Some 2008 Lessons Learned

I've learned some good stuff this year.

I've learned that....

• You never ever get your hair cut in the mall unless you really don’t give a damn and don’t mind waking up the next morning with poufy mullet bangs. Good hairdresser = Good hair.
• You never eat at a Mexican restaurant unless there are Mexicans working there. Same for Chinese food, Mexicans cooking Chinese food is a huge faux pas.
• I can post the most outrageously made up missed connection on Craig’s list and some person who appears on every dating site known to man will respond thinking I am referring to him. Sarcastic undertones in a blatant made up missed connection post + ignorance = desperation. I, personally, only respond to ones that have outright references to me.
• I suck at Taboo.
• You can lead a man to a good woman but you can’t make him be faithful or trustworthy. I guess that means he wasn’t a good man to begin with.
• Magnifying makeup mirrors are the devil.
• It's ok to be single. You don't have to wash doo doo stains out of anyones underwear.
• I won't ever be anyone's #2

Christmas Spirit

Movie time with leisure suit Larry

True Story - although not the REAL Leisure suit Larry ( I mean he is a virtual character), Larry (not his real name) did have greasy hair and that used car salesman swagger. Oh wait - he WAS a used car salesman!

Every time this happens I swear to the dating God's over a pint of Ben and Jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a couple glasses of diet coke that I will NEVER ever go out on a date with another man that I meet on line evArrrrrrrrrrrrr. Well, that normally lasts until my last bite of ice cream and swig of soda. The cycle never ends. As if Leisure suit Larry's greasy head, used car salesman swagger and Skeletor-ish good looks weren't enough, his idea of a first date was a movie.

Outstanding!

I think its common knowledge that a first meeting/date/whatever should never be a movie. Why on earth would you go to the movies? Let's break this down:

1. You can't talk. Well you really shouldn't talk - you know "don't create your own soundtrack - the movie already has one"?. So, if we do go to the movies and you try to hold a conversation with me about anything ESPECIALLY the movie, I guarantee popcorn will be crammed down your external auditory canal so you cant hear shit. On the bright side you may have a snack later when you pick the kernels out.
2. You can't gaze into each others eyes because you're sitting side by side. At best you go to one of the snazzy stadium seating theaters where the arm rest lifts and if you're not too nervous you can cop a feel with the "accidental" arm or leg rub.
3. You can't play footsies, for the reason stated above - you're sitting side by side. I might be able to kick the hell out of you as I gracefully cross my legs, but that's about it.

With all that said - THANK THE LORD we went to the movies!!!! I don't think I could have gazed into "Larry's" eyes, the greasy hair would have been distracting.

A Random Musing about OPP (other peoples personals)

I've come to the conclusion that people are idiots (surprise surprise). Now, I myself, am not perfect, FAR from it. I have never claimed perfection and matter of fact, I experience sporadic waves of imperfection as well as brief moments of pure stupidity.

I find pure comic relief in perusing OPP (other peoples personals) and laugh myself silly wondering WHO in thee HELL is going to respond to the damn things!?

So this guy apparently is looking for a "real woman", I mean he IS a "real man" that smells good. He has pictures, including a picture of his closet full of his "kicks" and "gear". Do you think maybe he's trying to impress us with his organizational skills? That closet looks very organized. Hmmmmm, he's going to attract a winner with that one. A real gold digging winner, or...better yet, a man who wants to share his gear. How about the fact that he points out he is a "black man". He must want a smart woman too because we obviously can't tell his skin color simply by looking at his pictures. Yes, and he's creative - I fail to see the creativity in his ad, however the organization of his closet shows a bit of style. Oh and wait! He is FREAKY too! Oh baby, let me message him NOW.

The original Road Dawg

Is it REALLY true that once you move past a relationship - i.e. it fails, that it will never work again? Why revisit? It FAILED! I do tend to agree, but the optimist and hopeless romantic in me tends to disagree, contrary to every logical bone in my body.

The other night, I went out for a few drinks...I walk into the establishment and being my normal random self, I point towards the bar as I cruise right by the hostess. In my head, my pointing and non-stop walking was supposed to let her know that "Hey woman, no need to say anything, I'm about to go sit my ass down at the bar and order a drink, no need to ask me how many in my party - smoking or non?” I do that a lot; I have these elaborate thoughts in my head and fail to speak them. I should probably work on that:

*Note to self - have voice in head speak up more often - Step #1 for more effective communication.

As I’m pointing, I notice that I'm pointing right at this guy sitting on the other side of the bar by himself. In addition to my pointing motion, being my normal random self, I also have this big cheesy smile on my face. This guy obviously thinks I'm smiling and pointing at him. It took a lot to contain my laughter. He was pretty cute. And I’m sure he thought I was a goof.....

