Chicks Dig Run-on-Sentences

Wut!!??

I don't usually do this with my personal messages (Since I've discovered Date Wrecks, I get my fix of craziness there) I normally just call out randoms on Craigslist to maintain some sort of impersonality, but I couldn't resist this one:

and it says...

Seen your picture and felt your energy is that you often if so hope we can chat by the way im anthony

He seen my picture and felt my energy is that me often - Is he asking if I'm always that energetic in my pictures? Is that me often, often energetic? Wow, just wow. Complete run on sentence. Maybe he was mobile, I'll excuse the capitalization, but the punctuation, a couple extra button presses to put a period or a question mark in there so I could decipher the cryptic one liner, that was all. Yeah, I say fail.

But wait...

I go to his profile...

Turns out he's an Educator with a Masters Degree.

There is NO excuse for this, NONE.

Another Date Anotha Dolla

Last night I hung out with Dr. Noah again...

Prior to last night, i.e. yesterday afternoon - we had lunch. I like this guy. At lunch he showed up in his collared shirt, slacks, fresh hair cut and glasses. It was way cute!!!!!!. I kinda wanted to jump his bones in the restaurant, but I showed incredible restraint. yay me.

On a side note, I'm going to start calling him LCG, because that's the nickname that my friends and I have for him - inside thing we have about "Larry the Cable Guy". He looks and acts nothing like Larry the Cable Guy though. Much like E40 looks and acts nothing like E40. He reminds me more of Josh Hopkins A.K.A. Dr. Noah from Private Practice, I'm sure Esq will beg to differ, I shall await her response.
Anyhow....back to last night.....

I made dinner, and LCG brought over some scary movies. We ate dinner, drank a couple cervesas, watched movies and then played a couple rounds of guitar hero. My kinda man. Took me to lunch, laughed with me, drank some beers with me, watched movies with me, ate my food and didn't complain (I keed, I can cook), and played video games with me.

MySpace

I took the plunge - I deleted my space. HA...I mean, I deleted my MySpace. It was getting old, played out, juvenile. I've had it for so long and really I have no business as an established, career oriented, put together woman being on MySpace. In all honesty, getting rid of my space frees up time for XBOX live, facebook and blogging *blink*. I keed, I keed. I really am a grown ass woman, just have an inner child. I SWEAR.

My Missed Connection

My missed connection was a crock of shit. Yeah I responded to it - why the hell not? Funny thing is, 2 days later the Craigslist murders story was all over the news:

Ohhhh..Mmmm..Geeee

I'm somewhat relieved that I didn't get a response. I've had my eye out for some creepy dude watching me in the mornings at my sons school though. Still somewhat optimistic, I'm hoping there is some hot single, sane father lurking somewhere in the vicinity.

Miami is Nice, so I'll say it.....THRICE

Miami, Miami, Miiiiaaaaaaammmmmmmiiiiiii

A Guilty Pleasure of mine is the Golden Girls, YES, the Golden Girls. I love Rose. She reminds me of myself. Telling stories that make no sense. Rambling on about things that nobody understands. Talking about people and friends back home that may or may not exist.

I digress, this isn't about Rose...

Esq sent me a text this morning when she heard that "Dorothy", Bea Arthur, passed away this weekend. She will surely be missed, but on the same token, I think it's safe to say that she lived a good long life. We can look forward to a wonderful Golden Girls marathon so I have to make sure to check my listings and DVR them joints.

Indecisive Ass

I don't think I've ever met anyone more indecisive than me when it comes to men. One day they can be the bees knees and the next minute, I'm over it. I don't know why that happens because I'm all about routine and consistency. I eat a Mexican hot pocket every day without a second thought, but certain men, I analyze and over think and it's just...ugh.

Yes, I get annoyed easily. There are actually a few questions that I ask myself to determine whether there is any long term potential:

• Does the fucker get on my nerves?
• Does he drink out of a pineapple cup?
• Does he have more than 300 myspace friends?

