...and one time at Band Camp

Ah yes - Making the move

2009-06-02T14:34:00.003-04:00

Because ~~I wanted to be a follower~~ I felt it was time for a change, I've taken the plunge and I've switched over to wordpress.

Join me

I have a Sex Tape?

2009-06-01T11:27:00.003-04:00

*Ring Ring*

Me: Hello
Unidentified Caller: I have a tape of you having sex
Me: Hello? What?
Unidentified Caller: I have a tape of you having sex
Me: What? Who is this?
Unidentified Caller: I can’t say, I just have you on tape having sex with someone.
Me: With who?
Unidentified Caller: I can’t tell you.
Me: I want to see it.
Unidentified Caller: Well I can’t give it to you over the phone. I can meet you somewhere.
Me: Where are you gonna meet me at? You know, you’re about a
DUMB ASS MUTHA FUCKER. You won’t tell me who you are, or who I’m with in my “sex tape” but you’re about to meet me somewhere?
Unidentified Caller: *CLICK*

I have a sex tape. I wonder if its VHS, Beta? Maybe he’ll put it on You Tube oh wait – it’s a TAPE (obviously not up to speed with digitizing things, otherwise, I would have gotten an email with my video, or a link to my uploaded sex clip – dumb ass didn’t think his little prank through. E40, your friends are WACK.)

I hope the camera angle does me justice.

Chugging a Diet Coke - who does that?

2009-05-31T16:51:00.005-04:00

Apparently the bartender at Baxters thought I did.

Yes I drink rum and diet coke. A refreshing alcoholic beverage with 1/2 the guilt. I'm not sure why Mr. Bartender thought that I was sucking diet coke super fast through the straw just for the hell of it. Who does that? Seriously. He asked me if I wanted another drink, I said yes, and slurpped what was remaining in my cup. He proceeded to refill my glass with JUST diet coke. I almost fell off my bar stool from the laughter.

Kindergarten Crush

2009-05-27T22:22:00.004-04:00

Funny how I remember this after all these years. This is crazy....DUDE I was smooth as shit back in Kindergarten!!

Jerome Encomienda - he had a little bowl hair cut and dimples. My first crush ever. Then there was David and my friend Marisol.

Jerome and his little friend David would chase Marisol and I around the big boxy jungle jim. Marisol and I would end up climbing all the way to the top and the boys would run circles around the jungle jim in the sand box like hungry wolves waiting for their prey to succumb and climb down. Alas, we never gave in. The bell would eventually ring, Jerome and David would run off into the hallway back to class and leave us sitting atop the jungle jim, victorious in the game of cat and mouse or wolf and prey....whatever it was.

In addition to the chasing, Jerome and David would pull our hair. In Kindergarten my mom always fixed my hair up into pigtails and added some sort of bow to make me look fly. Apparently , I was OCD back then too, because when these two little shits would chase us they would pull our pig tails resulting in hair bumps thus ruining the rest of my day. Back then I didn't have hair supplies readily available in my Strawberry Shortcake lunch box, much less know how to do my own hair. Why messed up hair bothered me in Kindergarten is a mystery. A result of my smoothness I'm sure.

I wonder what Jerome is doing now and if he still has that bowl hair cut.

Old News - Reminiscing a Bit

2009-05-26T15:39:00.006-04:00

It's natural to think of the past - I'm not dwelling on it anymore, and I've moved on. I bounce back pretty quick once I get the crap out of my system, but this thought was pretty funny to me about a guy I used to "date".

When he was trying to make me believe that the "other woman" meant nothing, and I went on about how I wanted more respect and chivalry and he wasn't cutting it, He had the audacity to say...

Hold on.....

He said that people don't date like I seem to think they do, this isn't the 1950's. Dating of yesteryear is long gone. In other words his idea of dating and what he has always done was go out drinking and/or hang out at home with a bottle and end the night with some mindless drunk fucking. He had me suckered for some time and I have to laugh at my stupidity. I also laugh at his ignorance and complete disregard for being chivalrous and his disrespect for women. I imagine a lot of men think that way (shit, I've come across 99% of them) because some guys are just naturally douche bags who truly believe that's what dating is. It is hard to find the good ones.

On that note, If I choose to end a date with mindless drunk fucking, I will, but only after I've been treated properly. Cheap rum, Coke and Blockbuster aren't doing it for me anymore. Raw fish and martinis are always a good way to start.

True Blood and Harper's Island

2009-05-25T13:07:00.000-04:00

Harper's Island - although it's only a short lived self contained "mini-series" (currently on episode 6), it's freaking AWESOME. 13 weeks, 25 suspects, 1 killer, and I cannot wait to find out who it is! I get sucked into the spoilers and message boards. Uber Geeky.

