller: I can’t tell you.
Me: I want to see it.
Unidentified Caller: Well I can’t give it to you over the phone. I can meet you somewhere.
Me: Where are you gonna meet me at? You know, you’re about a
DUMB ASS MUTHA FUCKER. You won’t tell me who you are, or who I’m with in my “sex tape” but you’re about to meet me somewhere?
Unidentified Caller: *CLICK*

I have a sex tape. I wonder if its VHS, Beta? Maybe he’ll put it on You Tube oh wait – it’s a TAPE (obviously not up to speed with digitizing things, otherwise, I would have gotten an email with my video, or a link to my uploaded sex clip – dumb ass didn’t think his little prank through. E40, your friends are WACK.)

I hope the camera angle does me justice.

Chugging a Diet Coke - who does that?

Apparently the bartender at Baxters thought I did.

Yes I drink rum and diet coke. A refreshing alcoholic beverage with 1/2 the guilt. I'm not sure why Mr. Bartender thought that I was sucking diet coke super fast through the straw just for the hell of it. Who does that? Seriously. He asked me if I wanted another drink, I said yes, and slurpped what was remaining in my cup. He proceeded to refill my glass with JUST diet coke. I almost fell off my bar stool from the laughter.

Kindergarten Crush

Funny how I remember this after all these years. This is crazy....DUDE I was smooth as shit back in Kindergarten!!

Jerome Encomienda - he had a little bowl hair cut and dimples. My first crush ever. Then there was David and my friend Marisol.

Jerome and his little friend David would chase Marisol and I around the big boxy jungle jim. Marisol and I would end up climbing all the way to the top and the boys would run circles around the jungle jim in the sand box like hungry wolves waiting for their prey to succumb and climb down. Alas, we never gave in. The bell would eventually ring, Jerome and David would run off into the hallway back to class and leave us sitting atop the jungle jim, victorious in the game of cat and mouse or wolf and prey....whatever it was.

In addition to the chasing, Jerome and David would pull our hair. In Kindergarten my mom always fixed my hair up into pigtails and added some sort of bow to make me look fly. Apparently , I was OCD back then too, because when these two little shits would chase us they would pull our pig tails resulting in hair bumps thus ruining the rest of my day. Back then I didn't have hair supplies readily available in my Strawberry Shortcake lunch box, much less know how to do my own hair. Why messed up hair bothered me in Kindergarten is a mystery. A result of my smoothness I'm sure.

I wonder what Jerome is doing now and if he still has that bowl hair cut.

Old News - Reminiscing a Bit

It's natural to think of the past - I'm not dwelling on it anymore, and I've moved on. I bounce back pretty quick once I get the crap out of my system, but this thought was pretty funny to me about a guy I used to "date".

When he was trying to make me believe that the "other woman" meant nothing, and I went on about how I wanted more respect and chivalry and he wasn't cutting it, He had the audacity to say...

Hold on.....

He said that people don't date like I seem to think they do, this isn't the 1950's. Dating of yesteryear is long gone. In other words his idea of dating and what he has always done was go out drinking and/or hang out at home with a bottle and end the night with some mindless drunk fucking. He had me suckered for some time and I have to laugh at my stupidity. I also laugh at his ignorance and complete disregard for being chivalrous and his disrespect for women. I imagine a lot of men think that way (shit, I've come across 99% of them) because some guys are just naturally douche bags who truly believe that's what dating is. It is hard to find the good ones.

On that note, If I choose to end a date with mindless drunk fucking, I will, but only after I've been treated properly. Cheap rum, Coke and Blockbuster aren't doing it for me anymore. Raw fish and martinis are always a good way to start.

True Blood and Harper's Island

Harper's Island - although it's only a short lived self contained "mini-series" (currently on episode 6), it's freaking AWESOME. 13 weeks, 25 suspects, 1 killer, and I cannot wait to find out who it is! I get sucked into the spoilers and message boards. Uber Geeky.

Far from reality TV, it's actually refreshing to see some scripted acting going on instead of the redundant "find me love", bickering, and fighting. These fucking "I want love" shows piss me the hell off. They are pointless! They always come back for more seasons. What gives them the luxury of having 2 or more seasons of 20+ eligible douche bags to choose from? Oh yes, money and ratings, but dammit, yes I get sucked the fuck in.

I digress

REAL T.V. i.e. Harper's Island. It's great. It actually takes me back to my childhood when the miniseries V was on. I loved it. I think that miniseries turned me Trekkie. 1984 science fiction at its best, and my panties bunched up once a week for that show! Alien lizards try to take over Earth - it gets me excited thinking about it. No correlation to Harper's Island at all other than the fact that it was a mini-series.