Digress.

Anyway, point is, I ran into an old friend, we were tight back in the day, like years of tightness. He has changed in a very good way, I’m impressed. Unfortunate that he's married now. Not for him of course, definitely for me. Very funny how things happen, how life happens. People don’t wait, life doesn’t wait. Live.

Awesomeness

As it turns out, perfect strangers appreciate my sense of (or lack of) humor, as evidenced by my nomination and subsequent inclusion to the "Best-of-Craigslist" postings. If you get a chance peruse this section. It's great!!

Men who have "kitty kats" (figuratively speaking)

I'm a woman of the millennium, I'd like to think I'm independent. I take care of myself and don't expect or need a man to take care of me monetarily (its certainly nice if they have the ability to, but that's neither here nor there). I consider myself a mixture of modern woman and old fashioned.

I've found that I don't like men that complain. It's MY job to bitch and complain, that's a woman role. Being that I am a bit old fashioned means, in my book, that a man should be manly. You can show emotion, I appreciate that, but if your life ALWAYS sucks and all you can do is be down and out and complain - leave me out of it. Your job is to make ME happy, and listen to ME bitch and moan as I see fit (and I don’t do that often). And oh yes......

CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD!! (at least I hope not)

So I've determined the following....

Man Roles:

• Take out the trash so I have room to throw away your crap.
• Change the light bulbs when they burn out so I can see what the hell I'm cooking you for dinner.
• Make sure my car runs (oil, tune ups, etc) so I can buy groceries and cook for your ass.
• Open car doors for me so I feel special and like I'm #1 and don't think about all the other chicks you have on your myspace top friends.
• Listen to me bitch, moan and complain (on the occasion that I do) and LIKE it. Humor me without making me feel like you're humoring me, I can tell if you are. If you cheer me up, rewards for you will follow. (I don't think men realize this)

Woman roles (i.e. things I do):

• Cook dinner for you so you don't have to go to that chicks house you met last week.
• Wash your clothes so I don't have to see your doo doo stains in your boxers.
• Keep your drinks filled or a beer in hand so you don't have to get up off your lazy butt.
• Keep the house clean so you don't feel like you're living with your ex, you left her for a reason right?

Is that too much to ask? I do know this - there shouldn’t collectively be any decision making without any consultation – that’s the millennium woman speaking. That is a deal breaker, especially if money is involved.....and don't be mad if I make more than you - I'll still cook and clean and wash the doo doo out of your boxers.

I got my T-Shirts, YES!

Courtesy of T-shirt hell

I ain't got no crabs (bad place for a first date)

Joe's Crab Shack, Great place to eat, Horrible choice for a first date - unless of course you just want some bomb ass coconut shrimp and don't give a damn about the conversation. So, This is how it goes:

Conversation -> conversation -> order -> sip on drinks (to loosen up) -> LOUD ASS Rose Royce "At the car wash" and all the emotionless, zombie-like servers on the floor between the tables dancing like synchronized swimmers and/or fish out of water (I mean it IS a seafood restaurant) -> OK they're done -> resume conversation -> eat -> drink

DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!

LOUD ASS Cupid "Cupid Shuffle" -> commence with all the emotionless, zombie-like servers on the floor between the tables, dancing once again like synchronized swimmers and/or again like fish out of water (yes as I mentioned before it IS a seafood restaurant) doing the cupid shuffle -> OK they're done again.

In their defense - there was ONE server who looked like she enjoyed dancing in between the tables and actually looked excited and showed some sort of emotion. She had rhythm. Remember the Steve Martin movie when he finds his rhythm? OK never mind.

Bottom line....don't go on a first date to Joe's Crab Shack unless...
#1 - You are in an established relationship and you don't give a damn whether you talk.
#2 - You don't give a damn about your date and you're only in it for some grub and cocktails!

Ice Cubes

I woke up the other morning knowing I would soon be thirsty as hell. I decided to fill up a container with ice and go back to sleep. Why you ask? It's simple science...

"Do you want some ice right now?"
"No, but I want some water later, so yeah"

It's genius! Just like relationships - "Hey, do you want to get married?"...."No, but I want to get divorced later, so yeah".

Merry Christmas...BAH Humbug

It's already December. I bought light up candy canes for my expansive yard. I swore I wasn't going to decorate this year. I might be forced to pull the crap out of the "attic". We'll see. All I know is I need my new t-shirt to jumpstart that Christmas spirit...
BAH Humbug. Santa is getting carrot sticks and tomato juice. That'll show him. NO SUGAR COOKIES AND FRESCAVENA for you THIS year white beard man.

