Smooth Like the Buttocks of A Newborn Baby

Because my game is extra tight, I feel obligated to share this story because as we all know, there are always three versions: Her version, My version and the TROOF.

So it goes like this. Esq and I had lunch at our favorite Happy Hour Sports Bar & Grill - last minute decision. I normally go out for lunch anyway (If I'm lucky it's on someone elses tab...I keed I totally keed, you'll realize when I get to the part about how tight my game is that I am truly kidding), so I decided to throw out the spot as an option to see if Esq was up for it. Cool, and we go.

We walk in and sit down, one of the bartenders that we hadn't seen in a few weeks was working. He was running around sweating like nobody's business, poor thing. There were a handful of people sitting around the bar when we sat down, they all looked like they were finishing up. A couple minutes later Esq and I look up and everyone is gone. Bartender walks by and the exchange goes a lil something like this:

Bartenderoni: Is it just me or is it hot as hell in here?
Me: I don't know why you're so hot, there's nobody here but us two *Esq and I look all around the bar noting that it is empty and we are the only two sitting there*
Bartenderoni: I did this all by myself *as he looks around at all the empty plates and glasses*
Me: You're still working way too hard.

I mean damn, see how tight my game is?

Esq and I finish eating and pay our tabs. In the course of the convo over lunch, Esq asks me if I think Bartenderoni is cute. Yes, I would say so. I think to myself how I am going to SMOOTHLY slip him my number - because I am smooth as shit.

I pay my bill, sign, leave a tip and then right before we walk out, I SLAM my business card on the bar like it was the high joker in a game of spades. Fucking shit my game is tight. So, if I didn't scare him off with the slamming of the card onto the bar, he might call me. I say I have a 2% chance.

True Playerz 4 Realz

A little background on the playerz: RT texts all the time. It's the text version of a person who runs their mouth nonstop because they like the sound of their voice and feel the need to share their voice with everyone in the vicinity. He sends messages to BK and I simultaneously. It's ridiculous. The funniest thing is that I never gave this guy my phone number. I never gave either guy my phone number. Only E40 had my phone number. RT and Thuggish supposedly took it upon themselves to "retrieve" my contact information from E40's phone. I think its all a big fucking junior high game to them. They're playing pass the number to see if one of them might possibly be charming enough to get some ass. I'm too old for this crap, and have more important shit to do than entertain gibberish in the form of text messages from dudes I never gave my number to ( I do have to add this disclaimer though - Thuggish is cute. Had he not been feeding my friend skrimps at the BBQ or trying to get with both my girls and had I met him under different circumstances and if he didn't have a criminal record......HA! ok nevermind)

WTF...

So, this has been going on since my trip to Florida. Text messages from RT that is, I rarely respond. When I do, its "Why are you texting me" "Isn't that kind of fucked up that you took my number from your boy" type shit.

Well - Thuggish throws himself in the mix. His texting style is suspiciously similar to RT's, and all of their texts come minutes apart.

Thuggish April 30 @ 6:13pm - Anyways I was jus textin to c how u and the girls were doin. E40 said yall dnt speak as much..I called him stupid n took ya number! Hope u dnt mind..

RT May 1 @ 4:50PM - Im sorry i wantd u 4 myself. And that i stole ya num from E40 phone. I hope u r wel and i jus wantd 2 chil w u and thot E40 was not goin 2 b ya type

RT May 1 @ 5:08PM - Tmobile boo. Lol. Yes its RT. No e. Do u accept my apology. I didnt hear from u n 4eva. Were u mad at me? And i have only 2 numbas.

Thuggish May 1 @ 5:15PM - Yeah im sure..I jus got off, wat u up to

RT May 1 @ 5:19PM - So how r u tho

RT May 1 @ 5:23PM - Naw. that was thuggish textn u. And y u thnk i b frontn. I was feeln u. neva frontd. But if thats how u feel. that hurts my feelns a lil

Thuggish May 1 @ 5:25PM - This is my number, ma..has anybody seen the beyonce movie?

Thuggish May 1 @ 5:30PM - Who u wit?..I gotta tke shower, told u I jus got off n I gotta drop RT off at ja by 630..u gonna have to guide me there cuz I dnt know the area..u already there.

Thuggish May 1 @ 5:30PM - if not we can ride together..want somethin to do tonite!

RT May 1 @ 5:31PM - She neva hitz me bak. Kinda like u. So thats y u said i b frontn. Wel aparantly u feeln my boi so ima fall bak. Have fun at roga browns.

Thuggish May 1 @ 5:36PM - Bout to walk-in now..I b ready to hook up afterwards tho..

RT May 3 @ 4:03PM - U mus be scared 2 talk 2 me. Y is that. Cus im real?

RT May 3 @ 6:55PM - Y on earth do u thnk i play games. I truly likd ur style and knew who realy plays games and a whole lota otha shit. Thats y i even wantd 2 talk 2 u. I th

RT May 3 @ 6:55PM - ot u and i wud bond prety gd. And BK is kool. But i was likn u. Am i wrong 4 that. Im grown. Dont play games. We were al supose 2 b friends. Its not li

RT May 3 @ 6:55PM - ke BK and i were talkn. Sory u feel that way. And y dont u and E40 talk n e more

RT May 3 @ 7:29PM - That was a mouthful

RT May 3 @ 8:34PM - I feel so stupid

Turns out that Friday night, all these fuckers are in the same car, texting this ridiculous shit to BK and I. (BK wasn't with us. Esq and I were at Happy Hour.) It's FUCKING STUPID and they wonder why we don't entertain their bull shit.

