Dating......Oh Noes.

Wellllllllll - here it is......

I have decided to thrust myself full force into the realm of dating. I anticipate a great adventure, or maybe not so great adventures that are entertainingly ridiculously knee-slappingly mind-boggleingly hilarious. We shall see.

First things first, because of my life - I don't have the advantage of attending a large number of social events. When I am in a social situation, its usually a bar or club and well, we all know that is NOT the prime spot to meet a quality man. So, what is the answer you ask? The internet :)......

It's tough weeding through the potentials. I've found that. just like in a real life situation, the virtual dating scene has it's "types" too. I also find that I can feel connected to someone from their picture alone. All bullshit aside, attraction IS the first step, and if I don't think you're cute in your picture then there is NO hope for anything further.

The types:
1. The one that puts up pictures on dating site hugged up with other women.
2. The one that blows kisses at the camera and/or is sucking on a lollipop.
3. The one that has 5 pictures of himself with his shirt off flexing for the camera.
4. The one that puts up an OLD picture and knows its old and comments that its the "most recent one he has".
5. The one that has a pre written script for every woman within a 150 mile radius of him. (Hey one of the women has to respond, right?)

So after a few weeks of muddling through the perpetual on line dating mess. I see one that sparks my interest. Yes, his pictures do have potential. We exchange flirtatious messages, joking, conversating, scratching the surface of getting to know one another. Yes, I think I'd like to meet this one.Now, I am a paranoid person by nature so even though I've thrown myself into the realm of online dating, actually getting myself out there to physically MEET someone is an entirely different beast. I sense some potential and need to do this for myself especially after the horrible few months I've just had and crap that I've recently been subject to.

So we go out......more to come....

You can love me until you're blue in the face.....

It's just not enough.

I thought I could justify the betrayal and disrespect based upon love alone, but no matter how I try to paint the picture, all the colors blend together and make this big blob of black crap.

You can't love me with all your heart and spend your nights in another woman's bed, kissing her and stroking her hair.
You can't love me and spend your days cuddling on the couch watching movies with another woman like you and I used to do.
You don't love me when you let the words "I love you" come out of your mouth and they aren't directed at me.

Bottom line, you can't claim to love me and want to spend the rest of your life with me and expect me to believe your empty words when all you do and have done is been inconsiderate and disrespectful.

I have never been so hurt and betrayed.

I would be a self respect lacking fool to ever accept you back into my life after what you've done.

Dedicated to change.....

Can the fear of completely losing something you TRULY love make somebody just turn their life around with the blink of an eye? Sure the question can be asked if you TRULY loved this "thing" in the first place, why was it taken for granted. I suppose we all do things for one reason or another. The human psyche is a complex beast. I take for granted breathing. If someone came up to me and tried to suffocate me, you can damn sure believe that I would fight for my life and be thankful for the ability to breathe after that.

Yes I LOVE to breathe, because yes I love living, I don't want to die. I have too much left to do.

If I'm someones breath and I was taken for granted for SO long, and I was suddenly removed, not by my choice, but because of something they did......They took the simple ability to breathe and the fact that air would always be available for granted and did something horrible. However, they woke up and decided to fight tooth and nail for their life - should they be allowed to breathe again?

Too little too late?

A dozen roses, a teddy bear, an apology poem? Is it all in vain? It certainly seems that way. I'm sure the remorse and regret are there NOW, just as the huge ego and conceit were there all along. The certainty that I would never go anywhere when I was being played like a fool and taken for granted. It was so set in stone that I was the rock that would never move no matter what storm came through.

This is all so much deeper though.

Please believe I'm not a bible thumper or a fanatically religious person at all. I just tend to read passages when I need guidance or go through a hard time, because hey, like most people I do believe in a higher power - and believing in something gets us all through rough times. Last one I read was about forgiveness. We should forgive people not seven, but up to seventy-seven times. I can definitley forgive - in time, but does forgiving mean that I can go on and be with that person again? Can someone truly change?

Nope, it's not enough

Love is simply not enough.
You can love me until your face turns purple.
You can ask me if I know that you love me every day.
You can tell me you love me morning noon and night 7 days a week.
Love is simply not enough.

Lasting love takes compatibility, commitment, chemistry, and communication.
Real love is sane and pure and grounded, it's stable, it's secure.

There is NO reason in the world for me to put up with a man who has another woman telling him that she loves him and he is telling her the same REGARDLESS of the reason.

NO EXCUSE.

The ULTIMATE Betrayal....

Betrayal, a form of deception or dismissal of prior presumptions, is the breaking or violation of a presumptive social contract (trust, or confidence) that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations or between individuals and organizations.

A relationship is essentially a social contract. You tell someone you love them and that you want to spend the rest of your life with them and with that the possibility of an eventual marriage is there.