My missed connections

It never fails, when I'm ready you're not and when you're ready, I'm not. It's been the one constant in my life. He wanted me, but I wasn't ready or willing for whatever reason, then I wanted him but he wasn't ready or willing.....and/or vice versa. I think that's happened in every relationship. I must put an end to this circle of missed connections! What's that quote? You know the one about loving and leaving and some other crap.......

"Never leave the one that loves you for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love"

The other version is completely wrong and makes no sense, so if some wannabe poetic woman tries to make that her MySpace headline, tell her she's a dumbass and her college education did her no good (if she truly has one) because she's employed as a bartender. Did I mention that I despise Korea, and any mention of that country will invoke an evil stare followed by a "Get the Fuck out of my face"?

Wow I digress.

So the incorrect version is "Never leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love." This just completely lacks sense, because well, if I was leaving the hypothetic one that I loved for someone else, then hmmmm, I would imagine that I no longer loved him.

I was in love once......I think. If I had REALLY been in love, why would I have made the decisions that I've made thus far. If someone were REALLY in love with me, I would never be hurt and be living my happily ever after. Amazing - life theories are simply full of shit, yet I never give up.

Signed,
Optimistic but bitter

The Naked Man

Supposedly this will work 2 out of 3 times. Hmmmm, I guess I was that 3rd time (LUCKY ME) because it certainly didn't work on me.

Another story that happened a few years back which is now fresh in my memory thanks to an episode of "How I met your mother":

A friend from work and I went out dancing. Night came to an end (and I remember this like it was yesterday)...said friend followed me into my apartment as if some sort of magical night would commence once we got inside and I shut the door.

Not quite.....

We get inside and with my typical I don't give a damn attitude, because I knew nothing was going to happen and I was trying to figure out what the heck he was doing, I say "I don't know what you're doing but I'm about to go change". Nowhere in that statement, nor "betweenthelines" in that statement did it say "I will go get naked and be right back, you do the same right where you are standing" because I fully intended on putting on pajamas and not reappearing in my living room in my birthday suit.

I walk out of my room, and to my surprise.....friend is still standing in the SAME position next to the front door by my end table, and he is......WAIT FOR IT......

BUTT ASS NAKED.

I suppose its rather insulting when a woman laughs hysterically at a man who has just stripped down to his birthday suit and ready to "perform". I commenced to grabbing his clothes, handed them to him and said "Um, you need to go"

Never heard from friend again.

Happy Spanksgiving

I think Mr. Sweet Dance moves has some serious competition as evidenced by last nights festivities. Mr. Sweet Dance Moves Senior was breaking it down. If you ever see me, please ask me to demonstrate. It's quite a seductive dance. Seductive enough to make a grown woman pass out from sheer excitement. Imagine Jack Black in "Shallow Hal". Very similar. I actually prefer the Napoleon Dynamite dance moves - maybe why I'm partial to Mr. Sweet Dance Moves Jr. I found myself having to pretend that my friends friend was my boyfriend for the night so Dance Moves Sr. would cut the sexy stares and Shallow Hal dance moves.

Oh it was a very eventful Holiday!

Needless to say, I had an awesome Thanksgiving. First ever with my brother and family. We ate, drank wine, beer, liquor and played beer pong. Other items on the nights agenda included Yeungling, poker of the naked variety, and a free continental breakfast. Please don't ask me to explain, because it's not as tawdry as it sounds. At least for me it wasn't. I was just in the mix so I could claim my bagel and slather cream cheese on as it flew out of the community toaster.....

and boy was it Fresh!

My Thanksgiving revelation is this: Us old single people looking for our "partner in crime" are absolutely CRAZY. I know I do ridiculous things, its no secret. I'm sure my family thinks I'm out there in LaLa land, well I have news - I might could be. Every old single person is the same. Give us some drinks and music and we will probably try to leg hump everyone in the room. Proud to say though, I maintained my composure......THIS time.

Off Topic - Why aren't words pronounced the way they look?

A few years back I was in Hooters with some co-workers. We were seated at one of the nice glossy wooden tables. Unfortunately it lacked silverware - this will be important in just a moment - wait for it. So, we order, chit chat, and the food comes. Hey, no silverware! One of my counterparts kindly asks the b00bs, I mean Hooters chick for a kuh-ni-fee. I looked at him in PURE amusement and asked in my typical manner:

"What the fukk?"

He then broke down his explanation of all the words we have that are pronounced incorrectly. He was taught to enunciate therefore he would do so and dammit he would carry on that English language tradition if it was the last thing he did.

