Really? I didn't know you were an Asshole, thank you for showing your true colors (for the zillionth time)

Dear Asshole,

You've successfully proven that you are petty and juvenile (and this isn't the first time, I was just too blind too see it as it happened before). I'm not sure what spurred the insults or low blows (I think it's because you can't accept that I really don't want you - *gasp* at the fact that a woman doesn't fall to her knees when you enter a room), but it's stupid and makes you look like an idiot. Why can’t you drop it? I have. I guess if name calling makes you feel better, then, well, it makes you feel better. I’ve always known how you operate, never thought you would turn it on me though (it was entertaining to watch). I find it humorous that you believe that you could still have me if you wanted me – well, I hate to break the news to you, but I don't want you because, if that were the case, I would have been at the airport waiting for your pathetic ass. Really, whether you want me or not, I don’t care. It’s irrelevant and if you insist on insulting me, that’s fine, it doesn’t change the fact that you are a loser and I haven’t wanted you for months. I actually don't love you because you crushed any possibility of that with your selfish, self centered, conceited behavior. I don't care that you fell in love with another woman. Be with her. I don't want you. What part of that do you not understand? You are not all that. Leave me alone and leave your juvenile insults on the playground. While you're at it save some money and work on your credit, you might need it to support your new girlfriend, your three kids, her two kids and to pay for her to come to the U.S. so you can live happily ever after. If she's lucky you might not cheat on her.

Now, YOU go ahead and take care of yourself and have a good life.

Sincerely,
Me

Prepared to make an Impression

Another true story (short but true):

We rolled into a club, and got hooked up VIP style. This guy that had been at an earlier spot was there, and yea I was eyeballing him because well, he was pretty damn cute through my Bacardi goggles. So, I boldly stroll up to the bar and straddle his leg. I don’t know maybe he got the wrong idea at that point....

OK wait for it....

So I take him back to the V.I.P....We're all dancing, we get tired and sit down. He pulls out his cell phone and starts scrolling through pictures. He shows me a picture of his pen-fifteen. WUT?!!!!

So, he has a picture of his johnson on his phone, I HAVE encountered this sort of behavior before...but um, yeah we JUST met like an hour ago. Well, moving along, he happens to have video too.

Next up on the cell phone for my viewing pleasure....

..::THE AMAZING ROTATING STIFFY::..

I had to take it and pass it around to my friends, and surprisingly he sat back and basked in his glory as my friends watched the rotating stiffy. He had NO issue with it at all.

Now I pose these questions:

• Why would a man have a video of his penis on his phone?
• Who took this video for him?
  
• Why would this man show me this video not even 2 hours into knowing him? (maybe it was the leg straddling at the bar, sue me)
  

Just amazing.

Bourgeoisie adventures at the local taco establishment

BITCH, don’t be so Bourgeoisie!!!

So today at lunch, I had an appointment - right after I made a stop at a Taco Bell to grab a quick bite before I headed back to work. As I was greedily piling fire sauce into my bag - and simultaneously scanning my surroundings - ensuring that the patrons don't see me stocking up on fire sauce for future use (hey it comes in handy), the manager struck up a conversation with me as he refilled the sauce bins.

"What your name is?"

OK, I'm kidding.

Really he was very nice and asked where I was from, and what brought me to this area. He followed me to the other side of the counter close to the door, and said something that I made him repeat like 4 times because I'm DEAF...

"Do you have any proactive?"

WTF?

"Have you seen my narrative?"

No?

"Can I get some additive?"

huh? - I'm sorry I can't hear what you're saying....

"You are very attractive" he utters as he leans over so I can finally understand what he's saying in all my deafness. Aaaahhhhhhh, thank you.

ANYWAY, He opened the door for me and walked with me to my car. I thought he was going to get in and drive off into the sunset with me. He gave me his number and invited me back to Taco Bell. Maybe I'll get a free chalupa or something.

If a man really wants you (i.e. ME)

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. I shouldn't have to fight for attention, or knowingly compete with another woman. In my opinion, it should be a personal decision that the man makes IF he wants me. Some men claim they have no time etc etc etc. Well, truth be told - If its the right person, time will ALWAYS be made. Yeah yeah, I'm guilty of it too, the "I just don't have any time" blow off. Claiming I'm oh SO busy. Truth be told, I'm probably just washing my hair, cutting my toenails, watching reruns of The Office, i.e. not that busy, however if you were the "the one I want to make the time for man" I'd throw my hair up in a bun, clip my dawgs another day and make time. That's just how it works. There is ALWAYS TIME, nothing short of death will keep him away - and well even then, sometimes death won't, but then we'd be talking about zombies and that's an entirely different conversation.