True Blood - On HBO (great series on a premium channel - BOO at having to pay extra, but so worth it!). Lost Boys was the first Vampire movie I can remember watching, I loved it. More because of my infatuation with the Corey's, never the less, Lost Boys started it. Long line of Vampire movies to follow; Interview with the Vampire, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Queen of the Damned, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Van Helsing, Fright Night, Blade (all of them), Underworld (both), Love at First Bite, From Dusk till Dawn, 30 days of Night, Twilight, Vampire in Brooklyn....those are only ones I've watched.

Anyway, True Blood brings Vampires mainstream. A company develops a synthetic blood drink, appropriately called "True Blood" with the purpose of allowing Vampires to "come out of the closet" and prove that humans don't have to fear them or fear for their lives since they can get all of their dietary needs fufilled from this synthetic blood and not them. Although about vampires, It really mirrors reality and everyday life - prejudice, ignorance, stereotyping - *deep*

Memorial Day Jump Off

Dating. Yes I have been, and despite my natural instinct to nest with the first man who doesn't get on my nerves and has the ability to make me laugh, I have not done so....yet (and don't plan on it...yet). Yay Me. I'm going slow this time - not letting History repeat itself.

Friday night was Cherry Martini Memorial Day Weekend Jump off night. I don't mean jump off like a booty call, I mean jump off to the Memorial Day weekend. LCG came over with the martini ingredients and some cherries. I personally prefer maraschino cherries in my martinis, but he came over with some big ass seeded cherries to slam dunk, I mean slide, into the martinis. It was the thought that counts, I laughed my ass off. A for effort. I guess he doesn't drink cherry martinis often. Probably a good thing - he might be unknowingly ridiculed like pineapple cup was. I quickly forgot about the big ass seeded cherries though when he pulled out the roses - it was sweet and Fuck, I'm not used to this.

It was fun. Too bad Esq couldn't join in on the festivities. We polished off the cherry vodka and pomegranate schnapps (I didn't know that flavor existed!) and when we were done I sang a couple Metallica Songs on the XBOX because I RAWK.

Text Messaging

Who says you can't have meaningful conversations via text? Certainly not I. In fact, I think I've done everything short of selling my soul to the Devil via text. Let's see.....I've:

• voted on which case has the 10k in it on Deal or No Deal
• sent text messages to the radio station giving them my "feedback"
• given and received directions
• arranged dates
• ordered a drink at the bar
• had text sex. HA - seriously it was one sided text sex. They send me pictures, I laugh hysterically and forward it to my friends
• expressed feelings

It's so non-committal, you can't see my expression, I can judge your spelling and grammar and talk shit. I don't like having real conversations all the time, some people haven't perfected the art of phone conversation. Text me.

Spell Check is Yer Frend

Another noteworthy profile. His message was coherent and included the proper punctuation but damn homie, why?

Very fisically fit...At first I thought "fiscally" fit and was somewhat impressed "yeah this guy is all about investing and being financially secure". Um no, I continued to read and figured out that Mr. "I make a mean face for my camera phone picture" just doesn't care to portray himself intelligently and couldn't give a damn about spell/grammar check. Maybe it's because he's 1/2 Irsih?

I like wine, I'm no expert. I drink wine out of the box, and screw top bottles - Fuck it, but I certainly know that Pinot "Gritio" is NOT spelled like that.

P.S. Dude - What is a small BARN fire? Are we gonna tip some of them cattle too? If we set a barn on fire, it might end up rather big...

My bone of contention is this - don't talk the big talk trying to impress all the fish in the sea and then spell shit wrong. It's contradictory and makes you look like a dumbass. Hopefully I don't look like a dumbass myself should there happen to be some alternate spelling that I don't know about. Hey, I spell check all my shit and for the record fisically is just wrong.

Road Rage

I swear, when I think I've had it with missed connections, something like this makes it all worthwhile. Sure there have been a couple that I thought were for me. One practically SCREAMED my name, but I suppose the dumb ass who wrote it didn't anticipate a response and he got scared, someone was just fucking with me as I initially suspected or he just doesn't know how to check his email. Whatever.

I digress, this though, this is hilarious. I love passive aggressiveness when it's not directed at me or anyone care about.

I admit I sometimes drive aggressively, maybe to the point where I just might piss off other people on the road. I'll even go as far as to be pissed off at everyone else on the road because they're ALL in my way. Sure it's ass backwards, but they're hindering my progress. I need to get home and watch water boil or something and everyone is being so damn careful obeying the damn speed limit and stopping at red lights. Live a little, go 5MPH over the posted limit. I promise you won't get pulled over unless you're in Emporia.

