Chugging a Diet Coke - who does that?

Apparently the bartender at Baxters thought I did.

Yes I drink rum and diet coke. A refreshing alcoholic beverage with 1/2 the guilt. I'm not sure why Mr. Bartender thought that I was sucking diet coke super fast through the straw just for the hell of it. Who does that? Seriously. He asked me if I wanted another drink, I said yes, and slurpped what was remaining in my cup. He proceeded to refill my glass with JUST diet coke. I almost fell off my bar stool from the laughter.

Kindergarten Crush

Funny how I remember this after all these years. This is crazy....DUDE I was smooth as shit back in Kindergarten!!

Jerome Encomienda - he had a little bowl hair cut and dimples. My first crush ever. Then there was David and my friend Marisol.

Jerome and his little friend David would chase Marisol and I around the big boxy jungle jim. Marisol and I would end up climbing all the way to the top and the boys would run circles around the jungle jim in the sand box like hungry wolves waiting for their prey to succumb and climb down. Alas, we never gave in. The bell would eventually ring, Jerome and David would run off into the hallway back to class and leave us sitting atop the jungle jim, victorious in the game of cat and mouse or wolf and prey....whatever it was.

In addition to the chasing, Jerome and David would pull our hair. In Kindergarten my mom always fixed my hair up into pigtails and added some sort of bow to make me look fly. Apparently , I was OCD back then too, because when these two little shits would chase us they would pull our pig tails resulting in hair bumps thus ruining the rest of my day. Back then I didn't have hair supplies readily available in my Strawberry Shortcake lunch box, much less know how to do my own hair. Why messed up hair bothered me in Kindergarten is a mystery. A result of my smoothness I'm sure.

I wonder what Jerome is doing now and if he still has that bowl hair cut.

Old News - Reminiscing a Bit

It's natural to think of the past - I'm not dwelling on it anymore, and I've moved on. I bounce back pretty quick once I get the crap out of my system, but this thought was pretty funny to me about a guy I used to "date".

When he was trying to make me believe that the "other woman" meant nothing, and I went on about how I wanted more respect and chivalry and he wasn't cutting it, He had the audacity to say...

Hold on.....

He said that people don't date like I seem to think they do, this isn't the 1950's. Dating of yesteryear is long gone. In other words his idea of dating and what he has always done was go out drinking and/or hang out at home with a bottle and end the night with some mindless drunk fucking. He had me suckered for some time and I have to laugh at my stupidity. I also laugh at his ignorance and complete disregard for being chivalrous and his disrespect for women. I imagine a lot of men think that way (shit, I've come across 99% of them) because some guys are just naturally douche bags who truly believe that's what dating is. It is hard to find the good ones.

On that note, If I choose to end a date with mindless drunk fucking, I will, but only after I've been treated properly. Cheap rum, Coke and Blockbuster aren't doing it for me anymore. Raw fish and martinis are always a good way to start.

True Blood and Harper's Island

Harper's Island - although it's only a short lived self contained "mini-series" (currently on episode 6), it's freaking AWESOME. 13 weeks, 25 suspects, 1 killer, and I cannot wait to find out who it is! I get sucked into the spoilers and message boards. Uber Geeky.

Far from reality TV, it's actually refreshing to see some scripted acting going on instead of the redundant "find me love", bickering, and fighting. These fucking "I want love" shows piss me the hell off. They are pointless! They always come back for more seasons. What gives them the luxury of having 2 or more seasons of 20+ eligible douche bags to choose from? Oh yes, money and ratings, but dammit, yes I get sucked the fuck in.

I digress

REAL T.V. i.e. Harper's Island. It's great. It actually takes me back to my childhood when the miniseries V was on. I loved it. I think that miniseries turned me Trekkie. 1984 science fiction at its best, and my panties bunched up once a week for that show! Alien lizards try to take over Earth - it gets me excited thinking about it. No correlation to Harper's Island at all other than the fact that it was a mini-series.

True Blood - On HBO (great series on a premium channel - BOO at having to pay extra, but so worth it!). Lost Boys was the first Vampire movie I can remember watching, I loved it. More because of my infatuation with the Corey's, never the less, Lost Boys started it. Long line of Vampire movies to follow; Interview with the Vampire, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Queen of the Damned, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Van Helsing, Fright Night, Blade (all of them), Underworld (both), Love at First Bite, From Dusk till Dawn, 30 days of Night, Twilight, Vampire in Brooklyn....those are only ones I've watched.

