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I've never truly voiced (written) this before because I think that all my life I've compromised my wants for fear of being alone, for fear that what I truly want would never be out there or never be found. Well, this is what I want, and at this point, I'm honestly tired of putting up with all the crap I've been dealing with and I won't settle for less. This MIGHT turn into a long list, and I reserve the right to come back to this and add more as I see fit.
I want a man who will (in no particular order, because they are all important in their own way):
- respect me.
- never deny that I exist.
- always be completely open and honest with me and never lie to me.
- let me cry on his shoulder and comfort me - even if I'm crying for a stupid reason AND wipe up my snot with his shirt without a second thought.
- love me with everything he has and fight for me until the day I die.
- accept me for who and what I am.
- never cheat on me.
- not be afraid to make me his wife.
- be more interested in spending time with me than running the streets or hanging out with his friends (although friends are always important).
- be my best friend and make me laugh uncontrollably even when I'm PMSing.
I think I've covered most everything. Is that too much to ask?
And so it begins.........No I don't have a funny date story just yet, but hopefully they will follow. I have to thrust myself into the dating scene in an effort to mend my broken heart. Cliche - yes I know. Isn't life one huge revolving, never ending, cliche? I feel like a cross between Carrie Bradshaw and Doogie Howser right now - except I'm not a single blond woman in NYC or a child genius working as a doctor dating a chick named Wanda.
I tried my hardest NOT to be in this position. I truly did, I compromised so many of my "wants" because I thought that this one man could be my everything. Well, you know that straw - yeah that one that broke the camels back - well the camels back was severely broken and the poor beast was laid to rest this morning at about 1:53AM.
How does a man who claims to love a woman and wants to spend the rest of his life with her in the same breath tell another woman that he loves her and misses her and can't wait to lay next to her and wrap his arms around her. Well, I don't know HOW a man can do it - because if I knew, one of life's great mysteries would be solved and I would be a freakin millionaire floating on a yacht off the coast of Costa Rica sipping Belvederes and Cosmopolitans, however, I'll tell you what kind of man does it. A worthless, self centered, incapable of ever giving true love kind of man.
I'm lucky to have such a wise friend and another who was in a similar situation not too long ago. I shed tears, not so much over the fact of kicking this worthless man to the curb, but more so over all of the time I wasted and the compromises I made within myself HOPING that he would change, because you know - and its the truth - all of the signs were there - and this man TOLD me from day one....and let me quote:
"I'm not shit"
"I've NEVER been faithful to anyone"
"I will never leave you, you'll end up leaving me because I Fuck up"
I mean - plain as day - why would I continue when a man comes right out and tells me this? It's the typical woman reaction - we, well I, saw and heard what I wanted to see and hear. I thought "No - he would NEVER do that to me!". I'm not special. Let me clarify, I'm not special to him. I'm no different to him than the crack head whore roaming down Broadway or the cute little girl handing out towels at the gym. Yes I am special, but apparently - I wasn't special enough for him to treat me as such. My friend said - don't look at it as time wasted, you had great times together.
So I begin my search for my Prince Charming. The chapter filled with disrespect and lies will now end so that a new chapter in my life can begin and a door to greater and better things can open. I know there is someone out there who can respect me, and treat me the way I should be treated, at least I hope there is. The next few weeks will be the hardest I'm sure as I transition from the "couple" mentality to the "single" mentality. I know it has to be done though, and its for the best.
I've never truly voiced (written) this before because I think that all my life I've compromised my wants for fear of being alone, for fear that what I truly want would never be out there or never be found. Well, this is what I want, and at this point, I'm honestly tired of putting up with all the crap I've been dealing with and I won't settle for less. This MIGHT turn into a long list, and I reserve the right to come back to this and add more as I see fit.