Anyhow, I love this missed connection!

Reality Check Mate - Does everything happen for a Reason?

Destiny - a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency.

I've always maintained that everything happens for a reason. Does everyone really have a predetermined course set? When I was born, was it in the stars that I would eventually join the military, have a child, get married (yes in that order) subsequently divorced and then end up dating a bunch of jerks? Who makes up these orders for Destiny anyway?

"Yes, this one, she will go through many failed relationships, finish school, be employed by a huge corporation and own 20 cats that can predict the weather"

Can we change our destiny? Does every decision we make have a hidden purpose no matter how random it is? If its predetermined, then the fixed sequence of events is inevitable and unchangeable. Does free will change destiny? Can individuals choose their own destiny by choosing different paths throughout life?

I is Educated

It's time to register for more classes.
BLEEEEEEECH, meh.
I don't like school.

Bless the Women that give Pedicures

I sure as hell could not sit there and massage the feet of a nasty woman (or man for that matter) every day. HELL no. Clipping their toenails, sanding rough spots *barf*. I'm not sure if I can think of a worse job right now. Ew.

and another Thank You......

....To LCG for the Birthday Flowers.....
I feel so speeeeeeshul.

Birthday Happy Hour at the Chop House

A couple Beers; the brand is Jomo, pronounced HOMO (I kid you not), a small dish of whipped cream, Amsterdam boys and a shot of Bacardi.

The whipped cream was curious. I dug around the dish for something solid, cake maybe? ice cream. No, it was just a small dish of whipped cream. I'm not sure whether I was supposed to eat it or take my shirt off and rub it on my nipples.

I keed, I keed......

I was with a couple co-workers so I obviously did not voice this thought, because well, I don't want to tarnish my work image. One coworker, I'll call him Indiana Jones, made a comment about the whipped cream and being more flexible *insert pause here*.......It worked out that he made the lewd comment instead of me. AHA!!! But I thought it Mr. Jones!!!! Maybe I uttered the words under my breath, OK yeah I did......Yes, I thought the words about smearing whipped cream all over me out loud (out loud but under my breath) - L.B. (other coworker) heard me. I was caught. DAMN IT.

There is a very cute bartender too, all these bartenders, so little time. I refrained from unleashing my smoothness on him. He'd fall victim to my game. I'll take it easy on Bartenderoni II but only because he's engaged and has a kid etc so on and so forth.

Thank You!!!!!!.....

.....for the Birthday Tulips Secret Admirer.....

Happy Birthday to Me

Today marks the day some unspoken number of years ago that I was spit out from between my mother's legs. To commemorate this joyous day, I will take a look at a few things about this date that make me who I am.

My Birth number:
My birth number is 4. We are sensible and traditional, we like order and routine. We only act when we fully understand what we are expected to do. We like getting our hands dirty and working hard. We are attracted to the outdoors and feel an affinity with nature. We are prepared to wait and can be stubborn and persistent. We (I)should learn to be more flexible and to be nice to (myself)themselves

My sign:
Taurus - The Bull. Bulls are noted for determination. We get to where we are going, not because we are exceptionally fast or clever, but because we will not be distracted from our goals. Our need for stability and simplicity can motivate us to create a life for ourselves that is quite functional, though it might seem boring to someone else. But we aren't interested in taking unnecessary risks that can put our solid footing in jeopardy.

Our motto might be "Take care of the senses and everything else will take care of itself." It may be that our attraction to material things is less about the objects themselves than it is about the pleasure they bring to our senses. Comfortable living and working space is important to us, along with nice linens, clothing, food and music. And, as one of the most practical signs, our outlook on life is usually quite sensible. As we plod along in life, getting what you need in order to survive, don't forget to look at the beauty that is beyond the material world of material possessions.

The Badgers Method of Getting Laid for the Extremely Pathetic

This is a special treat: spotlight on the Badger. If you recall the Naked Man, this is reminiscent of that scenario. The Badger, something like a super hero in his own right, and I go way back. I've seen him in action on a couple occasions, but have heard the stories more times than I can count. His swagger is none to be reckoned with. With that said, I give you:

The Badgers Method of Getting Laid for the Extremely Pathetic:

There are three main scoring methods:

1-First, the tried and true badger method. This requires extreme patience on my part (kind of like what bastard Riki Tiki Tavi has to do with the poor cobra...you know wait for a mistake). This method has a 25% success rate.

