My missed connections

It never fails, when I'm ready you're not and when you're ready, I'm not. It's been the one constant in my life. He wanted me, but I wasn't ready or willing for whatever reason, then I wanted him but he wasn't ready or willing.....and/or vice versa. I think that's happened in every relationship. I must put an end to this circle of missed connections! What's that quote? You know the one about loving and leaving and some other crap.......

"Never leave the one that loves you for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love"

The other version is completely wrong and makes no sense, so if some wannabe poetic woman tries to make that her MySpace headline, tell her she's a dumbass and her college education did her no good (if she truly has one) because she's employed as a bartender. Did I mention that I despise Korea, and any mention of that country will invoke an evil stare followed by a "Get the Fuck out of my face"?

Wow I digress.

So the incorrect version is "Never leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love." This just completely lacks sense, because well, if I was leaving the hypothetic one that I loved for someone else, then hmmmm, I would imagine that I no longer loved him.

I was in love once......I think. If I had REALLY been in love, why would I have made the decisions that I've made thus far. If someone were REALLY in love with me, I would never be hurt and be living my happily ever after. Amazing - life theories are simply full of shit, yet I never give up.

Signed,
Optimistic but bitter

The Naked Man

Supposedly this will work 2 out of 3 times. Hmmmm, I guess I was that 3rd time (LUCKY ME) because it certainly didn't work on me.

Another story that happened a few years back which is now fresh in my memory thanks to an episode of "How I met your mother":

A friend from work and I went out dancing. Night came to an end (and I remember this like it was yesterday)...said friend followed me into my apartment as if some sort of magical night would commence once we got inside and I shut the door.

Not quite.....

We get inside and with my typical I don't give a damn attitude, because I knew nothing was going to happen and I was trying to figure out what the heck he was doing, I say "I don't know what you're doing but I'm about to go change". Nowhere in that statement, nor "betweenthelines" in that statement did it say "I will go get naked and be right back, you do the same right where you are standing" because I fully intended on putting on pajamas and not reappearing in my living room in my birthday suit.

I walk out of my room, and to my surprise.....friend is still standing in the SAME position next to the front door by my end table, and he is......WAIT FOR IT......

BUTT ASS NAKED.

I suppose its rather insulting when a woman laughs hysterically at a man who has just stripped down to his birthday suit and ready to "perform". I commenced to grabbing his clothes, handed them to him and said "Um, you need to go"

Never heard from friend again.

Happy Spanksgiving

I think Mr. Sweet Dance moves has some serious competition as evidenced by last nights festivities. Mr. Sweet Dance Moves Senior was breaking it down. If you ever see me, please ask me to demonstrate. It's quite a seductive dance. Seductive enough to make a grown woman pass out from sheer excitement. Imagine Jack Black in "Shallow Hal". Very similar. I actually prefer the Napoleon Dynamite dance moves - maybe why I'm partial to Mr. Sweet Dance Moves Jr. I found myself having to pretend that my friends friend was my boyfriend for the night so Dance Moves Sr. would cut the sexy stares and Shallow Hal dance moves.

Oh it was a very eventful Holiday!

Needless to say, I had an awesome Thanksgiving. First ever with my brother and family. We ate, drank wine, beer, liquor and played beer pong. Other items on the nights agenda included Yeungling, poker of the naked variety, and a free continental breakfast. Please don't ask me to explain, because it's not as tawdry as it sounds. At least for me it wasn't. I was just in the mix so I could claim my bagel and slather cream cheese on as it flew out of the community toaster.....

and boy was it Fresh!

My Thanksgiving revelation is this: Us old single people looking for our "partner in crime" are absolutely CRAZY. I know I do ridiculous things, its no secret. I'm sure my family thinks I'm out there in LaLa land, well I have news - I might could be. Every old single person is the same. Give us some drinks and music and we will probably try to leg hump everyone in the room. Proud to say though, I maintained my composure......THIS time.

Off Topic - Why aren't words pronounced the way they look?

A few years back I was in Hooters with some co-workers. We were seated at one of the nice glossy wooden tables. Unfortunately it lacked silverware - this will be important in just a moment - wait for it. So, we order, chit chat, and the food comes. Hey, no silverware! One of my counterparts kindly asks the b00bs, I mean Hooters chick for a kuh-ni-fee. I looked at him in PURE amusement and asked in my typical manner:

"What the fukk?"