Rum-n-Diet Coke "with love"

Love = Cherries

they look like hearts floating around the bottom of my drink

YUM

Friday after work, Happy Hour at Roger Brown's, our Bartender (he has become our bartender because on our 2nd visit he knew our drinks - so we heart him) decided to start throwing some love in our drinks. I thought he just wanted to see us tie the cherry stems in knots in our mouths *blank stare* but no, it was just a gesture of amore. It's such a shame that sweet things make Esq spit. The Love in her glass resulted in a stream of spit dried along the passenger side of my car. I'm sure she doesn't remember, but it was disgustingly hilarious.

Roger Brown's after work on Fridays - good times.

8 Things

(borrowed from one of the blogs I just found to stalk - it's great, Delightfully Inappropriate - Like me)

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:

1. Enjoying the summer
2. Riding my motorcycle more
3. Never working again, i.e. via retirement or winning copius amounts of money
4. Travelling around the world (dependent on the copius amounts of money)
5. Friday night Happy Hour at Roger Brown's
6. Visiting my brother and fam again.....I miss them and my baby nephew's are turning into men too fast. Yeah ok, they're about to graduate from high school.
7. Getting my spare bedroom painted and furnished.
8. Going to sleep early tonight - I can't get in bed before 1am for the life of me.

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Played Guitar Hero
2. Brushed my teef
3. Watched TV (refer to list of 8 shows that I watch)
4. Worked
5. Surfed craigslist missed connections
6. Shopped
7. Text messaged Dr. Noah
8. Made plans with Dr. Noah

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Win the lottery
2. Fly
3. Sing
4. Make calorie free fried chicken, matter of fact, I wish I could make calorie free food PERIOD. DAMN, I'd be rich. Fuck a Xenadrine pill.
5. Work on my own car - I can't tell you how many times I've been screwed over by auto shops.
6. Repair shit around my house. I suck at being a handy man.
7. Keep plants alive.
8. Run 3 miles in 11 minutes.

8 Shows I Watch:

1. The Office
2. Lost
3. Heroes
4. Samantha Who
5. Nip/Tuck
6. True Blood
7. How I met your Mother
8. Iron Chef

People really DO use Missed Connections, and now I has one!

Unless someone I know is fucking with me, which is highly probable, since they all know of my craigslist obsession. For now though, lets roll with the assumption that some, available, single man really did notice me:


So, let's break this down to reasons why I believe this is for me:

1. I am pretty *blink*
   
2. I have black hair.
3. I drop off my kid at said school every morning.
4. I do check my mirror religiously, although not for my hair. I have this obsession with checking to make sure I don't have boogers in my nose, eye crust, and/or junk in my teeth.
5. I drive said type of car.

We shall see...

The way to a mans heart

I have it down to a science:

Beer/Foodz/Sports/Sex

Not necessarily in that order.

Thought O' the Day

Real men eat raw fish and use chopsticks.

I have something important to tell you

I've been trying to call you and text you all day, I have something VERY important to tell you!

I don't understand this...

WHY, if there is something SO important, do I get 20 "Hey" and "what's up" texts and maybe a few calls in between, to all of which I do not respond. Then, about the 20th text, I am told that I am cold blooded because I have not, in fact, responded and I am missing out on some important information that said person has been trying to relay to me over the course of the last 20 "hey" and "what's up" text messages.

What?

If there was something that important that I had to know - YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME 19 TEXT MESSAGES AGO.

Good Woman where are you?

He still hasn't found what he's looking for

I now dub thee as
"The head shot phenomenon"

If it quacks like a date

I don't like to admit that the things I go on with people of the opposite sex are actually dates, but I suppose the reality is that they are, in fact, dates. Whatever.

Meeting #3: Dr. Noah - Awesome.

Adventures in the Mother Hood

One thing I haven't talked about are my (mis)adventures in the mother hood. Being a single mother has it's ups and downs, but being a single mother with an 8 year old boy who thinks he knows everything and is somewhat sensitive, trying to find the man of my dreams, and keeping those worlds from colliding - OH BOY.