2-Method two requires letting them drink me pretty. I stay in pretty decent shape so the muffin ass wears them down after a while. They just have to get past the mug. After a good six-pack I see them weakening. I then swoop in with my "charming banter and endless supply of jokes and one-liners". This method has a 75% success rate with fat chicks and even higher with the generally hideous.

3-The last method I use is the "find a flaw" method. I look for girls with pirate hooks, cross-eyes, midgets (oh sorry...little people), and those with defects such as cleft lips and goiters. I then stare at the problem area for large amounts while conversing with them. They feel so self conscious that the badger gets some ass about 33% of the time. If these methods don't work, I resort to extreme bouts of crying to or rocking back and forth in the fetal position. This helps me land the occasional bleeding heart or PETA member.

Cherries in my Drink

...but not in Esq's. It's become a known fact that if you put anything sweet in Esq's drinks she will spit.

Our bartender is awesome. He hooks us up like no other, even more than Johnny blue eyes at the Disney Hotel - and I thought he was good. Last night, in an effort to avoid dried spit along the side of my car, Bartender skips the cherries for Esq because we both say in unison as he sets our drinks down:

"Sweet things make her spit"

He looks at us innocently and asks:

"If sweet makes you spit does salty make you swallow?"

**As a side note, I had to totally apologize to Bartenderoni. He was working and I felt like a complete idiot after slamming my business card down like the High Joker the other day at lunch.. I'm sure he had some sort of flashback as well.

Thought O' the Day

Cinco de Mayo

May 5 - Cinco de Mayo - Observed in the United States and other locations around the world as a celebration of Mexican heritage and pride (not to be confused with Mexican Independence Day September 16th).

On a side note: Today is my nephews Birthday - I have to give him a shout out, I mean, I am his favorite Aunt - I'm extremely smooth, right? Happy Birthday Nephew - I love you!

All I know is that growing up in Southern California, 7 miles from the border, in addition to spending a large portion of my junior and senior years of High School in Tijuana partying it up at club XS and on Revolucion, for me, Cinco de Mayo is a reason to drink heavily and act a fool.


Anyhow, I'll celebrate tomorrow. Strawberry Margaritas in really big, gay looking plastic over sized martini tumblers. Awesomeness.

Smooth Like the Buttocks of A Newborn Baby

Because my game is extra tight, I feel obligated to share this story because as we all know, there are always three versions: Her version, My version and the TROOF.

So it goes like this. Esq and I had lunch at our favorite Happy Hour Sports Bar & Grill - last minute decision. I normally go out for lunch anyway (If I'm lucky it's on someone elses tab...I keed I totally keed, you'll realize when I get to the part about how tight my game is that I am truly kidding), so I decided to throw out the spot as an option to see if Esq was up for it. Cool, and we go.

We walk in and sit down, one of the bartenders that we hadn't seen in a few weeks was working. He was running around sweating like nobody's business, poor thing. There were a handful of people sitting around the bar when we sat down, they all looked like they were finishing up. A couple minutes later Esq and I look up and everyone is gone. Bartender walks by and the exchange goes a lil something like this:

Bartenderoni: Is it just me or is it hot as hell in here?
Me: I don't know why you're so hot, there's nobody here but us two *Esq and I look all around the bar noting that it is empty and we are the only two sitting there*
Bartenderoni: I did this all by myself *as he looks around at all the empty plates and glasses*
Me: You're still working way too hard.

I mean damn, see how tight my game is?

Esq and I finish eating and pay our tabs. In the course of the convo over lunch, Esq asks me if I think Bartenderoni is cute. Yes, I would say so. I think to myself how I am going to SMOOTHLY slip him my number - because I am smooth as shit.

I pay my bill, sign, leave a tip and then right before we walk out, I SLAM my business card on the bar like it was the high joker in a game of spades. Fucking shit my game is tight. So, if I didn't scare him off with the slamming of the card onto the bar, he might call me. I say I have a 2% chance.

Hot Dog on a Stick

If you've never heard of Hot Dog on a Stick, it's a little mall franchise fast food place that serves...

wait for it, this is exciting...

a Hot Dog on a Stick

or for those that like variety and to test societal norms...

a Cheese Stick

The point of this is not to focus on the processed pork products, it's the underlying theme of decision making.

For the past few Friday's Esq and I have been frequenting Roger Brown's, and every Friday a menu is placed in front of us, and every Friday we look at the menu, and every Friday the same thing is ordered. So why do we sit there and look at the menu knowing that we're going to end up with the same damn thing in front of us in the end?

Imagine going to Hot Dog on a Stick with a whopping 2 choices on the menu:

Can I help you?