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Really, no amount of duct tape, Elmer's glue, homemade Filipino rice glue, rope, fuzzy handcuffs, Crisco grease, or earmuffs will make a man stay if he doesn't want to. If he does stick around when his heart isn't in it, then he's bangin random chicks on the side or has another girlfriend or maybe even a wife. Pay attention to the signs. If he still wants to leave after Crisco and fuzzy earmuffs, let him go.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. So he had a one night stand when he was out with his buddies one night. "Well he was really drunk and he's never done this before and he swore he didn't do anything to her he doesn't do to me. He promised that he didn't get her number and that he used a condom"....DUMMY he claims he was SOOOOO drunk, how does he know what really happened. Riiiiiiiiiight, he knew EXACTLY what he was doing, and it's probably not the first time!!! Make an excuse this time, I can personally guarantee that it will happen again and/or it has happened before. Matter of fact, if I ever win the lottery (my numbers are coming up Tuesday, I can FEEL it!) I'll put 50k on it. I'm THAT sure.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. This is a hard one, because as a woman, while making excuses about all the effed up behavior, the intuition is being ignored. What a conundrum. That gut feeling is there, but the excuses are making it all better and disguising that gut feeling as hunger pangs. Yeah yeah, so we're so distraught over the effed up behavior and being hurt, that eating is forgotten, obviously that intuitive gut feeling that he's no good is hunger. Go grab a hot pocket and call it a day. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
The signs are always there, as previously stated. I personally am not going to compromise myself for someone else's mistakes. The ship has sailed and I'm heading in the opposite direction. Don't expect me to act like the world famous Ringling Brothers and put on the greatest show on earth to make you remember what you had. You chose to forget it, so keep it moving. I never went out of my way before, it will not commence now.

Slower is better. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand HALT. Rushing into it doesn't benefit anything. If the mofo is worth anything he'll be there in 3 months just like he'll be in 11 months. Slower is definitely better. That's why I'm a birgin. (That typo is there for a reason)

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve....then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Never ever think that a man can be changed. That mofo has to want to change himself FOR himself not for anyone else.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man. Oh Lord!? If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. This is the most important lesson of all. Man, I don't know what women think (self included - been there done that and not proud of it because yes it bit me in the arse). I am not that special and I really thought I was. I'm sure the next chick thinks she is special too. I hope she is, but realistically speaking.....history repeats itself, and that IS a fact.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. Oh so true! Ladies that have men that cheat, verbally abuse you, lie, maybe even get physical.....it is allowed. I've learned that love is not enough. I can have all the love in the world for a person, but with the knowledge that he will never treat me right - I will not continue to clean his doo doo stains and cook his peanut butter and jelly. Oh no!

All men are NOT dogs. This remains to be seen for me. I'm definitely optimistic, and I'm sure there is one man out there who is honest, committed, intelligent, and successful AND insanely funny/witty.....*GASP* that sounds like so much to ask for. Yeah 99% of the good ones are taken, which narrows the pickins, but referring back to the never borrow someone’s man....it's a vicious cycle that makes way too much sense.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.

You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. The infamous relationship jumping, in the next one before the last one is over. Where does that leave anyone? It probably ends with a whole lot of heartache.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, another RETHINK her choices and another woman PREPARE.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them. Yes indeed, I’ll forever be scarred by the P.O.S. that screwed me over claiming that I was his best friend and that he loved me. What an eye opening experience…..it will definitely take me a lifetime to forget.

The Wing Man

I actually had the pleasure of witnessing a group of boys discuss who was going to be the wing man for one of their friends. It was the funniest thing I had seen in a looong time.

So I was in a bar with a very raunchy name being a pool shark. I really suck at pool, like I suck at Taboo, but well I happened to get lucky. There were 2 drunk girls playing shuffleboard. One was, I suppose, the "cute" one, and her friend was the "take one for the team" girl.

A group of 4 or 5 guys came in sat at the bar, ordered beers and one went over to the chicks at the shuffleboard table and started talking to the "cute" girl. He looks over at his group of friends and says "Hey man come over here and play!" Not at any one of them in particular, it was more of an open plea for one of them to come play and keep "take one for the team" girl occupied and seal the deal with"cute" girl for the night.