Anyway, True Blood brings Vampires mainstream. A company develops a synthetic blood drink, appropriately called "True Blood" with the purpose of allowing Vampires to "come out of the closet" and prove that humans don't have to fear them or fear for their lives since they can get all of their dietary needs fufilled from this synthetic blood and not them. Although about vampires, It really mirrors reality and everyday life - prejudice, ignorance, stereotyping - *deep*

Memorial Day Jump Off

Dating. Yes I have been, and despite my natural instinct to nest with the first man who doesn't get on my nerves and has the ability to make me laugh, I have not done so....yet (and don't plan on it...yet). Yay Me. I'm going slow this time - not letting History repeat itself.

Friday night was Cherry Martini Memorial Day Weekend Jump off night. I don't mean jump off like a booty call, I mean jump off to the Memorial Day weekend. LCG came over with the martini ingredients and some cherries. I personally prefer maraschino cherries in my martinis, but he came over with some big ass seeded cherries to slam dunk, I mean slide, into the martinis. It was the thought that counts, I laughed my ass off. A for effort. I guess he doesn't drink cherry martinis often. Probably a good thing - he might be unknowingly ridiculed like pineapple cup was. I quickly forgot about the big ass seeded cherries though when he pulled out the roses - it was sweet and Fuck, I'm not used to this.

It was fun. Too bad Esq couldn't join in on the festivities. We polished off the cherry vodka and pomegranate schnapps (I didn't know that flavor existed!) and when we were done I sang a couple Metallica Songs on the XBOX because I RAWK.

Text Messaging

Who says you can't have meaningful conversations via text? Certainly not I. In fact, I think I've done everything short of selling my soul to the Devil via text. Let's see.....I've:

• voted on which case has the 10k in it on Deal or No Deal
• sent text messages to the radio station giving them my "feedback"
• given and received directions
• arranged dates
• ordered a drink at the bar
• had text sex. HA - seriously it was one sided text sex. They send me pictures, I laugh hysterically and forward it to my friends
• expressed feelings

It's so non-committal, you can't see my expression, I can judge your spelling and grammar and talk shit. I don't like having real conversations all the time, some people haven't perfected the art of phone conversation. Text me.

Spell Check is Yer Frend

Another noteworthy profile. His message was coherent and included the proper punctuation but damn homie, why?

Very fisically fit...At first I thought "fiscally" fit and was somewhat impressed "yeah this guy is all about investing and being financially secure". Um no, I continued to read and figured out that Mr. "I make a mean face for my camera phone picture" just doesn't care to portray himself intelligently and couldn't give a damn about spell/grammar check. Maybe it's because he's 1/2 Irsih?

I like wine, I'm no expert. I drink wine out of the box, and screw top bottles - Fuck it, but I certainly know that Pinot "Gritio" is NOT spelled like that.

P.S. Dude - What is a small BARN fire? Are we gonna tip some of them cattle too? If we set a barn on fire, it might end up rather big...

My bone of contention is this - don't talk the big talk trying to impress all the fish in the sea and then spell shit wrong. It's contradictory and makes you look like a dumbass. Hopefully I don't look like a dumbass myself should there happen to be some alternate spelling that I don't know about. Hey, I spell check all my shit and for the record fisically is just wrong.

Road Rage

I swear, when I think I've had it with missed connections, something like this makes it all worthwhile. Sure there have been a couple that I thought were for me. One practically SCREAMED my name, but I suppose the dumb ass who wrote it didn't anticipate a response and he got scared, someone was just fucking with me as I initially suspected or he just doesn't know how to check his email. Whatever.

I digress, this though, this is hilarious. I love passive aggressiveness when it's not directed at me or anyone care about.

I admit I sometimes drive aggressively, maybe to the point where I just might piss off other people on the road. I'll even go as far as to be pissed off at everyone else on the road because they're ALL in my way. Sure it's ass backwards, but they're hindering my progress. I need to get home and watch water boil or something and everyone is being so damn careful obeying the damn speed limit and stopping at red lights. Live a little, go 5MPH over the posted limit. I promise you won't get pulled over unless you're in Emporia.

Anyhow, I love this missed connection!

Reality Check Mate - Does everything happen for a Reason?

Destiny - a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency.

I've always maintained that everything happens for a reason. Does everyone really have a predetermined course set? When I was born, was it in the stars that I would eventually join the military, have a child, get married (yes in that order) subsequently divorced and then end up dating a bunch of jerks? Who makes up these orders for Destiny anyway?

"Yes, this one, she will go through many failed relationships, finish school, be employed by a huge corporation and own 20 cats that can predict the weather"

Can we change our destiny? Does every decision we make have a hidden purpose no matter how random it is? If its predetermined, then the fixed sequence of events is inevitable and unchangeable. Does free will change destiny? Can individuals choose their own destiny by choosing different paths throughout life?