Oh gosh this is a really tough decision. Did you guys change the menu? I don't remember this many choices last time I was here.

No, nothing has changed. Same old hot dog on a stick and cheese stick that we've been making since 1946


Ok, well what kind of sauces do you have?


Ketchup and Mustard...JUST like last time.



Hmmmm, is the cheese stick pretty good with mustard?


*Blank Stare*




Wow, I'm just not sure. Hmmmmm, Ok, let me go ahead and try that hot dog on a stick you got there. It's pretty good right?


Mother fucker knew damn well when he walked up to the joint that he was gonna walk away with a gat dayum hot dog on a stick. Was all that really necessary?

True Playerz 4 Realz

A little background on the playerz: RT texts all the time. It's the text version of a person who runs their mouth nonstop because they like the sound of their voice and feel the need to share their voice with everyone in the vicinity. He sends messages to BK and I simultaneously. It's ridiculous. The funniest thing is that I never gave this guy my phone number. I never gave either guy my phone number. Only E40 had my phone number. RT and Thuggish supposedly took it upon themselves to "retrieve" my contact information from E40's phone. I think its all a big fucking junior high game to them. They're playing pass the number to see if one of them might possibly be charming enough to get some ass. I'm too old for this crap, and have more important shit to do than entertain gibberish in the form of text messages from dudes I never gave my number to ( I do have to add this disclaimer though - Thuggish is cute. Had he not been feeding my friend skrimps at the BBQ or trying to get with both my girls and had I met him under different circumstances and if he didn't have a criminal record......HA! ok nevermind)

WTF...

So, this has been going on since my trip to Florida. Text messages from RT that is, I rarely respond. When I do, its "Why are you texting me" "Isn't that kind of fucked up that you took my number from your boy" type shit.

Well - Thuggish throws himself in the mix. His texting style is suspiciously similar to RT's, and all of their texts come minutes apart.

Thuggish April 30 @ 6:13pm - Anyways I was jus textin to c how u and the girls were doin. E40 said yall dnt speak as much..I called him stupid n took ya number! Hope u dnt mind..

RT May 1 @ 4:50PM - Im sorry i wantd u 4 myself. And that i stole ya num from E40 phone. I hope u r wel and i jus wantd 2 chil w u and thot E40 was not goin 2 b ya type

RT May 1 @ 5:08PM - Tmobile boo. Lol. Yes its RT. No e. Do u accept my apology. I didnt hear from u n 4eva. Were u mad at me? And i have only 2 numbas.

Thuggish May 1 @ 5:15PM - Yeah im sure..I jus got off, wat u up to

RT May 1 @ 5:19PM - So how r u tho

RT May 1 @ 5:23PM - Naw. that was thuggish textn u. And y u thnk i b frontn. I was feeln u. neva frontd. But if thats how u feel. that hurts my feelns a lil

Thuggish May 1 @ 5:25PM - This is my number, ma..has anybody seen the beyonce movie?

Thuggish May 1 @ 5:30PM - Who u wit?..I gotta tke shower, told u I jus got off n I gotta drop RT off at ja by 630..u gonna have to guide me there cuz I dnt know the area..u already there.

Thuggish May 1 @ 5:30PM - if not we can ride together..want somethin to do tonite!

RT May 1 @ 5:31PM - She neva hitz me bak. Kinda like u. So thats y u said i b frontn. Wel aparantly u feeln my boi so ima fall bak. Have fun at roga browns.

Thuggish May 1 @ 5:36PM - Bout to walk-in now..I b ready to hook up afterwards tho..

RT May 3 @ 4:03PM - U mus be scared 2 talk 2 me. Y is that. Cus im real?

RT May 3 @ 6:55PM - Y on earth do u thnk i play games. I truly likd ur style and knew who realy plays games and a whole lota otha shit. Thats y i even wantd 2 talk 2 u. I th

RT May 3 @ 6:55PM - ot u and i wud bond prety gd. And BK is kool. But i was likn u. Am i wrong 4 that. Im grown. Dont play games. We were al supose 2 b friends. Its not li

RT May 3 @ 6:55PM - ke BK and i were talkn. Sory u feel that way. And y dont u and E40 talk n e more

RT May 3 @ 7:29PM - That was a mouthful

RT May 3 @ 8:34PM - I feel so stupid

Turns out that Friday night, all these fuckers are in the same car, texting this ridiculous shit to BK and I. (BK wasn't with us. Esq and I were at Happy Hour.) It's FUCKING STUPID and they wonder why we don't entertain their bull shit.

