Some 2008 Lessons Learned

I've learned some good stuff this year.

I've learned that....

• You never ever get your hair cut in the mall unless you really don’t give a damn and don’t mind waking up the next morning with poufy mullet bangs. Good hairdresser = Good hair.
• You never eat at a Mexican restaurant unless there are Mexicans working there. Same for Chinese food, Mexicans cooking Chinese food is a huge faux pas.
• I can post the most outrageously made up missed connection on Craig’s list and some person who appears on every dating site known to man will respond thinking I am referring to him. Sarcastic undertones in a blatant made up missed connection post + ignorance = desperation. I, personally, only respond to ones that have outright references to me.
• I suck at Taboo.
• You can lead a man to a good woman but you can’t make him be faithful or trustworthy. I guess that means he wasn’t a good man to begin with.
• Magnifying makeup mirrors are the devil.
• It's ok to be single. You don't have to wash doo doo stains out of anyones underwear.
• I won't ever be anyone's #2

Christmas Spirit

Movie time with leisure suit Larry

True Story - although not the REAL Leisure suit Larry ( I mean he is a virtual character), Larry (not his real name) did have greasy hair and that used car salesman swagger. Oh wait - he WAS a used car salesman!

Every time this happens I swear to the dating God's over a pint of Ben and Jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a couple glasses of diet coke that I will NEVER ever go out on a date with another man that I meet on line evArrrrrrrrrrrrr. Well, that normally lasts until my last bite of ice cream and swig of soda. The cycle never ends. As if Leisure suit Larry's greasy head, used car salesman swagger and Skeletor-ish good looks weren't enough, his idea of a first date was a movie.

Outstanding!

I think its common knowledge that a first meeting/date/whatever should never be a movie. Why on earth would you go to the movies? Let's break this down:

1. You can't talk. Well you really shouldn't talk - you know "don't create your own soundtrack - the movie already has one"?. So, if we do go to the movies and you try to hold a conversation with me about anything ESPECIALLY the movie, I guarantee popcorn will be crammed down your external auditory canal so you cant hear shit. On the bright side you may have a snack later when you pick the kernels out.
2. You can't gaze into each others eyes because you're sitting side by side. At best you go to one of the snazzy stadium seating theaters where the arm rest lifts and if you're not too nervous you can cop a feel with the "accidental" arm or leg rub.
3. You can't play footsies, for the reason stated above - you're sitting side by side. I might be able to kick the hell out of you as I gracefully cross my legs, but that's about it.

With all that said - THANK THE LORD we went to the movies!!!! I don't think I could have gazed into "Larry's" eyes, the greasy hair would have been distracting.

A Random Musing about OPP (other peoples personals)

I've come to the conclusion that people are idiots (surprise surprise). Now, I myself, am not perfect, FAR from it. I have never claimed perfection and matter of fact, I experience sporadic waves of imperfection as well as brief moments of pure stupidity.

I find pure comic relief in perusing OPP (other peoples personals) and laugh myself silly wondering WHO in thee HELL is going to respond to the damn things!?

So this guy apparently is looking for a "real woman", I mean he IS a "real man" that smells good. He has pictures, including a picture of his closet full of his "kicks" and "gear". Do you think maybe he's trying to impress us with his organizational skills? That closet looks very organized. Hmmmmm, he's going to attract a winner with that one. A real gold digging winner, or...better yet, a man who wants to share his gear. How about the fact that he points out he is a "black man". He must want a smart woman too because we obviously can't tell his skin color simply by looking at his pictures. Yes, and he's creative - I fail to see the creativity in his ad, however the organization of his closet shows a bit of style. Oh and wait! He is FREAKY too! Oh baby, let me message him NOW.

The original Road Dawg

Is it REALLY true that once you move past a relationship - i.e. it fails, that it will never work again? Why revisit? It FAILED! I do tend to agree, but the optimist and hopeless romantic in me tends to disagree, contrary to every logical bone in my body.

The other night, I went out for a few drinks...I walk into the establishment and being my normal random self, I point towards the bar as I cruise right by the hostess. In my head, my pointing and non-stop walking was supposed to let her know that "Hey woman, no need to say anything, I'm about to go sit my ass down at the bar and order a drink, no need to ask me how many in my party - smoking or non?” I do that a lot; I have these elaborate thoughts in my head and fail to speak them. I should probably work on that:

*Note to self - have voice in head speak up more often - Step #1 for more effective communication.

As I’m pointing, I notice that I'm pointing right at this guy sitting on the other side of the bar by himself. In addition to my pointing motion, being my normal random self, I also have this big cheesy smile on my face. This guy obviously thinks I'm smiling and pointing at him. It took a lot to contain my laughter. He was pretty cute. And I’m sure he thought I was a goof.....