So our comparison conversation began (at this point I don't recall if the Hooters chick had ANY idea what a kuh-ni-fee was - yes I'm being blatantly stereotypical, I'm sure she was working her way through law school, and I'm just being outrageously jealous of her perfect bosom and white leg warmers).....

Digression.

Knife -> kun-ni-fee -> n-eye-fuh
Phlegm -> puh-leh-gum -> flem
Perignon (as in Dom) -> pear-ig-non -> pay-reen-yohng (yeah its French, but still)

Blast from the Past

Mr. Aphrodisiac.....yes he is the amazing female libido stimulant. Able to enhance orgasms and heighten arousal simply by his presence, women line up to date him. They try to claw each others eyeballs out so they can say they were the last one to lay eyes on him. But wait......

He is SINGLE!

Oh yes, single and on the prowl. The universe's gift to women is indeed single.

I met Mr. Aphrodisiac about 4 years ago. We went to the movies, hung out a couple times. Unbeknownst to me, he was in some sort of pseudo-relationship with a girl who I didn't know at the time but I would soon meet.

It gets better....

We stop talking for whatever reason, I'd like to think I saw through his silly games (yes I'll stick with that story). A few weeks later, at a mutual friends house, I meet BK, Esquire and Puppylove. I don't remember how Mr. Aphrodisiac came into the conversation but we all determined that we had gone out with him (well Esquire didn't - she didn't fall prey to the orgasm enhancing pheromones, plus her BFF at the time Puppylove was MADLY in love with him). Major laughs at the expense of Puppylove, but hey - in our defense she only knew him for like 4 weeks and she was MADLY in love?

It gets even better.....

2 weekends ago started out as any other normal weekend. Girls night out. Guess who is at the bar? None other than Mr. Aphrodisiac in the flesh 4 years later.

Him: I know this sounds really corny, but I think I know you from somewhere?
Me: Um, maybe, you look kind of familiar
Conversation goes on, I determine that I DO in fact know Mr. Aphrodisiac and he's not some desperate loser using a corny pick up line at the bar on me – blah blah blah compliments blah blah blah – trying to get in my pants I suppose. We do end up talking for a bit, catching up. I give him shit about the game he ran on Puppylove. Not that I particularly care about him, I'm just somewhat bitter about the games men play in general (refer to opening blogs regarding relationSHITS).

So we exchange numbers - hey what’s the harm, an old friend, right? I personally don't want Mr. Aphrodisiac present day. Not my cup of tea. Apparently, that wasn’t the general consensus because the next day, I receive a picture message, I open it and to my surprise and its Mr. Aphrodisiac in ALL of his studly, nekkid, erect, gut-wrenching glory.

Was I turned on? - No. Was that supposed to make me want him? - I assume that was the intent? Was it supposed to make me stop dead in my tracks and drive straight over to Mr. Aphrodisiacs house and drop my panties before he had a chance to undo the dead bolt? In a perfect world with the right man - hmmmmmmmm NOT. I don't see that happening. "Mr. Right/Rite/Wright/Write" would never have to send me pictures of his stuff in an attempt to seal the deal. This wasn't necessarily a case of false advertising, simply advertising too much. If I gave a damn - there would be NO need for advertising - which ties into my statement about Mr. Right not having to do anything extra to seal the deal.

The picture message had me thinking though - maybe this is another area where men and women differ? I personally proof all pictures before they leave my possession. Not saying I send out nudie pics because I most certainly do not *send them out to people that I've known for less than 2 years*. A man will just snap and go, it's crazy! I don't think the sending nudie pictures etiquette is common knowledge?..........Fast forward to the NEXT weekend, I happen to run into Mr. Aphrodisiac at the bar AGAIN. Let's say I don't think I'll be hearing from him again any time soon.

Beauty and the Geek

Where I fit into the "Beauty and the Geek" remains to be seen.

Digression...

My new approach, looks and snazzy attire aren't everything. Through every experience I've had the more a man cares about how he looks, the better he smells and the more name brands he has, the worse he treats me. It's like Murphy's backwards ass law of relative dating fluff. WUT?! So I've changed my repertoire. So what if you buy your outfits at Costco, I don't give a damn. So what if you have a collection of Star Wars figurines, just make sure Chewbacca makes noise. So what if you get drunk off of a single Bartles and Jaymes Fuzzy Navel wine cooler, you're a cheap date - AWESOME.