When Fantasy Trumps Reality

There is nothing better than a little game of cat and mouse across the bar with a guy, especially when the he has a chick sitting next to him. That's a compliment, right? There are certainly no expectations, not trying to move in on another girls man. It's innocent flirting. The dude had to go and ruin it though. Why did he have to say something and ruin the fantasy after his girl left?

True Story, this really happened at happy hour and Esq told the guy: "Dude don't talk to me, it was better when we were flirting across the bar"

I wanted to roll around on the dirty ass bar floor and laugh myself to tears, it was hilarious.

One Hundred

One hundred posts. w00t.

It appears that this is a tradition in blog-land to commemorate the 100th post. Sure I'll jump in and play along. Coincidentally, my 100th blog post parallels a couple other noteworthy events:

• Obamas first 100 days in office.
  
• Happy Hour starting at 3:30pm. Love in my drinks in T-minus 150 minutes.
• May Day

Exciting

Chicks Dig Run-on-Sentences

Wut!!??

I don't usually do this with my personal messages (Since I've discovered Date Wrecks, I get my fix of craziness there) I normally just call out randoms on Craigslist to maintain some sort of impersonality, but I couldn't resist this one:

and it says...

Seen your picture and felt your energy is that you often if so hope we can chat by the way im anthony

He seen my picture and felt my energy is that me often - Is he asking if I'm always that energetic in my pictures? Is that me often, often energetic? Wow, just wow. Complete run on sentence. Maybe he was mobile, I'll excuse the capitalization, but the punctuation, a couple extra button presses to put a period or a question mark in there so I could decipher the cryptic one liner, that was all. Yeah, I say fail.

But wait...

I go to his profile...

Turns out he's an Educator with a Masters Degree.

There is NO excuse for this, NONE.

Another Date Anotha Dolla

Last night I hung out with Dr. Noah again...

Prior to last night, i.e. yesterday afternoon - we had lunch. I like this guy. At lunch he showed up in his collared shirt, slacks, fresh hair cut and glasses. It was way cute!!!!!!. I kinda wanted to jump his bones in the restaurant, but I showed incredible restraint. yay me.

On a side note, I'm going to start calling him LCG, because that's the nickname that my friends and I have for him - inside thing we have about "Larry the Cable Guy". He looks and acts nothing like Larry the Cable Guy though. Much like E40 looks and acts nothing like E40. He reminds me more of Josh Hopkins A.K.A. Dr. Noah from Private Practice, I'm sure Esq will beg to differ, I shall await her response.
Anyhow....back to last night.....

I made dinner, and LCG brought over some scary movies. We ate dinner, drank a couple cervesas, watched movies and then played a couple rounds of guitar hero. My kinda man. Took me to lunch, laughed with me, drank some beers with me, watched movies with me, ate my food and didn't complain (I keed, I can cook), and played video games with me.

MySpace

I took the plunge - I deleted my space. HA...I mean, I deleted my MySpace. It was getting old, played out, juvenile. I've had it for so long and really I have no business as an established, career oriented, put together woman being on MySpace. In all honesty, getting rid of my space frees up time for XBOX live, facebook and blogging *blink*. I keed, I keed. I really am a grown ass woman, just have an inner child. I SWEAR.

My Missed Connection

My missed connection was a crock of shit. Yeah I responded to it - why the hell not? Funny thing is, 2 days later the Craigslist murders story was all over the news:

Ohhhh..Mmmm..Geeee

I'm somewhat relieved that I didn't get a response. I've had my eye out for some creepy dude watching me in the mornings at my sons school though. Still somewhat optimistic, I'm hoping there is some hot single, sane father lurking somewhere in the vicinity.

Miami is Nice, so I'll say it.....THRICE

Miami, Miami, Miiiiaaaaaaammmmmmmiiiiiii

A Guilty Pleasure of mine is the Golden Girls, YES, the Golden Girls. I love Rose. She reminds me of myself. Telling stories that make no sense. Rambling on about things that nobody understands. Talking about people and friends back home that may or may not exist.

I digress, this isn't about Rose...

Esq sent me a text this morning when she heard that "Dorothy", Bea Arthur, passed away this weekend. She will surely be missed, but on the same token, I think it's safe to say that she lived a good long life. We can look forward to a wonderful Golden Girls marathon so I have to make sure to check my listings and DVR them joints.

Indecisive Ass

I don't think I've ever met anyone more indecisive than me when it comes to men. One day they can be the bees knees and the next minute, I'm over it. I don't know why that happens because I'm all about routine and consistency. I eat a Mexican hot pocket every day without a second thought, but certain men, I analyze and over think and it's just...ugh.

