I ain't got no crabs (bad place for a first date)

Joe's Crab Shack, Great place to eat, Horrible choice for a first date - unless of course you just want some bomb ass coconut shrimp and don't give a damn about the conversation. So, This is how it goes:

Conversation -> conversation -> order -> sip on drinks (to loosen up) -> LOUD ASS Rose Royce "At the car wash" and all the emotionless, zombie-like servers on the floor between the tables dancing like synchronized swimmers and/or fish out of water (I mean it IS a seafood restaurant) -> OK they're done -> resume conversation -> eat -> drink

DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!

LOUD ASS Cupid "Cupid Shuffle" -> commence with all the emotionless, zombie-like servers on the floor between the tables, dancing once again like synchronized swimmers and/or again like fish out of water (yes as I mentioned before it IS a seafood restaurant) doing the cupid shuffle -> OK they're done again.

In their defense - there was ONE server who looked like she enjoyed dancing in between the tables and actually looked excited and showed some sort of emotion. She had rhythm. Remember the Steve Martin movie when he finds his rhythm? OK never mind.

Bottom line....don't go on a first date to Joe's Crab Shack unless...
#1 - You are in an established relationship and you don't give a damn whether you talk.
#2 - You don't give a damn about your date and you're only in it for some grub and cocktails!

Ice Cubes

I woke up the other morning knowing I would soon be thirsty as hell. I decided to fill up a container with ice and go back to sleep. Why you ask? It's simple science...

"Do you want some ice right now?"
"No, but I want some water later, so yeah"

It's genius! Just like relationships - "Hey, do you want to get married?"...."No, but I want to get divorced later, so yeah".

Merry Christmas...BAH Humbug

It's already December. I bought light up candy canes for my expansive yard. I swore I wasn't going to decorate this year. I might be forced to pull the crap out of the "attic". We'll see. All I know is I need my new t-shirt to jumpstart that Christmas spirit...
BAH Humbug. Santa is getting carrot sticks and tomato juice. That'll show him. NO SUGAR COOKIES AND FRESCAVENA for you THIS year white beard man.

My missed connections

It never fails, when I'm ready you're not and when you're ready, I'm not. It's been the one constant in my life. He wanted me, but I wasn't ready or willing for whatever reason, then I wanted him but he wasn't ready or willing.....and/or vice versa. I think that's happened in every relationship. I must put an end to this circle of missed connections! What's that quote? You know the one about loving and leaving and some other crap.......

"Never leave the one that loves you for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love"

The other version is completely wrong and makes no sense, so if some wannabe poetic woman tries to make that her MySpace headline, tell her she's a dumbass and her college education did her no good (if she truly has one) because she's employed as a bartender. Did I mention that I despise Korea, and any mention of that country will invoke an evil stare followed by a "Get the Fuck out of my face"?

Wow I digress.

So the incorrect version is "Never leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love." This just completely lacks sense, because well, if I was leaving the hypothetic one that I loved for someone else, then hmmmm, I would imagine that I no longer loved him.

I was in love once......I think. If I had REALLY been in love, why would I have made the decisions that I've made thus far. If someone were REALLY in love with me, I would never be hurt and be living my happily ever after. Amazing - life theories are simply full of shit, yet I never give up.

Signed,
Optimistic but bitter

The Naked Man

Supposedly this will work 2 out of 3 times. Hmmmm, I guess I was that 3rd time (LUCKY ME) because it certainly didn't work on me.

Another story that happened a few years back which is now fresh in my memory thanks to an episode of "How I met your mother":

A friend from work and I went out dancing. Night came to an end (and I remember this like it was yesterday)...said friend followed me into my apartment as if some sort of magical night would commence once we got inside and I shut the door.

Not quite.....

We get inside and with my typical I don't give a damn attitude, because I knew nothing was going to happen and I was trying to figure out what the heck he was doing, I say "I don't know what you're doing but I'm about to go change". Nowhere in that statement, nor "betweenthelines" in that statement did it say "I will go get naked and be right back, you do the same right where you are standing" because I fully intended on putting on pajamas and not reappearing in my living room in my birthday suit.

I walk out of my room, and to my surprise.....friend is still standing in the SAME position next to the front door by my end table, and he is......WAIT FOR IT......

BUTT ASS NAKED.

I suppose its rather insulting when a woman laughs hysterically at a man who has just stripped down to his birthday suit and ready to "perform". I commenced to grabbing his clothes, handed them to him and said "Um, you need to go"

Never heard from friend again.

Happy Spanksgiving

I think Mr. Sweet Dance moves has some serious competition as evidenced by last nights festivities. Mr. Sweet Dance Moves Senior was breaking it down. If you ever see me, please ask me to demonstrate. It's quite a seductive dance. Seductive enough to make a grown woman pass out from sheer excitement. Imagine Jack Black in "Shallow Hal". Very similar. I actually prefer the Napoleon Dynamite dance moves - maybe why I'm partial to Mr. Sweet Dance Moves Jr. I found myself having to pretend that my friends friend was my boyfriend for the night so Dance Moves Sr. would cut the sexy stares and Shallow Hal dance moves.

Oh it was a very eventful Holiday!

Needless to say, I had an awesome Thanksgiving. First ever with my brother and family. We ate, drank wine, beer, liquor and played beer pong. Other items on the nights agenda included Yeungling, poker of the naked variety, and a free continental breakfast. Please don't ask me to explain, because it's not as tawdry as it sounds. At least for me it wasn't. I was just in the mix so I could claim my bagel and slather cream cheese on as it flew out of the community toaster.....

and boy was it Fresh!