When Fantasy Trumps Reality

There is nothing better than a little game of cat and mouse across the bar with a guy, especially when the he has a chick sitting next to him. That's a compliment, right? There are certainly no expectations, not trying to move in on another girls man. It's innocent flirting. The dude had to go and ruin it though. Why did he have to say something and ruin the fantasy after his girl left?

True Story, this really happened at happy hour and Esq told the guy: "Dude don't talk to me, it was better when we were flirting across the bar"

I wanted to roll around on the dirty ass bar floor and laugh myself to tears, it was hilarious.

Another Date Anotha Dolla

Last night I hung out with Dr. Noah again...

Prior to last night, i.e. yesterday afternoon - we had lunch. I like this guy. At lunch he showed up in his collared shirt, slacks, fresh hair cut and glasses. It was way cute!!!!!!. I kinda wanted to jump his bones in the restaurant, but I showed incredible restraint. yay me.

On a side note, I'm going to start calling him LCG, because that's the nickname that my friends and I have for him - inside thing we have about "Larry the Cable Guy". He looks and acts nothing like Larry the Cable Guy though. Much like E40 looks and acts nothing like E40. He reminds me more of Josh Hopkins A.K.A. Dr. Noah from Private Practice, I'm sure Esq will beg to differ, I shall await her response.
Anyhow....back to last night.....

I made dinner, and LCG brought over some scary movies. We ate dinner, drank a couple cervesas, watched movies and then played a couple rounds of guitar hero. My kinda man. Took me to lunch, laughed with me, drank some beers with me, watched movies with me, ate my food and didn't complain (I keed, I can cook), and played video games with me.

Rum-n-Diet Coke "with love"

Love = Cherries

they look like hearts floating around the bottom of my drink

YUM

Friday after work, Happy Hour at Roger Brown's, our Bartender (he has become our bartender because on our 2nd visit he knew our drinks - so we heart him) decided to start throwing some love in our drinks. I thought he just wanted to see us tie the cherry stems in knots in our mouths *blank stare* but no, it was just a gesture of amore. It's such a shame that sweet things make Esq spit. The Love in her glass resulted in a stream of spit dried along the passenger side of my car. I'm sure she doesn't remember, but it was disgustingly hilarious.

Roger Brown's after work on Fridays - good times.

8 Things

(borrowed from one of the blogs I just found to stalk - it's great, Delightfully Inappropriate - Like me)

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:

1. Enjoying the summer
2. Riding my motorcycle more
3. Never working again, i.e. via retirement or winning copius amounts of money
4. Travelling around the world (dependent on the copius amounts of money)
5. Friday night Happy Hour at Roger Brown's
6. Visiting my brother and fam again.....I miss them and my baby nephew's are turning into men too fast. Yeah ok, they're about to graduate from high school.
7. Getting my spare bedroom painted and furnished.
8. Going to sleep early tonight - I can't get in bed before 1am for the life of me.

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Played Guitar Hero
2. Brushed my teef
3. Watched TV (refer to list of 8 shows that I watch)
4. Worked
5. Surfed craigslist missed connections
6. Shopped
7. Text messaged Dr. Noah
8. Made plans with Dr. Noah

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Win the lottery
2. Fly
3. Sing
4. Make calorie free fried chicken, matter of fact, I wish I could make calorie free food PERIOD. DAMN, I'd be rich. Fuck a Xenadrine pill.
5. Work on my own car - I can't tell you how many times I've been screwed over by auto shops.
6. Repair shit around my house. I suck at being a handy man.
7. Keep plants alive.
8. Run 3 miles in 11 minutes.

8 Shows I Watch:

1. The Office
2. Lost
3. Heroes
4. Samantha Who
5. Nip/Tuck
6. True Blood
7. How I met your Mother
8. Iron Chef

The "Q"

I was supposed to get together with E40 and do something anyway and since he was bragging on his cooking skills, I figured I would round up the girls and have a cook out. I also figured it was a good way to get people over to play guitar hero with me. E40 got a couple of his friends and BK and Esq came over.

The plan was for E40 to come with supplies in hand.....you know meatz, beerz, and such. He showed up with his 2 boys: Thuggish Ruggish and Ralph Tresvant oh and some beerz. Cool - no problem, we all sat around and BS'd for a bit, got in a game of Wii bowling - I kicked ass by the way.

Time to fire up the grill...

E40 and Tresvant head to the store to get the supplies. BK, Esq and Thuggish start playing a drinking game "Never have I ever". You know the one where you make a statement and if you've done it you take a drink......Very Interesting.....It went something like this:

Never have I ever carved initials into someones back
BK takes a drink, Thuggish Ruggish *blank stare* then *blink*. I think he was taken aback by that revelation as it was completely contradictory to her innocent demeanor.
Never have I ever been to jail
BK and Thuggish take drinks

Thuggish, out of beer, goes to grab another. Of course we're wondering what he was locked up for.....

Never have I ever committed armed robbery
BINGO BANGO BONGO.......Thuggish drinks and says "That was cute"

The game continues and at some point, something is said that is so asinine (no pun intended) that I am the only one that Never have I ever. I end laughing so hard that I spew red wine out my nostrils and all over my forehead and shades. It was really cute, no really it was.

One of the major underlying events that we cannot overlook is the blatant violation of the "girl rule", not by the girls, but by the oblivious "how fast can I get in some pants" Tresvant and Thuggish. I don't know about other females, but you can't cross flirt with us - It's rather insulting to flirt with my girl and when she turns you down, move on to me. I mean damn, if I wasn't your first choice, kiss my ass. Now, being that they came with E40 saved them. That and the fact that they were pretty entertaining and from what we could tell, good people, besides being typical men -> "fast", we just brushed it off and carried on with the spades, guitar hero and beerz.

Good times.