Yes, I get annoyed easily. There are actually a few questions that I ask myself to determine whether there is any long term potential:

• Does the fucker get on my nerves?
• Does he drink out of a pineapple cup?
• Does he have more than 300 myspace friends?

Rum-n-Diet Coke "with love"

Love = Cherries

they look like hearts floating around the bottom of my drink

YUM

Friday after work, Happy Hour at Roger Brown's, our Bartender (he has become our bartender because on our 2nd visit he knew our drinks - so we heart him) decided to start throwing some love in our drinks. I thought he just wanted to see us tie the cherry stems in knots in our mouths *blank stare* but no, it was just a gesture of amore. It's such a shame that sweet things make Esq spit. The Love in her glass resulted in a stream of spit dried along the passenger side of my car. I'm sure she doesn't remember, but it was disgustingly hilarious.

Roger Brown's after work on Fridays - good times.

8 Things

(borrowed from one of the blogs I just found to stalk - it's great, Delightfully Inappropriate - Like me)

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:

1. Enjoying the summer
2. Riding my motorcycle more
3. Never working again, i.e. via retirement or winning copius amounts of money
4. Travelling around the world (dependent on the copius amounts of money)
5. Friday night Happy Hour at Roger Brown's
6. Visiting my brother and fam again.....I miss them and my baby nephew's are turning into men too fast. Yeah ok, they're about to graduate from high school.
7. Getting my spare bedroom painted and furnished.
8. Going to sleep early tonight - I can't get in bed before 1am for the life of me.

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Played Guitar Hero
2. Brushed my teef
3. Watched TV (refer to list of 8 shows that I watch)
4. Worked
5. Surfed craigslist missed connections
6. Shopped
7. Text messaged Dr. Noah
8. Made plans with Dr. Noah

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Win the lottery
2. Fly
3. Sing
4. Make calorie free fried chicken, matter of fact, I wish I could make calorie free food PERIOD. DAMN, I'd be rich. Fuck a Xenadrine pill.
5. Work on my own car - I can't tell you how many times I've been screwed over by auto shops.
6. Repair shit around my house. I suck at being a handy man.
7. Keep plants alive.
8. Run 3 miles in 11 minutes.

8 Shows I Watch:

1. The Office
2. Lost
3. Heroes
4. Samantha Who
5. Nip/Tuck
6. True Blood
7. How I met your Mother
8. Iron Chef

People really DO use Missed Connections, and now I has one!

Unless someone I know is fucking with me, which is highly probable, since they all know of my craigslist obsession. For now though, lets roll with the assumption that some, available, single man really did notice me:


So, let's break this down to reasons why I believe this is for me:

1. I am pretty *blink*
   
2. I have black hair.
3. I drop off my kid at said school every morning.
4. I do check my mirror religiously, although not for my hair. I have this obsession with checking to make sure I don't have boogers in my nose, eye crust, and/or junk in my teeth.
5. I drive said type of car.

We shall see...

The way to a mans heart

I have it down to a science:

Beer/Foodz/Sports/Sex

Not necessarily in that order.

Thought O' the Day

Real men eat raw fish and use chopsticks.

I have something important to tell you

I've been trying to call you and text you all day, I have something VERY important to tell you!

I don't understand this...

WHY, if there is something SO important, do I get 20 "Hey" and "what's up" texts and maybe a few calls in between, to all of which I do not respond. Then, about the 20th text, I am told that I am cold blooded because I have not, in fact, responded and I am missing out on some important information that said person has been trying to relay to me over the course of the last 20 "hey" and "what's up" text messages.

What?

If there was something that important that I had to know - YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME 19 TEXT MESSAGES AGO.

Good Woman where are you?

He still hasn't found what he's looking for

I now dub thee as
"The head shot phenomenon"

If it quacks like a date

I don't like to admit that the things I go on with people of the opposite sex are actually dates, but I suppose the reality is that they are, in fact, dates. Whatever.

Meeting #3: Dr. Noah - Awesome.

Adventures in the Mother Hood

One thing I haven't talked about are my (mis)adventures in the mother hood. Being a single mother has it's ups and downs, but being a single mother with an 8 year old boy who thinks he knows everything and is somewhat sensitive, trying to find the man of my dreams, and keeping those worlds from colliding - OH BOY.

Let's all thank the man upstairs for my quick wit and amazing sense of humor *blink*

I'm not sure why Esq finds hilarity in my suffering, but reading her recollection of events, I have to admit, is actually HILARIOUS.