My Thanksgiving revelation is this: Us old single people looking for our "partner in crime" are absolutely CRAZY. I know I do ridiculous things, its no secret. I'm sure my family thinks I'm out there in LaLa land, well I have news - I might could be. Every old single person is the same. Give us some drinks and music and we will probably try to leg hump everyone in the room. Proud to say though, I maintained my composure......THIS time.

Off Topic - Why aren't words pronounced the way they look?

A few years back I was in Hooters with some co-workers. We were seated at one of the nice glossy wooden tables. Unfortunately it lacked silverware - this will be important in just a moment - wait for it. So, we order, chit chat, and the food comes. Hey, no silverware! One of my counterparts kindly asks the b00bs, I mean Hooters chick for a kuh-ni-fee. I looked at him in PURE amusement and asked in my typical manner:

"What the fukk?"

He then broke down his explanation of all the words we have that are pronounced incorrectly. He was taught to enunciate therefore he would do so and dammit he would carry on that English language tradition if it was the last thing he did.

So our comparison conversation began (at this point I don't recall if the Hooters chick had ANY idea what a kuh-ni-fee was - yes I'm being blatantly stereotypical, I'm sure she was working her way through law school, and I'm just being outrageously jealous of her perfect bosom and white leg warmers).....

Digression.

Knife -> kun-ni-fee -> n-eye-fuh
Phlegm -> puh-leh-gum -> flem
Perignon (as in Dom) -> pear-ig-non -> pay-reen-yohng (yeah its French, but still)

Blast from the Past

Mr. Aphrodisiac.....yes he is the amazing female libido stimulant. Able to enhance orgasms and heighten arousal simply by his presence, women line up to date him. They try to claw each others eyeballs out so they can say they were the last one to lay eyes on him. But wait......

He is SINGLE!

Oh yes, single and on the prowl. The universe's gift to women is indeed single.

I met Mr. Aphrodisiac about 4 years ago. We went to the movies, hung out a couple times. Unbeknownst to me, he was in some sort of pseudo-relationship with a girl who I didn't know at the time but I would soon meet.

It gets better....

We stop talking for whatever reason, I'd like to think I saw through his silly games (yes I'll stick with that story). A few weeks later, at a mutual friends house, I meet BK, Esquire and Puppylove. I don't remember how Mr. Aphrodisiac came into the conversation but we all determined that we had gone out with him (well Esquire didn't - she didn't fall prey to the orgasm enhancing pheromones, plus her BFF at the time Puppylove was MADLY in love with him). Major laughs at the expense of Puppylove, but hey - in our defense she only knew him for like 4 weeks and she was MADLY in love?

It gets even better.....

2 weekends ago started out as any other normal weekend. Girls night out. Guess who is at the bar? None other than Mr. Aphrodisiac in the flesh 4 years later.

Him: I know this sounds really corny, but I think I know you from somewhere?
Me: Um, maybe, you look kind of familiar
Conversation goes on, I determine that I DO in fact know Mr. Aphrodisiac and he's not some desperate loser using a corny pick up line at the bar on me – blah blah blah compliments blah blah blah – trying to get in my pants I suppose. We do end up talking for a bit, catching up. I give him shit about the game he ran on Puppylove. Not that I particularly care about him, I'm just somewhat bitter about the games men play in general (refer to opening blogs regarding relationSHITS).

So we exchange numbers - hey what’s the harm, an old friend, right? I personally don't want Mr. Aphrodisiac present day. Not my cup of tea. Apparently, that wasn’t the general consensus because the next day, I receive a picture message, I open it and to my surprise and its Mr. Aphrodisiac in ALL of his studly, nekkid, erect, gut-wrenching glory.

Was I turned on? - No. Was that supposed to make me want him? - I assume that was the intent? Was it supposed to make me stop dead in my tracks and drive straight over to Mr. Aphrodisiacs house and drop my panties before he had a chance to undo the dead bolt? In a perfect world with the right man - hmmmmmmmm NOT. I don't see that happening. "Mr. Right/Rite/Wright/Write" would never have to send me pictures of his stuff in an attempt to seal the deal. This wasn't necessarily a case of false advertising, simply advertising too much. If I gave a damn - there would be NO need for advertising - which ties into my statement about Mr. Right not having to do anything extra to seal the deal.

The picture message had me thinking though - maybe this is another area where men and women differ? I personally proof all pictures before they leave my possession. Not saying I send out nudie pics because I most certainly do not *send them out to people that I've known for less than 2 years*. A man will just snap and go, it's crazy! I don't think the sending nudie pictures etiquette is common knowledge?..........Fast forward to the NEXT weekend, I happen to run into Mr. Aphrodisiac at the bar AGAIN. Let's say I don't think I'll be hearing from him again any time soon.

Beauty and the Geek

Where I fit into the "Beauty and the Geek" remains to be seen.

Digression...

My new approach, looks and snazzy attire aren't everything. Through every experience I've had the more a man cares about how he looks, the better he smells and the more name brands he has, the worse he treats me. It's like Murphy's backwards ass law of relative dating fluff. WUT?! So I've changed my repertoire. So what if you buy your outfits at Costco, I don't give a damn. So what if you have a collection of Star Wars figurines, just make sure Chewbacca makes noise. So what if you get drunk off of a single Bartles and Jaymes Fuzzy Navel wine cooler, you're a cheap date - AWESOME.