A long distance relationship is a social contract - with a few caveats. No where in the long distance relationship contract does it say that one party or the other can take on another boyfriend/girlfriend and whisper sweet nothings in their ear and smother them with kisses and affection. That belongs to ME! Call me crazy but I can forgive a slip up here and there given a long distance situation - because Lord knows I'm not perfect, however, I have never been in love with one person (after the age of 24 - yes I was young and dumb once too) and told ANYONE else that I love them also. Finding something like that out, seeing those words, concrete proof from the person you love dearly and have dedicated the last (almost) 2 years of your life to, is absolutely devastating.

Pure DEVASTATION. I'm not really sure how I'm functioning right now because I am absolutely heart broken and devastated. I'm glad I found the evidence, however I hate that I did, because in a relationship you shouldn't have to feel the need to go looking for anything. I hate that I have to move on because we are BEST friends and are perfect together, but I KNOW that I have to. There is no reason for me to stick around and be taken for granted and deal with the deceit and potential heartache any longer....because surprise surprise!....I have forgiven him before. It wasn't quite as heart wrenching as this situation so I was able to move past it, but THIS, this one just ripped my heart out of my chest.

I think his reaction is typical too. He's sorry, apologetic, swears it was stupid and none of the words he said to her meant anything. It's me that he's in love with and wants to be with. Please forgive him and give him another chance. I keep telling myself that he's only doing all this because he got caught....its the truth....otherwise, it would continue to be the same old routine. Telling me the -I love you's- on the phone as he's on his way out the door to go spend the night and cuddle with her, while I'm half a world away laying in bed alone.

What I want in a relationship......

I've never truly voiced (written) this before because I think that all my life I've compromised my wants for fear of being alone, for fear that what I truly want would never be out there or never be found. Well, this is what I want, and at this point, I'm honestly tired of putting up with all the crap I've been dealing with and I won't settle for less. This MIGHT turn into a long list, and I reserve the right to come back to this and add more as I see fit.

I want a man who will (in no particular order, because they are all important in their own way):

• respect me.
• never deny that I exist.
• always be completely open and honest with me and never lie to me.
• let me cry on his shoulder and comfort me - even if I'm crying for a stupid reason AND wipe up my snot with his shirt without a second thought.
• love me with everything he has and fight for me until the day I die.
• accept me for who and what I am.
• never cheat on me.
• not be afraid to make me his wife.
• be more interested in spending time with me than running the streets or hanging out with his friends (although friends are always important).
• be my best friend and make me laugh uncontrollably even when I'm PMSing.
  

I think I've covered most everything. Is that too much to ask?

Adventures in Dating....well not yet, this is the Break up Story

And so it begins.........No I don't have a funny date story just yet, but hopefully they will follow. I have to thrust myself into the dating scene in an effort to mend my broken heart. Cliche - yes I know. Isn't life one huge revolving, never ending, cliche? I feel like a cross between Carrie Bradshaw and Doogie Howser right now - except I'm not a single blond woman in NYC or a child genius working as a doctor dating a chick named Wanda.

I tried my hardest NOT to be in this position. I truly did, I compromised so many of my "wants" because I thought that this one man could be my everything. Well, you know that straw - yeah that one that broke the camels back - well the camels back was severely broken and the poor beast was laid to rest this morning at about 1:53AM.

How does a man who claims to love a woman and wants to spend the rest of his life with her in the same breath tell another woman that he loves her and misses her and can't wait to lay next to her and wrap his arms around her. Well, I don't know HOW a man can do it - because if I knew, one of life's great mysteries would be solved and I would be a freakin millionaire floating on a yacht off the coast of Costa Rica sipping Belvederes and Cosmopolitans, however, I'll tell you what kind of man does it. A worthless, self centered, incapable of ever giving true love kind of man.

I'm lucky to have such a wise friend and another who was in a similar situation not too long ago. I shed tears, not so much over the fact of kicking this worthless man to the curb, but more so over all of the time I wasted and the compromises I made within myself HOPING that he would change, because you know - and its the truth - all of the signs were there - and this man TOLD me from day one....and let me quote:

"I'm not shit"
"I've NEVER been faithful to anyone"
"I will never leave you, you'll end up leaving me because I Fuck up"

I mean - plain as day - why would I continue when a man comes right out and tells me this? It's the typical woman reaction - we, well I, saw and heard what I wanted to see and hear. I thought "No - he would NEVER do that to me!". I'm not special. Let me clarify, I'm not special to him. I'm no different to him than the crack head whore roaming down Broadway or the cute little girl handing out towels at the gym. Yes I am special, but apparently - I wasn't special enough for him to treat me as such. My friend said - don't look at it as time wasted, you had great times together.

So I begin my search for my Prince Charming. The chapter filled with disrespect and lies will now end so that a new chapter in my life can begin and a door to greater and better things can open. I know there is someone out there who can respect me, and treat me the way I should be treated, at least I hope there is. The next few weeks will be the hardest I'm sure as I transition from the "couple" mentality to the "single" mentality. I know it has to be done though, and its for the best.