Let's all thank the man upstairs for my quick wit and amazing sense of humor *blink*

I'm not sure why Esq finds hilarity in my suffering, but reading her recollection of events, I have to admit, is actually HILARIOUS.

My child stinks conversation
B: I stink you said I stink
Me: no I said you've been running around playing in the grass yeah you smell bad
B gets mad and storms upstairs
Me: damn am I not allowed to tell my child he doesn't smell right?! If he stinks he stinks!

The Hide and Seek Conversation
Me: B, I can hear you!
B: but you can't see Me!
Me: but I can hear you!
B: so where am I?
Me and Esq: behind the table!
B: whatever I'm going upstairs!

Still Wookin Pa Nub

I'm not sure if I even have words for this.



After the picture in ad #1 at the bar with the wife-beater he was feeling really fly, so he went home and took another picture (in the same exact pose, with the same exact expression). What can I say, he's always on the go, eh. We have an upgrade though, he likes to watch movies, so he added the picture standing by his television to reiterate that statement.....wearing his raincoat.

Oriental is a Rug

During my trip to the Happiest Place on Earth, I was lucky enough to find the hotel bar. At first I was upset because the sign said that there was a 2 drink limit. First thing that crossed my mind was Chuck-E-Cheese 2 drink per person limit. Understandable being a family type setting, they can't have people stripping and dancing on tables, however very disappointing after a long day of walking, line Nazi's, crowds etc.....Anyway, I ask Johnny the Colombian bartender with blue eyes (cute) about said rule, and he breaks it down that the rule means you can't carry more then 2 drinks away from the bar at a time......Ahhhhh, YES, so I park at the bar and end up chatting it up with Johnny blue eyes for most of the night.

Next day, one of the ladies that had been there that night was working, I proceeded to get a beer and she asked me if Johnny blue eyes had gotten my number because he claimed he was slick like that. I said no and she laughed. I sure would have given it up had he asked. He was good looking and hooking the drinks up for the amazing discount price. His comment apparently was, I love her eyes, I wonder if she's oriental? To which the other lady working responded:

"Johnny, oriental is a rug"

I made it a point to hang at the bar the next night and chat it up with Johnny blue eyes. I was telling my friends about him and how cute he was and my fear that he was short. Esq's response:

"I think all Colombians may be fun sized"

Happy Easter - I'm going to Florida :)

I've been deprived

I've come to the realization that I've been seriously taken for granted when it comes to men. It's really sad. After the dumbass that thought I would sit around and take his shit forever, I went out a few times with a really nice guy (so what if he drank out of a pineapple cup). My standards have been really low for some years now (OK my whole life). I've been trying to go out with men that actually give a damn and it's kind of working a bit. My friends look at me sideways when I get excited about being treated the way I should be treated. Oh well, it's new and exciting - and I'm easy to please.

The "Q"

I was supposed to get together with E40 and do something anyway and since he was bragging on his cooking skills, I figured I would round up the girls and have a cook out. I also figured it was a good way to get people over to play guitar hero with me. E40 got a couple of his friends and BK and Esq came over.

The plan was for E40 to come with supplies in hand.....you know meatz, beerz, and such. He showed up with his 2 boys: Thuggish Ruggish and Ralph Tresvant oh and some beerz. Cool - no problem, we all sat around and BS'd for a bit, got in a game of Wii bowling - I kicked ass by the way.

Time to fire up the grill...

E40 and Tresvant head to the store to get the supplies. BK, Esq and Thuggish start playing a drinking game "Never have I ever". You know the one where you make a statement and if you've done it you take a drink......Very Interesting.....It went something like this:

Never have I ever carved initials into someones back
BK takes a drink, Thuggish Ruggish *blank stare* then *blink*. I think he was taken aback by that revelation as it was completely contradictory to her innocent demeanor.
Never have I ever been to jail
BK and Thuggish take drinks

Thuggish, out of beer, goes to grab another. Of course we're wondering what he was locked up for.....

Never have I ever committed armed robbery
BINGO BANGO BONGO.......Thuggish drinks and says "That was cute"

The game continues and at some point, something is said that is so asinine (no pun intended) that I am the only one that Never have I ever. I end laughing so hard that I spew red wine out my nostrils and all over my forehead and shades. It was really cute, no really it was.