False Advertising and tales of Grandeur

It is so funny to me when I read a profile and its all about how much someone has and how they are the BEST person you will EVER meet in your entire life. Hmmmm, if they are the BEST person in the world, why are they single and on a dating site? Why hasn't anyone snatched them up already? I just think if you have to go on about yourself THAT damn much, you really aren't that freakin great.

My personal philosophy: Don't talk about it, BE about it.

Just be yourself and the truth will be revealed in due time. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad in ALL cases, but when someone is excessive with the self love talk. Spare me.

REVELATION!

I think this is why my dating and relationship history SUCKS. I can't stand men who talk about themselves, brag about what they have, how well they've always treated their women and spoil them......so I settle for the ones that are the complete opposite of that. The caveat is that they DON'T treat me well and spoil me. Hey - I guess that would make sense. Where is the happy medium?

By George I think I've got it!

The fact remains though - If they've treated their women so well and always spoiled them....where did these women go and why the freak am I on the other end of the conversation hearing this garbage?!

OK so my action items:

• Find and date a man that can't shut up about how much money he has/makes and how many "toys" he has.
• Find and date a man that can't shut up about how well he treats his woman, you know, massages, shopping, cooking, bubble baths.
• Find and date a man that talks about both of the above ALL THE TIME and never shuts up.

There was one that had potential. Bobby Big Ears, remember Bobby Big Ears Esquire? He couldn't shut up about how much money he made last year. 200k+ to be exact. Oh and he swore he was going to take me to the Dooney store and tighten up my purse collection. Not once did he ask a DAMN thing about me, my life, where I worked, what I liked to do.......Hmmmmm, where is Bobby Big Ears? Maybe he deserves some time?

My Craigslist obsession continues

I am obsessed, completely obsessed with Craigslist "Missed Connections". I check every day multiple times searching for that someone who didn't have the balls to approach me in person. I read it with nervous anticipation, at the edge of my seat even. It's quite amusing. When one of the posts comes remotely close to something that could relate to me, my palms sweat, and my heart rate increases.

This can't be normal!

So, today I took it upon myself to call out for my own missed connection.

I've gotten some lovely responses. "You're awesome" "That was great" "You've missed your calling".

Yeah I chuckled LOUDLY as I was writing it, and for the record I really DON'T pick my nose while I'm driving.

Dating....Oh Noes...pt 2

Through all of the excitement, disappointment, despair, fun, obsessive compulsiveness of the past weeks, I failed to continue the "Dating....Oh Noes" blog.

As with everything else, this can be good or bad. Maybe bad, but I can find the good and even humor in it so that being said.....It was GREAT for 30 days (refer to the 30 day curse). THEN, it switched...but for a bit I was getting the opening the car door and closing it after he made sure I was in, dropping me off at the front of the establishment and then parking so I wouldn't have to walk in heels. Standing in the rain for movie tickets. So perfect, I've never been treated like that. That's what I was attracted to the most. The thoughtfulness took me by surprise every time. (So if you ever read this Mr. Sweet Dance Moves, yes that is what made you stand out for me)

Then the calls/texts steadily slowed and there was no more "hey what are you doing this weekend"......then came the "I'm not ready to give 100% to a relationship right now". Say what? Let me translate that, because I do fortunately speak many languages "readbetweenthelines" being one of them.

That REALLY meant "I would give 100% if I felt that you were the one I wanted a relationship with". Truth is, everyone will make time for the person they WANT to make time for. Not sure that I necessarily want the label of a relationship at this time, maybe I'm just looking for someone to go through the motions with me and make me feel wanted (figuring that one out). I'm just one to always go with the flow and if it feels right, go with it. What sucks is when I'm the only one going with the flow and feeling right. DOH! It takes two to tango, right?

My problem, as pointed out by my friend, is that I meet one person and become enthralled with them and what they have to offer. I become blinded thinking that they are IT and no other man can offer me what he can. Well I need to slow my roll and take a step back and do some comparison shopping......obviously, or I wouldn't be sitting here writing about any of this.The good part of this story is yet to be determined, but I do hope that I have gained a friend if the jerk face (and I mean that in the nicest way) will open up and actually LET me be a friend. He is HILARIOUS and a good guy and has awesome bow hunting skills.I've been back to the drawing board. Taking chances, living dangerously, you know life on the edge. I'm a risk taker, I eat raw fish.

The force is strong with you young Skywalker

Title matters not ... Look at my writing. Judge me by content, do you?

UGH - why am I such a dork.

Once again, I digress. I digress alot, its a natural chain of digression.

Why is it an inherent law of the universe that the one I like never likes me back and the one I like that happens to like me back ends up being Mr. not so right.

Mr. Right, Mr. Wright, Mr. Rite, Mr. Left.