Digress.

Anyway, point is, I ran into an old friend, we were tight back in the day, like years of tightness. He has changed in a very good way, I’m impressed. Unfortunate that he's married now. Not for him of course, definitely for me. Very funny how things happen, how life happens. People don’t wait, life doesn’t wait. Live.

Awesomeness

As it turns out, perfect strangers appreciate my sense of (or lack of) humor, as evidenced by my nomination and subsequent inclusion to the "Best-of-Craigslist" postings. If you get a chance peruse this section. It's great!!

Men who have "kitty kats" (figuratively speaking)

I'm a woman of the millennium, I'd like to think I'm independent. I take care of myself and don't expect or need a man to take care of me monetarily (its certainly nice if they have the ability to, but that's neither here nor there). I consider myself a mixture of modern woman and old fashioned.

I've found that I don't like men that complain. It's MY job to bitch and complain, that's a woman role. Being that I am a bit old fashioned means, in my book, that a man should be manly. You can show emotion, I appreciate that, but if your life ALWAYS sucks and all you can do is be down and out and complain - leave me out of it. Your job is to make ME happy, and listen to ME bitch and moan as I see fit (and I don’t do that often). And oh yes......

CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD!! (at least I hope not)

So I've determined the following....

Man Roles:

• Take out the trash so I have room to throw away your crap.
• Change the light bulbs when they burn out so I can see what the hell I'm cooking you for dinner.
• Make sure my car runs (oil, tune ups, etc) so I can buy groceries and cook for your ass.
• Open car doors for me so I feel special and like I'm #1 and don't think about all the other chicks you have on your myspace top friends.
• Listen to me bitch, moan and complain (on the occasion that I do) and LIKE it. Humor me without making me feel like you're humoring me, I can tell if you are. If you cheer me up, rewards for you will follow. (I don't think men realize this)

Woman roles (i.e. things I do):

• Cook dinner for you so you don't have to go to that chicks house you met last week.
• Wash your clothes so I don't have to see your doo doo stains in your boxers.
• Keep your drinks filled or a beer in hand so you don't have to get up off your lazy butt.
• Keep the house clean so you don't feel like you're living with your ex, you left her for a reason right?

Is that too much to ask? I do know this - there shouldn’t collectively be any decision making without any consultation – that’s the millennium woman speaking. That is a deal breaker, especially if money is involved.....and don't be mad if I make more than you - I'll still cook and clean and wash the doo doo out of your boxers.

I got my T-Shirts, YES!

Courtesy of T-shirt hell

I ain't got no crabs (bad place for a first date)

Joe's Crab Shack, Great place to eat, Horrible choice for a first date - unless of course you just want some bomb ass coconut shrimp and don't give a damn about the conversation. So, This is how it goes:

Conversation -> conversation -> order -> sip on drinks (to loosen up) -> LOUD ASS Rose Royce "At the car wash" and all the emotionless, zombie-like servers on the floor between the tables dancing like synchronized swimmers and/or fish out of water (I mean it IS a seafood restaurant) -> OK they're done -> resume conversation -> eat -> drink

DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!

LOUD ASS Cupid "Cupid Shuffle" -> commence with all the emotionless, zombie-like servers on the floor between the tables, dancing once again like synchronized swimmers and/or again like fish out of water (yes as I mentioned before it IS a seafood restaurant) doing the cupid shuffle -> OK they're done again.

In their defense - there was ONE server who looked like she enjoyed dancing in between the tables and actually looked excited and showed some sort of emotion. She had rhythm. Remember the Steve Martin movie when he finds his rhythm? OK never mind.

Bottom line....don't go on a first date to Joe's Crab Shack unless...
#1 - You are in an established relationship and you don't give a damn whether you talk.
#2 - You don't give a damn about your date and you're only in it for some grub and cocktails!

Ice Cubes

I woke up the other morning knowing I would soon be thirsty as hell. I decided to fill up a container with ice and go back to sleep. Why you ask? It's simple science...

"Do you want some ice right now?"
"No, but I want some water later, so yeah"

It's genius! Just like relationships - "Hey, do you want to get married?"...."No, but I want to get divorced later, so yeah".

Merry Christmas...BAH Humbug

It's already December. I bought light up candy canes for my expansive yard. I swore I wasn't going to decorate this year. I might be forced to pull the crap out of the "attic". We'll see. All I know is I need my new t-shirt to jumpstart that Christmas spirit...
BAH Humbug. Santa is getting carrot sticks and tomato juice. That'll show him. NO SUGAR COOKIES AND FRESCAVENA for you THIS year white beard man.