One of the major underlying events that we cannot overlook is the blatant violation of the "girl rule", not by the girls, but by the oblivious "how fast can I get in some pants" Tresvant and Thuggish. I don't know about other females, but you can't cross flirt with us - It's rather insulting to flirt with my girl and when she turns you down, move on to me. I mean damn, if I wasn't your first choice, kiss my ass. Now, being that they came with E40 saved them. That and the fact that they were pretty entertaining and from what we could tell, good people, besides being typical men -> "fast", we just brushed it off and carried on with the spades, guitar hero and beerz.

Good times.

Thought O' the Day

Fish is the only food that begins to smell more like itself when it goes bad. Other foods don't smell like themselves: "Damn this chicken is old as hell, it smells like.....chicken." NOT

It's SPRING BREAK BITCHES.....

Another Friday - another non-committal drink meet up. Why not? IT'S SPRING BREAK BITCHES, and I'm a free woman for the next 7ish days.

Roger Browns, quickly becoming a favorite "meet me for a drink" spot. Being that this was the 2nd time in my life that I had ever been here for Happy Hour, I was flabbergasted when the bartender knew what I wanted to drink. Damn, I only had 3 or 7 drinks last time, and he wasn't even the one who served me - what's up with that? Of course Esq. found it extremely amusing that the whole damn bar knew what I was drinking.

So we chit chat about who I'm supposed to be meeting. We're sitting at the bar, I, of course, have my back to the door. Esq. stares intently at the front of the establishment checking out every man that walks in. "Is that him?". "Oh that one looks like Turtle from Entourage" , then she laughs as he walks by. My reply? "Oh, I hope that's not him". In walks the king himself. ELVIS. Only because he's from Memphis and has a country boy accent. It's cute though and he's a really nice guy.

The next day: McFadden's and Dreamy Dr. Noah. I decided to ask Dr. Noah if he had some time to meet me for a drink. We were supposed to meet up during the week, but I had issues with my car and wasn't able to drive anywhere outside of a 5 mile radius of my home. He agrees. 30 minutes later, I'm in McFadden's sitting at the bar. 2 drinks later, this cute little Irish guy starts chatting it up with me. "Can I buy you a drink lady?"........to which I reply "But of course". 1/2 way into my free drink and conversation with my own personal leprechaun, Dr. Noah shows up. YUMMY. I do feel bad that I completely turn my back on Mr. Ireland and divert all of my attention to Dr. Noah. I had no choice though, I was there to meet him, right? Super YUM. He says he'd like to take me out for sushi sometime very soon. I'm staring at my phone Dr. Noah. CALL ALREADY.

Blind Dates...

I tend to shy away from utilizing the word date or any semblance of the word date when it comes to meeting someone new in a bar/Happy Hour situation because, well, I don't go expecting the guy to pick up my tab. What if he's a snap dragon and I have to casually slip out through the kitchen? For all intents and purposes, it is not a date.

I digress....

Blind Meeting #1 - E40 (not sure how exactly that came about, but I'll roll with it) and I were actually supposed to meet a couple weeks ago. It should have gone like this: I get off work, E40 gets off work, we go to our homes, freshen up, meet up at the bar, drink and be merry until 5:15.....Hmmmm, didn't quite happen as anticipated. I suppose E40 decided that due to the strenuous work day, he needed to take a power nap at 2:30 in the afternoon knowing that we would be meeting up in about an hour. It wasn't set to be a long meeting either, just a couple drinks. I had other obligations for the evening. Needless to say, the 5.5 minute power nap turned into a Rip Van Winkle sleep-a-thon. He called that night and for the rest of the weekend, I duly ignored his calls. Can you blame me?

Blind Meeting #1 (part duex) - The next Friday, let's try again. Why not. He did a good job being persistently apologetic about his Rip Van Winkle-ism. Same plan, same place, same time. After a few drinks, and quite a few laughs, turns out that E40 is not so bad after all.