I is Educated

It's time to register for more classes.
BLEEEEEEECH, meh.
I don't like school.

Bless the Women that give Pedicures

I sure as hell could not sit there and massage the feet of a nasty woman (or man for that matter) every day. HELL no. Clipping their toenails, sanding rough spots *barf*. I'm not sure if I can think of a worse job right now. Ew.

and another Thank You......

....To LCG for the Birthday Flowers.....
I feel so speeeeeeshul.

Birthday Happy Hour at the Chop House

A couple Beers; the brand is Jomo, pronounced HOMO (I kid you not), a small dish of whipped cream, Amsterdam boys and a shot of Bacardi.

The whipped cream was curious. I dug around the dish for something solid, cake maybe? ice cream. No, it was just a small dish of whipped cream. I'm not sure whether I was supposed to eat it or take my shirt off and rub it on my nipples.

I keed, I keed......

I was with a couple co-workers so I obviously did not voice this thought, because well, I don't want to tarnish my work image. One coworker, I'll call him Indiana Jones, made a comment about the whipped cream and being more flexible *insert pause here*.......It worked out that he made the lewd comment instead of me. AHA!!! But I thought it Mr. Jones!!!! Maybe I uttered the words under my breath, OK yeah I did......Yes, I thought the words about smearing whipped cream all over me out loud (out loud but under my breath) - L.B. (other coworker) heard me. I was caught. DAMN IT.

There is a very cute bartender too, all these bartenders, so little time. I refrained from unleashing my smoothness on him. He'd fall victim to my game. I'll take it easy on Bartenderoni II but only because he's engaged and has a kid etc so on and so forth.

Thank You!!!!!!.....

.....for the Birthday Tulips Secret Admirer.....

Happy Birthday to Me

Today marks the day some unspoken number of years ago that I was spit out from between my mother's legs. To commemorate this joyous day, I will take a look at a few things about this date that make me who I am.

My Birth number:
My birth number is 4. We are sensible and traditional, we like order and routine. We only act when we fully understand what we are expected to do. We like getting our hands dirty and working hard. We are attracted to the outdoors and feel an affinity with nature. We are prepared to wait and can be stubborn and persistent. We (I)should learn to be more flexible and to be nice to (myself)themselves

My sign:
Taurus - The Bull. Bulls are noted for determination. We get to where we are going, not because we are exceptionally fast or clever, but because we will not be distracted from our goals. Our need for stability and simplicity can motivate us to create a life for ourselves that is quite functional, though it might seem boring to someone else. But we aren't interested in taking unnecessary risks that can put our solid footing in jeopardy.

Our motto might be "Take care of the senses and everything else will take care of itself." It may be that our attraction to material things is less about the objects themselves than it is about the pleasure they bring to our senses. Comfortable living and working space is important to us, along with nice linens, clothing, food and music. And, as one of the most practical signs, our outlook on life is usually quite sensible. As we plod along in life, getting what you need in order to survive, don't forget to look at the beauty that is beyond the material world of material possessions.

The Badgers Method of Getting Laid for the Extremely Pathetic

This is a special treat: spotlight on the Badger. If you recall the Naked Man, this is reminiscent of that scenario. The Badger, something like a super hero in his own right, and I go way back. I've seen him in action on a couple occasions, but have heard the stories more times than I can count. His swagger is none to be reckoned with. With that said, I give you:

The Badgers Method of Getting Laid for the Extremely Pathetic:

There are three main scoring methods:

1-First, the tried and true badger method. This requires extreme patience on my part (kind of like what bastard Riki Tiki Tavi has to do with the poor cobra...you know wait for a mistake). This method has a 25% success rate.

2-Method two requires letting them drink me pretty. I stay in pretty decent shape so the muffin ass wears them down after a while. They just have to get past the mug. After a good six-pack I see them weakening. I then swoop in with my "charming banter and endless supply of jokes and one-liners". This method has a 75% success rate with fat chicks and even higher with the generally hideous.

3-The last method I use is the "find a flaw" method. I look for girls with pirate hooks, cross-eyes, midgets (oh sorry...little people), and those with defects such as cleft lips and goiters. I then stare at the problem area for large amounts while conversing with them. They feel so self conscious that the badger gets some ass about 33% of the time. If these methods don't work, I resort to extreme bouts of crying to or rocking back and forth in the fetal position. This helps me land the occasional bleeding heart or PETA member.

Cherries in my Drink

...but not in Esq's. It's become a known fact that if you put anything sweet in Esq's drinks she will spit.

