Isproph

The following is a true story:

On my way out one night, I made a pit stop at 7-11 to buy a pack of gum and get some money. Well, outside are a couple guys....kinda cute, in a "call me when I'm down and out and drunk off a whole bottle of rum" sorta way, I suppose. Well, I go in, take care of what I need to do, walk out and proceed to get in my car. One of the guys stops me, initiates some small talk, asks for the number, and tells me that he and his boy travel a lot because they are...

wait for it...

"Musicians"

I wonder where their car is as they walk off into the moonlight...*blank stare*

Well, I indiscriminately gave him my number. Yeah yeah, I've gotten the "be more discriminate lecture" already...

I get to my girls house, we go out and have a great time. I completely forget that I've given Milli- Vanilla, The traveling twosome my phone number, and so goes the text message conversation:

Incoming text: wuts up ma

me: not much, who's this?
Incoming text: Isproph

Now mind you, being that I speak and text, for the most part, in proper engrish, I assume that this person is trying to say "It's Proph"

me: who?
Incoming text: Isproph
me: what's your name?
Incoming text: Isproph
me: what?
Incoming text: my bad ma, I think I got the wrong #
me: where do I know you from?
Incoming text: This is David from 7-11 but call me Isproph
me: oh

and another *blank stare*

What is an Isproph?

Prepared to make an Impression

Another true story (short but true):

We rolled into a club, and got hooked up VIP style. This guy that had been at an earlier spot was there, and yea I was eyeballing him because well, he was pretty damn cute through my Bacardi goggles. So, I boldly stroll up to the bar and straddle his leg. I don’t know maybe he got the wrong idea at that point....

OK wait for it....

So I take him back to the V.I.P....We're all dancing, we get tired and sit down. He pulls out his cell phone and starts scrolling through pictures. He shows me a picture of his pen-fifteen. WUT?!!!!

So, he has a picture of his johnson on his phone, I HAVE encountered this sort of behavior before...but um, yeah we JUST met like an hour ago. Well, moving along, he happens to have video too.

Next up on the cell phone for my viewing pleasure....

..::THE AMAZING ROTATING STIFFY::..

I had to take it and pass it around to my friends, and surprisingly he sat back and basked in his glory as my friends watched the rotating stiffy. He had NO issue with it at all.

Now I pose these questions:

• Why would a man have a video of his penis on his phone?
• Who took this video for him?
  
• Why would this man show me this video not even 2 hours into knowing him? (maybe it was the leg straddling at the bar, sue me)
  

Just amazing.

Movie time with leisure suit Larry

True Story - although not the REAL Leisure suit Larry ( I mean he is a virtual character), Larry (not his real name) did have greasy hair and that used car salesman swagger. Oh wait - he WAS a used car salesman!

Every time this happens I swear to the dating God's over a pint of Ben and Jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a couple glasses of diet coke that I will NEVER ever go out on a date with another man that I meet on line evArrrrrrrrrrrrr. Well, that normally lasts until my last bite of ice cream and swig of soda. The cycle never ends. As if Leisure suit Larry's greasy head, used car salesman swagger and Skeletor-ish good looks weren't enough, his idea of a first date was a movie.

Outstanding!

I think its common knowledge that a first meeting/date/whatever should never be a movie. Why on earth would you go to the movies? Let's break this down:

1. You can't talk. Well you really shouldn't talk - you know "don't create your own soundtrack - the movie already has one"?. So, if we do go to the movies and you try to hold a conversation with me about anything ESPECIALLY the movie, I guarantee popcorn will be crammed down your external auditory canal so you cant hear shit. On the bright side you may have a snack later when you pick the kernels out.
2. You can't gaze into each others eyes because you're sitting side by side. At best you go to one of the snazzy stadium seating theaters where the arm rest lifts and if you're not too nervous you can cop a feel with the "accidental" arm or leg rub.
3. You can't play footsies, for the reason stated above - you're sitting side by side. I might be able to kick the hell out of you as I gracefully cross my legs, but that's about it.

With all that said - THANK THE LORD we went to the movies!!!! I don't think I could have gazed into "Larry's" eyes, the greasy hair would have been distracting.