Their discussion wasn't really in depth either, it was "dude, do you see that shit"....then they shook their heads and drank beer.

Cupid Shuffle

I've decided to stop doing the cupid shuffle. It's reminiscent of the rain dance. You know, do the rain dance and it's supposed to start raining? Well, with that said, in theory, if one were to do the cupid shuffle, you would draw the conclusion that by the completion of the dance, you would be madly in love - hit by cupids arrow, you know the story...

HAH! Blasphemy.

Do the rain dance = Chances are its not raining (seriously how DO you do the rain dance anyway?!)
Do the cupid shuffle = Chances are you are on a dance floor with a bunch of drunk sweaty people bumping into each other and not particularly capable of falling in love at that moment.

Point is, the opposite happens. No rain with the rain dance and No cupid with his chubby ankles and love soaked arrow with the shuffle.

I'm going to start doing the "Lying cheating bastard shuffle"

Trash can Bonfire! wut?

Memorial Day Weekend 2008 - True Story.

It was a nice pre-summer day. A number of people had gathered, having fun, cooking a whole bunch of food, playing spades, drinking beer and large amounts of various types or liquor. The setting - a backyard, not necessarily a landscaped backyard - well there was a rusted car in the back left hand corner that the kids were playing on, and a rundown shed to the right.

Messley Swipes, a somewhat less dapper version of the famous Wessley Snipes, was hosting the event and Mr. Squid, his homeboy, carried a makeshift bar in his trunk. He literally pulls out two blenders, a card table and extension cords and sets up a bar next to the grills and starts mixing up the Pina Coladas! Maybe we should have brought out a tip jar too?

So I get in line...........(did you insert a blank stare here like I did?)

Drink in hand, I sit and sip on my fresh backyard blended colada. Esquire and I are relaxing, listening to music, people watching.

Messley creates a bonfire in a metal trash can, in his backyard, in the middle of Norfolk, Virginia?!!?!.....and well....it wasn't because anyone was cold. Mariah - Fantasy was playing in the background. Instead of questioning the events, we began to sing along with Mariah as he chucked trash into the can and we watched as the flames stretched up into the Norfolk sky.

It was beautiful.

My craigslist obsession is dwindling

After achieving "best of" a few months back, that challenge, that Je ne sais quoi, that Craigslist "it" factor is no longer present. Not to mention, I suspect the same 3 or 4 attention starved people are posting up different ads in an attempt to jump start their non-existent social life. I know one in particular is running through trying to steal my glory, I even set some bait for him and he bit like a big fat bass going for that wiggly worm in the salty ass Chesapeake Bay.

I caught you, you fake Craigslist poster!!

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck....

That doesn't mean it's a damn hippopotamus. That means its a duck!!

I'm guilty of it, we all are at one point or another, guilty of trying to make someone believe we're not a duck when we're waddling along on webbed feet and everything coming out our mouths is a quack this quack that. The point is recognizing that you have webbed extremities and getting that crap taken care of.

..::Some are willing to accept their faults, and the rest will never change::..

Another year gone...

Yes, another year come and gone. 2008 is officially over and 2009 is here!!!! (can you sense the excitement in my typing??) 2008 has been a bad year, I'm sure everyone is going to make that claim, insert standard toast line:

"[past year here] has sucked donkey ballz, lets make [new year here] better."

I have to say though, that mine really DID suck. I've been essentially alone on NYE for as long as I can remember. NYE 2006 - was with my man at the time, but he decided sleeping was more important. NYE 2007 - house full of people but the one I wanted to be standing next to me and share a kiss with when the ball dropped decided that the guests were more important - I mean damn, could I get 5 seconds? NYE 2008 - a busted ass new years eve to close out the busted ass year. However, to offset the complaining, let me look on the bright side:

• I'm alive.
• I'm still employed contrary to the current status of the economy.
• I have a roof over my head and will continue to have a roof over my head given my employment status does not change.
• I have my son (however not with me for the Holidays).

I suppose I had options for tonight, but nobody I truly would have liked to share the evening with - whether friends or a date - were around, i.e. nobody cared to ask if I wanted to hang out. I got more invited from perfect strangers than from my "closest" friends.

Is it that serious though? It's just another night and I need to pull myself together.

Happy New Year!