Our bartender is awesome. He hooks us up like no other, even more than Johnny blue eyes at the Disney Hotel - and I thought he was good. Last night, in an effort to avoid dried spit along the side of my car, Bartender skips the cherries for Esq because we both say in unison as he sets our drinks down:

"Sweet things make her spit"

He looks at us innocently and asks:

"If sweet makes you spit does salty make you swallow?"

**As a side note, I had to totally apologize to Bartenderoni. He was working and I felt like a complete idiot after slamming my business card down like the High Joker the other day at lunch.. I'm sure he had some sort of flashback as well.

Thought O' the Day

Cinco de Mayo

May 5 - Cinco de Mayo - Observed in the United States and other locations around the world as a celebration of Mexican heritage and pride (not to be confused with Mexican Independence Day September 16th).

On a side note: Today is my nephews Birthday - I have to give him a shout out, I mean, I am his favorite Aunt - I'm extremely smooth, right? Happy Birthday Nephew - I love you!

All I know is that growing up in Southern California, 7 miles from the border, in addition to spending a large portion of my junior and senior years of High School in Tijuana partying it up at club XS and on Revolucion, for me, Cinco de Mayo is a reason to drink heavily and act a fool.


Anyhow, I'll celebrate tomorrow. Strawberry Margaritas in really big, gay looking plastic over sized martini tumblers. Awesomeness.

Smooth Like the Buttocks of A Newborn Baby

Because my game is extra tight, I feel obligated to share this story because as we all know, there are always three versions: Her version, My version and the TROOF.

So it goes like this. Esq and I had lunch at our favorite Happy Hour Sports Bar & Grill - last minute decision. I normally go out for lunch anyway (If I'm lucky it's on someone elses tab...I keed I totally keed, you'll realize when I get to the part about how tight my game is that I am truly kidding), so I decided to throw out the spot as an option to see if Esq was up for it. Cool, and we go.

We walk in and sit down, one of the bartenders that we hadn't seen in a few weeks was working. He was running around sweating like nobody's business, poor thing. There were a handful of people sitting around the bar when we sat down, they all looked like they were finishing up. A couple minutes later Esq and I look up and everyone is gone. Bartender walks by and the exchange goes a lil something like this:

Bartenderoni: Is it just me or is it hot as hell in here?
Me: I don't know why you're so hot, there's nobody here but us two *Esq and I look all around the bar noting that it is empty and we are the only two sitting there*
Bartenderoni: I did this all by myself *as he looks around at all the empty plates and glasses*
Me: You're still working way too hard.

I mean damn, see how tight my game is?

Esq and I finish eating and pay our tabs. In the course of the convo over lunch, Esq asks me if I think Bartenderoni is cute. Yes, I would say so. I think to myself how I am going to SMOOTHLY slip him my number - because I am smooth as shit.

I pay my bill, sign, leave a tip and then right before we walk out, I SLAM my business card on the bar like it was the high joker in a game of spades. Fucking shit my game is tight. So, if I didn't scare him off with the slamming of the card onto the bar, he might call me. I say I have a 2% chance.

Hot Dog on a Stick

If you've never heard of Hot Dog on a Stick, it's a little mall franchise fast food place that serves...

wait for it, this is exciting...

a Hot Dog on a Stick

or for those that like variety and to test societal norms...

a Cheese Stick

The point of this is not to focus on the processed pork products, it's the underlying theme of decision making.

For the past few Friday's Esq and I have been frequenting Roger Brown's, and every Friday a menu is placed in front of us, and every Friday we look at the menu, and every Friday the same thing is ordered. So why do we sit there and look at the menu knowing that we're going to end up with the same damn thing in front of us in the end?

Imagine going to Hot Dog on a Stick with a whopping 2 choices on the menu:

Can I help you?



Oh gosh this is a really tough decision. Did you guys change the menu? I don't remember this many choices last time I was here.

No, nothing has changed. Same old hot dog on a stick and cheese stick that we've been making since 1946


Ok, well what kind of sauces do you have?


Ketchup and Mustard...JUST like last time.



Hmmmm, is the cheese stick pretty good with mustard?


*Blank Stare*




Wow, I'm just not sure. Hmmmmm, Ok, let me go ahead and try that hot dog on a stick you got there. It's pretty good right?


Mother fucker knew damn well when he walked up to the joint that he was gonna walk away with a gat dayum hot dog on a stick. Was all that really necessary?