He then broke down his explanation of all the words we have that are pronounced incorrectly. He was taught to enunciate therefore he would do so and dammit he would carry on that English language tradition if it was the last thing he did.

So our comparison conversation began (at this point I don't recall if the Hooters chick had ANY idea what a kuh-ni-fee was - yes I'm being blatantly stereotypical, I'm sure she was working her way through law school, and I'm just being outrageously jealous of her perfect bosom and white leg warmers).....

Digression.

Knife -> kun-ni-fee -> n-eye-fuh
Phlegm -> puh-leh-gum -> flem
Perignon (as in Dom) -> pear-ig-non -> pay-reen-yohng (yeah its French, but still)

Blast from the Past

Mr. Aphrodisiac.....yes he is the amazing female libido stimulant. Able to enhance orgasms and heighten arousal simply by his presence, women line up to date him. They try to claw each others eyeballs out so they can say they were the last one to lay eyes on him. But wait......

He is SINGLE!

Oh yes, single and on the prowl. The universe's gift to women is indeed single.

I met Mr. Aphrodisiac about 4 years ago. We went to the movies, hung out a couple times. Unbeknownst to me, he was in some sort of pseudo-relationship with a girl who I didn't know at the time but I would soon meet.

It gets better....

We stop talking for whatever reason, I'd like to think I saw through his silly games (yes I'll stick with that story). A few weeks later, at a mutual friends house, I meet BK, Esquire and Puppylove. I don't remember how Mr. Aphrodisiac came into the conversation but we all determined that we had gone out with him (well Esquire didn't - she didn't fall prey to the orgasm enhancing pheromones, plus her BFF at the time Puppylove was MADLY in love with him). Major laughs at the expense of Puppylove, but hey - in our defense she only knew him for like 4 weeks and she was MADLY in love?

It gets even better.....

2 weekends ago started out as any other normal weekend. Girls night out. Guess who is at the bar? None other than Mr. Aphrodisiac in the flesh 4 years later.

Him: I know this sounds really corny, but I think I know you from somewhere?
Me: Um, maybe, you look kind of familiar
Conversation goes on, I determine that I DO in fact know Mr. Aphrodisiac and he's not some desperate loser using a corny pick up line at the bar on me – blah blah blah compliments blah blah blah – trying to get in my pants I suppose. We do end up talking for a bit, catching up. I give him shit about the game he ran on Puppylove. Not that I particularly care about him, I'm just somewhat bitter about the games men play in general (refer to opening blogs regarding relationSHITS).

So we exchange numbers - hey what’s the harm, an old friend, right? I personally don't want Mr. Aphrodisiac present day. Not my cup of tea. Apparently, that wasn’t the general consensus because the next day, I receive a picture message, I open it and to my surprise and its Mr. Aphrodisiac in ALL of his studly, nekkid, erect, gut-wrenching glory.

Was I turned on? - No. Was that supposed to make me want him? - I assume that was the intent? Was it supposed to make me stop dead in my tracks and drive straight over to Mr. Aphrodisiacs house and drop my panties before he had a chance to undo the dead bolt? In a perfect world with the right man - hmmmmmmmm NOT. I don't see that happening. "Mr. Right/Rite/Wright/Write" would never have to send me pictures of his stuff in an attempt to seal the deal. This wasn't necessarily a case of false advertising, simply advertising too much. If I gave a damn - there would be NO need for advertising - which ties into my statement about Mr. Right not having to do anything extra to seal the deal.

The picture message had me thinking though - maybe this is another area where men and women differ? I personally proof all pictures before they leave my possession. Not saying I send out nudie pics because I most certainly do not *send them out to people that I've known for less than 2 years*. A man will just snap and go, it's crazy! I don't think the sending nudie pictures etiquette is common knowledge?..........Fast forward to the NEXT weekend, I happen to run into Mr. Aphrodisiac at the bar AGAIN. Let's say I don't think I'll be hearing from him again any time soon.

Beauty and the Geek

Where I fit into the "Beauty and the Geek" remains to be seen.

Digression...

My new approach, looks and snazzy attire aren't everything. Through every experience I've had the more a man cares about how he looks, the better he smells and the more name brands he has, the worse he treats me. It's like Murphy's backwards ass law of relative dating fluff. WUT?! So I've changed my repertoire. So what if you buy your outfits at Costco, I don't give a damn. So what if you have a collection of Star Wars figurines, just make sure Chewbacca makes noise. So what if you get drunk off of a single Bartles and Jaymes Fuzzy Navel wine cooler, you're a cheap date - AWESOME.