My child stinks conversation
B: I stink you said I stink
Me: no I said you've been running around playing in the grass yeah you smell bad
B gets mad and storms upstairs
Me: damn am I not allowed to tell my child he doesn't smell right?! If he stinks he stinks!

The Hide and Seek Conversation
Me: B, I can hear you!
B: but you can't see Me!
Me: but I can hear you!
B: so where am I?
Me and Esq: behind the table!
B: whatever I'm going upstairs!

Still Wookin Pa Nub

I'm not sure if I even have words for this.



After the picture in ad #1 at the bar with the wife-beater he was feeling really fly, so he went home and took another picture (in the same exact pose, with the same exact expression). What can I say, he's always on the go, eh. We have an upgrade though, he likes to watch movies, so he added the picture standing by his television to reiterate that statement.....wearing his raincoat.

Oriental is a Rug

During my trip to the Happiest Place on Earth, I was lucky enough to find the hotel bar. At first I was upset because the sign said that there was a 2 drink limit. First thing that crossed my mind was Chuck-E-Cheese 2 drink per person limit. Understandable being a family type setting, they can't have people stripping and dancing on tables, however very disappointing after a long day of walking, line Nazi's, crowds etc.....Anyway, I ask Johnny the Colombian bartender with blue eyes (cute) about said rule, and he breaks it down that the rule means you can't carry more then 2 drinks away from the bar at a time......Ahhhhh, YES, so I park at the bar and end up chatting it up with Johnny blue eyes for most of the night.

Next day, one of the ladies that had been there that night was working, I proceeded to get a beer and she asked me if Johnny blue eyes had gotten my number because he claimed he was slick like that. I said no and she laughed. I sure would have given it up had he asked. He was good looking and hooking the drinks up for the amazing discount price. His comment apparently was, I love her eyes, I wonder if she's oriental? To which the other lady working responded:

"Johnny, oriental is a rug"

I made it a point to hang at the bar the next night and chat it up with Johnny blue eyes. I was telling my friends about him and how cute he was and my fear that he was short. Esq's response:

"I think all Colombians may be fun sized"

Happy Easter - I'm going to Florida :)

I've been deprived

I've come to the realization that I've been seriously taken for granted when it comes to men. It's really sad. After the dumbass that thought I would sit around and take his shit forever, I went out a few times with a really nice guy (so what if he drank out of a pineapple cup). My standards have been really low for some years now (OK my whole life). I've been trying to go out with men that actually give a damn and it's kind of working a bit. My friends look at me sideways when I get excited about being treated the way I should be treated. Oh well, it's new and exciting - and I'm easy to please.

The "Q"

I was supposed to get together with E40 and do something anyway and since he was bragging on his cooking skills, I figured I would round up the girls and have a cook out. I also figured it was a good way to get people over to play guitar hero with me. E40 got a couple of his friends and BK and Esq came over.

The plan was for E40 to come with supplies in hand.....you know meatz, beerz, and such. He showed up with his 2 boys: Thuggish Ruggish and Ralph Tresvant oh and some beerz. Cool - no problem, we all sat around and BS'd for a bit, got in a game of Wii bowling - I kicked ass by the way.

Time to fire up the grill...

E40 and Tresvant head to the store to get the supplies. BK, Esq and Thuggish start playing a drinking game "Never have I ever". You know the one where you make a statement and if you've done it you take a drink......Very Interesting.....It went something like this:

Never have I ever carved initials into someones back
BK takes a drink, Thuggish Ruggish *blank stare* then *blink*. I think he was taken aback by that revelation as it was completely contradictory to her innocent demeanor.
Never have I ever been to jail
BK and Thuggish take drinks

Thuggish, out of beer, goes to grab another. Of course we're wondering what he was locked up for.....

Never have I ever committed armed robbery
BINGO BANGO BONGO.......Thuggish drinks and says "That was cute"

The game continues and at some point, something is said that is so asinine (no pun intended) that I am the only one that Never have I ever. I end laughing so hard that I spew red wine out my nostrils and all over my forehead and shades. It was really cute, no really it was.

One of the major underlying events that we cannot overlook is the blatant violation of the "girl rule", not by the girls, but by the oblivious "how fast can I get in some pants" Tresvant and Thuggish. I don't know about other females, but you can't cross flirt with us - It's rather insulting to flirt with my girl and when she turns you down, move on to me. I mean damn, if I wasn't your first choice, kiss my ass. Now, being that they came with E40 saved them. That and the fact that they were pretty entertaining and from what we could tell, good people, besides being typical men -> "fast", we just brushed it off and carried on with the spades, guitar hero and beerz.

Good times.