True Playerz 4 Realz

A little background on the playerz: RT texts all the time. It's the text version of a person who runs their mouth nonstop because they like the sound of their voice and feel the need to share their voice with everyone in the vicinity. He sends messages to BK and I simultaneously. It's ridiculous. The funniest thing is that I never gave this guy my phone number. I never gave either guy my phone number. Only E40 had my phone number. RT and Thuggish supposedly took it upon themselves to "retrieve" my contact information from E40's phone. I think its all a big fucking junior high game to them. They're playing pass the number to see if one of them might possibly be charming enough to get some ass. I'm too old for this crap, and have more important shit to do than entertain gibberish in the form of text messages from dudes I never gave my number to ( I do have to add this disclaimer though - Thuggish is cute. Had he not been feeding my friend skrimps at the BBQ or trying to get with both my girls and had I met him under different circumstances and if he didn't have a criminal record......HA! ok nevermind)

WTF...

So, this has been going on since my trip to Florida. Text messages from RT that is, I rarely respond. When I do, its "Why are you texting me" "Isn't that kind of fucked up that you took my number from your boy" type shit.

Well - Thuggish throws himself in the mix. His texting style is suspiciously similar to RT's, and all of their texts come minutes apart.

Thuggish April 30 @ 6:13pm - Anyways I was jus textin to c how u and the girls were doin. E40 said yall dnt speak as much..I called him stupid n took ya number! Hope u dnt mind..

RT May 1 @ 4:50PM - Im sorry i wantd u 4 myself. And that i stole ya num from E40 phone. I hope u r wel and i jus wantd 2 chil w u and thot E40 was not goin 2 b ya type

RT May 1 @ 5:08PM - Tmobile boo. Lol. Yes its RT. No e. Do u accept my apology. I didnt hear from u n 4eva. Were u mad at me? And i have only 2 numbas.

Thuggish May 1 @ 5:15PM - Yeah im sure..I jus got off, wat u up to

RT May 1 @ 5:19PM - So how r u tho

RT May 1 @ 5:23PM - Naw. that was thuggish textn u. And y u thnk i b frontn. I was feeln u. neva frontd. But if thats how u feel. that hurts my feelns a lil

Thuggish May 1 @ 5:25PM - This is my number, ma..has anybody seen the beyonce movie?

Thuggish May 1 @ 5:30PM - Who u wit?..I gotta tke shower, told u I jus got off n I gotta drop RT off at ja by 630..u gonna have to guide me there cuz I dnt know the area..u already there.

Thuggish May 1 @ 5:30PM - if not we can ride together..want somethin to do tonite!

RT May 1 @ 5:31PM - She neva hitz me bak. Kinda like u. So thats y u said i b frontn. Wel aparantly u feeln my boi so ima fall bak. Have fun at roga browns.

Thuggish May 1 @ 5:36PM - Bout to walk-in now..I b ready to hook up afterwards tho..

RT May 3 @ 4:03PM - U mus be scared 2 talk 2 me. Y is that. Cus im real?

RT May 3 @ 6:55PM - Y on earth do u thnk i play games. I truly likd ur style and knew who realy plays games and a whole lota otha shit. Thats y i even wantd 2 talk 2 u. I th

RT May 3 @ 6:55PM - ot u and i wud bond prety gd. And BK is kool. But i was likn u. Am i wrong 4 that. Im grown. Dont play games. We were al supose 2 b friends. Its not li

RT May 3 @ 6:55PM - ke BK and i were talkn. Sory u feel that way. And y dont u and E40 talk n e more

RT May 3 @ 7:29PM - That was a mouthful

RT May 3 @ 8:34PM - I feel so stupid

Turns out that Friday night, all these fuckers are in the same car, texting this ridiculous shit to BK and I. (BK wasn't with us. Esq and I were at Happy Hour.) It's FUCKING STUPID and they wonder why we don't entertain their bull shit.

When Fantasy Trumps Reality

There is nothing better than a little game of cat and mouse across the bar with a guy, especially when the he has a chick sitting next to him. That's a compliment, right? There are certainly no expectations, not trying to move in on another girls man. It's innocent flirting. The dude had to go and ruin it though. Why did he have to say something and ruin the fantasy after his girl left?

True Story, this really happened at happy hour and Esq told the guy: "Dude don't talk to me, it was better when we were flirting across the bar"

I wanted to roll around on the dirty ass bar floor and laugh myself to tears, it was hilarious.

One Hundred

One hundred posts. w00t.

It appears that this is a tradition in blog-land to commemorate the 100th post. Sure I'll jump in and play along. Coincidentally, my 100th blog post parallels a couple other noteworthy events:

• Obamas first 100 days in office.
  
• Happy Hour starting at 3:30pm. Love in my drinks in T-minus 150 minutes.
• May Day

Exciting