False Advertising and tales of Grandeur

It is so funny to me when I read a profile and its all about how much someone has and how they are the BEST person you will EVER meet in your entire life. Hmmmm, if they are the BEST person in the world, why are they single and on a dating site? Why hasn't anyone snatched them up already? I just think if you have to go on about yourself THAT damn much, you really aren't that freakin great.

My personal philosophy: Don't talk about it, BE about it.

Just be yourself and the truth will be revealed in due time. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad in ALL cases, but when someone is excessive with the self love talk. Spare me.

REVELATION!

I think this is why my dating and relationship history SUCKS. I can't stand men who talk about themselves, brag about what they have, how well they've always treated their women and spoil them......so I settle for the ones that are the complete opposite of that. The caveat is that they DON'T treat me well and spoil me. Hey - I guess that would make sense. Where is the happy medium?

By George I think I've got it!

The fact remains though - If they've treated their women so well and always spoiled them....where did these women go and why the freak am I on the other end of the conversation hearing this garbage?!

OK so my action items:

• Find and date a man that can't shut up about how much money he has/makes and how many "toys" he has.
• Find and date a man that can't shut up about how well he treats his woman, you know, massages, shopping, cooking, bubble baths.
• Find and date a man that talks about both of the above ALL THE TIME and never shuts up.

There was one that had potential. Bobby Big Ears, remember Bobby Big Ears Esquire? He couldn't shut up about how much money he made last year. 200k+ to be exact. Oh and he swore he was going to take me to the Dooney store and tighten up my purse collection. Not once did he ask a DAMN thing about me, my life, where I worked, what I liked to do.......Hmmmmm, where is Bobby Big Ears? Maybe he deserves some time?

My Craigslist obsession continues

I am obsessed, completely obsessed with Craigslist "Missed Connections". I check every day multiple times searching for that someone who didn't have the balls to approach me in person. I read it with nervous anticipation, at the edge of my seat even. It's quite amusing. When one of the posts comes remotely close to something that could relate to me, my palms sweat, and my heart rate increases.

This can't be normal!

So, today I took it upon myself to call out for my own missed connection.

I've gotten some lovely responses. "You're awesome" "That was great" "You've missed your calling".

Yeah I chuckled LOUDLY as I was writing it, and for the record I really DON'T pick my nose while I'm driving.

Dating....Oh Noes...pt 2

Through all of the excitement, disappointment, despair, fun, obsessive compulsiveness of the past weeks, I failed to continue the "Dating....Oh Noes" blog.

As with everything else, this can be good or bad. Maybe bad, but I can find the good and even humor in it so that being said.....It was GREAT for 30 days (refer to the 30 day curse). THEN, it switched...but for a bit I was getting the opening the car door and closing it after he made sure I was in, dropping me off at the front of the establishment and then parking so I wouldn't have to walk in heels. Standing in the rain for movie tickets. So perfect, I've never been treated like that. That's what I was attracted to the most. The thoughtfulness took me by surprise every time. (So if you ever read this Mr. Sweet Dance Moves, yes that is what made you stand out for me)

Then the calls/texts steadily slowed and there was no more "hey what are you doing this weekend"......then came the "I'm not ready to give 100% to a relationship right now". Say what? Let me translate that, because I do fortunately speak many languages "readbetweenthelines" being one of them.

That REALLY meant "I would give 100% if I felt that you were the one I wanted a relationship with". Truth is, everyone will make time for the person they WANT to make time for. Not sure that I necessarily want the label of a relationship at this time, maybe I'm just looking for someone to go through the motions with me and make me feel wanted (figuring that one out). I'm just one to always go with the flow and if it feels right, go with it. What sucks is when I'm the only one going with the flow and feeling right. DOH! It takes two to tango, right?

My problem, as pointed out by my friend, is that I meet one person and become enthralled with them and what they have to offer. I become blinded thinking that they are IT and no other man can offer me what he can. Well I need to slow my roll and take a step back and do some comparison shopping......obviously, or I wouldn't be sitting here writing about any of this.The good part of this story is yet to be determined, but I do hope that I have gained a friend if the jerk face (and I mean that in the nicest way) will open up and actually LET me be a friend. He is HILARIOUS and a good guy and has awesome bow hunting skills.I've been back to the drawing board. Taking chances, living dangerously, you know life on the edge. I'm a risk taker, I eat raw fish.