The guilty pleasure of ALL guilty pleasures CRAIGSLIST personals....

Maybe not the be all end all of ALL guilty pleasures, but currently at the top of my list. It certainly ranks up there for its entertainment value. I mean, how can you not be sucked in based on the thousands of desperate and needy men, women, gays, bisexuals, transsexuals, married people, divorced people, people throwing out their hotel room for a late night tryst and oh just the average joe selling his old computer desk. It's complete insanity all in a nice little bundle called Craigslist.

Last night, I felt very poetic, and inspired. I blogged, I thought out loud, I MySpaced, I thought "hey, I should post an ad on Craigslist" - and so I did.

I've gotten some great responses, well some off the wall, some very clever and witty. I do enjoy that. I clearly ask for a picture first because I really would rather not initiate banter with someone without knowing what they look like and that being said, I'd like to know that they aren't a troll with missing teeth and a cock eye. OK, call me stuck up, I just think that in the on line dating/meeting game, my intent is to find someone that I can pursue a relationship or something (whatever this is) with. So, sorry for not being physically attracted to cock eyes and missing teeth. Sue me. OK really don't sue me, because I have this awesome friend who is pre-law and can argue her ass off and will always be right no matter how you slice it.

I promise I don't have a cock eye or missing teeth. Well, I can cock my eye in certain situations, some of which include my good friend Mr. Ardi....first name Bac.

Do you think you're sexy?

On line dating is quirky. Hell, I'm quirky. I believe we're all quirky. You may not admit it, but I'm sure you do some weird shit when nobody is looking. Yes, I do some weird shit when nobody is looking, I even do some weird shit when **EVERYONE** is looking. I am me, quirks and all, take it or leave it. Funny I say that because I am having absolutely NO problem finding people willing to pass me up, I just need to find some sweet, honest, intelligent, FUNNY man willing to stick around.

Anyhow......

Online dating and its quirks:
Pictures - I touched on this before, some guys/men/boys apparently think it's sexy to put up pictures of them sticking their tongues out or have pictures of them sucking on a lollipop. Alrighty then Lil' Wayne - "no homo". COMEDY! Another one is the infamous chest shot where I can't see your face. Well honestly, I don't give a damn what your chest looks like before I meet you. We won't be out in public nekkid and if you are, then, I don't think we should be meeting in the first place. I don't do Applebee's or Sushi topless. Sushi with no shoes - bare ankles, fine, topless - negatory! This last one is somewhat iffy, I mean it could very well be a relative, but my thought is, Dude - you're on a DATING site, don't put up a picture of you and another woman, unless she's CLEARLY your mother. I mean, that just leaves too many doors open. Do you feel like it makes you more desirable to be pictured with another woman? What if I ask who it is - will you think that I'm a jealous psychopath from the get go. Yeah, too much too soon. Leave the pictures of you and other women on your myspace.

myspace in itself -> the spawn of the devil....killer of all relationships....

30 Day Curse

So I've determined that I'm cursed to never move successfully past 30 days with someone that I like. I'm officially cursed. I don't know who cursed me, when I was cursed or why I was cursed - but it's true!

Ok maybe I'm creating my own destiny by becoming WAY too attached WAY too soon. Ok I know what you're thinking - I know this is a turn off to be clingy and needy, but I'd like to think that I'm one of the special ones that doesn't come across as clingy or needy (we're all special, right? :). I keep my neediness to myself. Maybe I just seep clingy and needy from my pores.

Time for a facial, and full body wrap.....

Ok, so I need a new approach. My friend says that I need to take things slow. Don't become so focused on the FIRST person I like. Thats hard for me to do, I think I'm a relationship-a-holic. I eat, walk, work and sleep relationships. I want someone to be by my side, to share my life with, to call when I have a funny. UGH, is that so wrong? I mean being that my last one was SHATTERED, I'm in rebound mode 100%.

I know someone is out there for me. WHERE ARE YOU?

Dating......Oh Noes.

Wellllllllll - here it is......

I have decided to thrust myself full force into the realm of dating. I anticipate a great adventure, or maybe not so great adventures that are entertainingly ridiculously knee-slappingly mind-boggleingly hilarious. We shall see.

First things first, because of my life - I don't have the advantage of attending a large number of social events. When I am in a social situation, its usually a bar or club and well, we all know that is NOT the prime spot to meet a quality man. So, what is the answer you ask? The internet :)......

It's tough weeding through the potentials. I've found that. just like in a real life situation, the virtual dating scene has it's "types" too. I also find that I can feel connected to someone from their picture alone. All bullshit aside, attraction IS the first step, and if I don't think you're cute in your picture then there is NO hope for anything further.