The force is strong with you young Skywalker

Title matters not ... Look at my writing. Judge me by content, do you?

UGH - why am I such a dork.

Once again, I digress. I digress alot, its a natural chain of digression.

Why is it an inherent law of the universe that the one I like never likes me back and the one I like that happens to like me back ends up being Mr. not so right.

Mr. Right, Mr. Wright, Mr. Rite, Mr. Left.

The guilty pleasure of ALL guilty pleasures CRAIGSLIST personals....

Maybe not the be all end all of ALL guilty pleasures, but currently at the top of my list. It certainly ranks up there for its entertainment value. I mean, how can you not be sucked in based on the thousands of desperate and needy men, women, gays, bisexuals, transsexuals, married people, divorced people, people throwing out their hotel room for a late night tryst and oh just the average joe selling his old computer desk. It's complete insanity all in a nice little bundle called Craigslist.

Last night, I felt very poetic, and inspired. I blogged, I thought out loud, I MySpaced, I thought "hey, I should post an ad on Craigslist" - and so I did.

I've gotten some great responses, well some off the wall, some very clever and witty. I do enjoy that. I clearly ask for a picture first because I really would rather not initiate banter with someone without knowing what they look like and that being said, I'd like to know that they aren't a troll with missing teeth and a cock eye. OK, call me stuck up, I just think that in the on line dating/meeting game, my intent is to find someone that I can pursue a relationship or something (whatever this is) with. So, sorry for not being physically attracted to cock eyes and missing teeth. Sue me. OK really don't sue me, because I have this awesome friend who is pre-law and can argue her ass off and will always be right no matter how you slice it.

I promise I don't have a cock eye or missing teeth. Well, I can cock my eye in certain situations, some of which include my good friend Mr. Ardi....first name Bac.

Do you think you're sexy?

On line dating is quirky. Hell, I'm quirky. I believe we're all quirky. You may not admit it, but I'm sure you do some weird shit when nobody is looking. Yes, I do some weird shit when nobody is looking, I even do some weird shit when **EVERYONE** is looking. I am me, quirks and all, take it or leave it. Funny I say that because I am having absolutely NO problem finding people willing to pass me up, I just need to find some sweet, honest, intelligent, FUNNY man willing to stick around.

Anyhow......

Online dating and its quirks:
Pictures - I touched on this before, some guys/men/boys apparently think it's sexy to put up pictures of them sticking their tongues out or have pictures of them sucking on a lollipop. Alrighty then Lil' Wayne - "no homo". COMEDY! Another one is the infamous chest shot where I can't see your face. Well honestly, I don't give a damn what your chest looks like before I meet you. We won't be out in public nekkid and if you are, then, I don't think we should be meeting in the first place. I don't do Applebee's or Sushi topless. Sushi with no shoes - bare ankles, fine, topless - negatory! This last one is somewhat iffy, I mean it could very well be a relative, but my thought is, Dude - you're on a DATING site, don't put up a picture of you and another woman, unless she's CLEARLY your mother. I mean, that just leaves too many doors open. Do you feel like it makes you more desirable to be pictured with another woman? What if I ask who it is - will you think that I'm a jealous psychopath from the get go. Yeah, too much too soon. Leave the pictures of you and other women on your myspace.

myspace in itself -> the spawn of the devil....killer of all relationships....

30 Day Curse

So I've determined that I'm cursed to never move successfully past 30 days with someone that I like. I'm officially cursed. I don't know who cursed me, when I was cursed or why I was cursed - but it's true!

Ok maybe I'm creating my own destiny by becoming WAY too attached WAY too soon. Ok I know what you're thinking - I know this is a turn off to be clingy and needy, but I'd like to think that I'm one of the special ones that doesn't come across as clingy or needy (we're all special, right? :). I keep my neediness to myself. Maybe I just seep clingy and needy from my pores.

Time for a facial, and full body wrap.....

Ok, so I need a new approach. My friend says that I need to take things slow. Don't become so focused on the FIRST person I like. Thats hard for me to do, I think I'm a relationship-a-holic. I eat, walk, work and sleep relationships. I want someone to be by my side, to share my life with, to call when I have a funny. UGH, is that so wrong? I mean being that my last one was SHATTERED, I'm in rebound mode 100%.

I know someone is out there for me. WHERE ARE YOU?