The types:
1. The one that puts up pictures on dating site hugged up with other women.
2. The one that blows kisses at the camera and/or is sucking on a lollipop.
3. The one that has 5 pictures of himself with his shirt off flexing for the camera.
4. The one that puts up an OLD picture and knows its old and comments that its the "most recent one he has".
5. The one that has a pre written script for every woman within a 150 mile radius of him. (Hey one of the women has to respond, right?)

So after a few weeks of muddling through the perpetual on line dating mess. I see one that sparks my interest. Yes, his pictures do have potential. We exchange flirtatious messages, joking, conversating, scratching the surface of getting to know one another. Yes, I think I'd like to meet this one.Now, I am a paranoid person by nature so even though I've thrown myself into the realm of online dating, actually getting myself out there to physically MEET someone is an entirely different beast. I sense some potential and need to do this for myself especially after the horrible few months I've just had and crap that I've recently been subject to.

So we go out......more to come....

You can love me until you're blue in the face.....

It's just not enough.

I thought I could justify the betrayal and disrespect based upon love alone, but no matter how I try to paint the picture, all the colors blend together and make this big blob of black crap.

You can't love me with all your heart and spend your nights in another woman's bed, kissing her and stroking her hair.
You can't love me and spend your days cuddling on the couch watching movies with another woman like you and I used to do.
You don't love me when you let the words "I love you" come out of your mouth and they aren't directed at me.

Bottom line, you can't claim to love me and want to spend the rest of your life with me and expect me to believe your empty words when all you do and have done is been inconsiderate and disrespectful.

I have never been so hurt and betrayed.

I would be a self respect lacking fool to ever accept you back into my life after what you've done.

Dedicated to change.....

Can the fear of completely losing something you TRULY love make somebody just turn their life around with the blink of an eye? Sure the question can be asked if you TRULY loved this "thing" in the first place, why was it taken for granted. I suppose we all do things for one reason or another. The human psyche is a complex beast. I take for granted breathing. If someone came up to me and tried to suffocate me, you can damn sure believe that I would fight for my life and be thankful for the ability to breathe after that.

Yes I LOVE to breathe, because yes I love living, I don't want to die. I have too much left to do.

If I'm someones breath and I was taken for granted for SO long, and I was suddenly removed, not by my choice, but because of something they did......They took the simple ability to breathe and the fact that air would always be available for granted and did something horrible. However, they woke up and decided to fight tooth and nail for their life - should they be allowed to breathe again?

Too little too late?

A dozen roses, a teddy bear, an apology poem? Is it all in vain? It certainly seems that way. I'm sure the remorse and regret are there NOW, just as the huge ego and conceit were there all along. The certainty that I would never go anywhere when I was being played like a fool and taken for granted. It was so set in stone that I was the rock that would never move no matter what storm came through.

This is all so much deeper though.

Please believe I'm not a bible thumper or a fanatically religious person at all. I just tend to read passages when I need guidance or go through a hard time, because hey, like most people I do believe in a higher power - and believing in something gets us all through rough times. Last one I read was about forgiveness. We should forgive people not seven, but up to seventy-seven times. I can definitley forgive - in time, but does forgiving mean that I can go on and be with that person again? Can someone truly change?

Nope, it's not enough

Love is simply not enough.
You can love me until your face turns purple.
You can ask me if I know that you love me every day.
You can tell me you love me morning noon and night 7 days a week.
Love is simply not enough.

Lasting love takes compatibility, commitment, chemistry, and communication.
Real love is sane and pure and grounded, it's stable, it's secure.

There is NO reason in the world for me to put up with a man who has another woman telling him that she loves him and he is telling her the same REGARDLESS of the reason.

NO EXCUSE.

The ULTIMATE Betrayal....

Betrayal, a form of deception or dismissal of prior presumptions, is the breaking or violation of a presumptive social contract (trust, or confidence) that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations or between individuals and organizations.

A relationship is essentially a social contract. You tell someone you love them and that you want to spend the rest of your life with them and with that the possibility of an eventual marriage is there.

A long distance relationship is a social contract - with a few caveats. No where in the long distance relationship contract does it say that one party or the other can take on another boyfriend/girlfriend and whisper sweet nothings in their ear and smother them with kisses and affection. That belongs to ME! Call me crazy but I can forgive a slip up here and there given a long distance situation - because Lord knows I'm not perfect, however, I have never been in love with one person (after the age of 24 - yes I was young and dumb once too) and told ANYONE else that I love them also. Finding something like that out, seeing those words, concrete proof from the person you love dearly and have dedicated the last (almost) 2 years of your life to, is absolutely devastating.

Pure DEVASTATION. I'm not really sure how I'm functioning right now because I am absolutely heart broken and devastated. I'm glad I found the evidence, however I hate that I did, because in a relationship you shouldn't have to feel the need to go looking for anything. I hate that I have to move on because we are BEST friends and are perfect together, but I KNOW that I have to. There is no reason for me to stick around and be taken for granted and deal with the deceit and potential heartache any longer....because surprise surprise!....I have forgiven him before. It wasn't quite as heart wrenching as this situation so I was able to move past it, but THIS, this one just ripped my heart out of my chest.

I think his reaction is typical too. He's sorry, apologetic, swears it was stupid and none of the words he said to her meant anything. It's me that he's in love with and wants to be with. Please forgive him and give him another chance. I keep telling myself that he's only doing all this because he got caught....its the truth....otherwise, it would continue to be the same old routine. Telling me the -I love you's- on the phone as he's on his way out the door to go spend the night and cuddle with her, while I'm half a world away laying in bed alone.

What I want in a relationship......

I've never truly voiced (written) this before because I think that all my life I've compromised my wants for fear of being alone, for fear that what I truly want would never be out there or never be found. Well, this is what I want, and at this point, I'm honestly tired of putting up with all the crap I've been dealing with and I won't settle for less. This MIGHT turn into a long list, and I reserve the right to come back to this and add more as I see fit.

I want a man who will (in no particular order, because they are all important in their own way):

• respect me.
• never deny that I exist.
• always be completely open and honest with me and never lie to me.
• let me cry on his shoulder and comfort me - even if I'm crying for a stupid reason AND wipe up my snot with his shirt without a second thought.
• love me with everything he has and fight for me until the day I die.
• accept me for who and what I am.
• never cheat on me.
• not be afraid to make me his wife.
• be more interested in spending time with me than running the streets or hanging out with his friends (although friends are always important).
• be my best friend and make me laugh uncontrollably even when I'm PMSing.
  

I think I've covered most everything. Is that too much to ask?

Adventures in Dating....well not yet, this is the Break up Story

And so it begins.........No I don't have a funny date story just yet, but hopefully they will follow. I have to thrust myself into the dating scene in an effort to mend my broken heart. Cliche - yes I know. Isn't life one huge revolving, never ending, cliche? I feel like a cross between Carrie Bradshaw and Doogie Howser right now - except I'm not a single blond woman in NYC or a child genius working as a doctor dating a chick named Wanda.

I tried my hardest NOT to be in this position. I truly did, I compromised so many of my "wants" because I thought that this one man could be my everything. Well, you know that straw - yeah that one that broke the camels back - well the camels back was severely broken and the poor beast was laid to rest this morning at about 1:53AM.

How does a man who claims to love a woman and wants to spend the rest of his life with her in the same breath tell another woman that he loves her and misses her and can't wait to lay next to her and wrap his arms around her. Well, I don't know HOW a man can do it - because if I knew, one of life's great mysteries would be solved and I would be a freakin millionaire floating on a yacht off the coast of Costa Rica sipping Belvederes and Cosmopolitans, however, I'll tell you what kind of man does it. A worthless, self centered, incapable of ever giving true love kind of man.

I'm lucky to have such a wise friend and another who was in a similar situation not too long ago. I shed tears, not so much over the fact of kicking this worthless man to the curb, but more so over all of the time I wasted and the compromises I made within myself HOPING that he would change, because you know - and its the truth - all of the signs were there - and this man TOLD me from day one....and let me quote:

"I'm not shit"
"I've NEVER been faithful to anyone"
"I will never leave you, you'll end up leaving me because I Fuck up"

I mean - plain as day - why would I continue when a man comes right out and tells me this? It's the typical woman reaction - we, well I, saw and heard what I wanted to see and hear. I thought "No - he would NEVER do that to me!". I'm not special. Let me clarify, I'm not special to him. I'm no different to him than the crack head whore roaming down Broadway or the cute little girl handing out towels at the gym. Yes I am special, but apparently - I wasn't special enough for him to treat me as such. My friend said - don't look at it as time wasted, you had great times together.

So I begin my search for my Prince Charming. The chapter filled with disrespect and lies will now end so that a new chapter in my life can begin and a door to greater and better things can open. I know there is someone out there who can respect me, and treat me the way I should be treated, at least I hope there is. The next few weeks will be the hardest I'm sure as I transition from the "couple" mentality to the "single" mentality. I know it has to be done though, and its for the best.