Far from reality TV, it's actually refreshing to see some scripted acting going on instead of the redundant "find me love", bickering, and fighting. These fucking "I want love" shows piss me the hell off. They are pointless! They always come back for more seasons. What gives them the luxury of having 2 or more seasons of 20+ eligible douche bags to choose from? Oh yes, money and ratings, but dammit, yes I get sucked the fuck in.

I digress

REAL T.V. i.e. Harper's Island. It's great. It actually takes me back to my childhood when the miniseries V was on. I loved it. I think that miniseries turned me Trekkie. 1984 science fiction at its best, and my panties bunched up once a week for that show! Alien lizards try to take over Earth - it gets me excited thinking about it. No correlation to Harper's Island at all other than the fact that it was a mini-series.

True Blood - On HBO (great series on a premium channel - BOO at having to pay extra, but so worth it!). Lost Boys was the first Vampire movie I can remember watching, I loved it. More because of my infatuation with the Corey's, never the less, Lost Boys started it. Long line of Vampire movies to follow; Interview with the Vampire, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Queen of the Damned, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Van Helsing, Fright Night, Blade (all of them), Underworld (both), Love at First Bite, From Dusk till Dawn, 30 days of Night, Twilight, Vampire in Brooklyn....those are only ones I've watched.

Anyway, True Blood brings Vampires mainstream. A company develops a synthetic blood drink, appropriately called "True Blood" with the purpose of allowing Vampires to "come out of the closet" and prove that humans don't have to fear them or fear for their lives since they can get all of their dietary needs fufilled from this synthetic blood and not them. Although about vampires, It really mirrors reality and everyday life - prejudice, ignorance, stereotyping - *deep*

Memorial Day Jump Off

2009-05-24T09:44:00.003-04:00

Dating. Yes I have been, and despite my natural instinct to nest with the first man who doesn't get on my nerves and has the ability to make me laugh, I have not done so....yet (and don't plan on it...yet). Yay Me. I'm going slow this time - not letting History repeat itself.

Friday night was Cherry Martini Memorial Day Weekend Jump off night. I don't mean jump off like a booty call, I mean jump off to the Memorial Day weekend. LCG came over with the martini ingredients and some cherries. I personally prefer maraschino cherries in my martinis, but he came over with some big ass seeded cherries to slam dunk, I mean slide, into the martinis. It was the thought that counts, I laughed my ass off. A for effort. I guess he doesn't drink cherry martinis often. Probably a good thing - he might be unknowingly ridiculed like pineapple cup was. I quickly forgot about the big ass seeded cherries though when he pulled out the roses - it was sweet and Fuck, I'm not used to this.

It was fun. Too bad Esq couldn't join in on the festivities. We polished off the cherry vodka and pomegranate schnapps (I didn't know that flavor existed!) and when we were done I sang a couple Metallica Songs on the XBOX because I RAWK.

Text Messaging

2009-05-21T12:55:00.003-04:00

Who says you can't have meaningful conversations via text? Certainly not I. In fact, I think I've done everything short of selling my soul to the Devil via text. Let's see.....I've:

voted on which case has the 10k in it on Deal or No Deal
sent text messages to the radio station giving them my "feedback"
given and received directions
arranged dates
ordered a drink at the bar
had text sex. HA - seriously it was one sided text sex. They send me pictures, I laugh hysterically and forward it to my friends
expressed feelings

It's so non-committal, you can't see my expression, I can judge your spelling and grammar and talk shit. I don't like having real conversations all the time, some people haven't perfected the art of phone conversation. Text me.

Spell Check is Yer Frend

2009-05-19T00:00:00.006-04:00

Another noteworthy profile. His message was coherent and included the proper punctuation but damn homie, why?

Very fisically fit...At first I thought "fiscally" fit and was somewhat impressed "yeah this guy is all about investing and being financially secure". Um no, I continued to read and figured out that Mr. "I make a mean face for my camera phone picture" just doesn't care to portray himself intelligently and couldn't give a damn about spell/grammar check. Maybe it's because he's 1/2 Irsih?

I like wine, I'm no expert. I drink wine out of the box, and screw top bottles - Fuck it, but I certainly know that Pinot "Gritio" is NOT spelled like that.

P.S. Dude - What is a small BARN fire? Are we gonna tip some of them cattle too? If we set a barn on fire, it might end up rather big...

My bone of contention is this - don't talk the big talk trying to impress all the fish in the sea and then spell shit wrong. It's contradictory and makes you look like a dumbass. Hopefully I don't look like a dumbass myself should there happen to be some alternate spelling that I don't know about. Hey, I spell check all my shit and for the record fisically is just wrong.

Road Rage

2009-05-18T15:02:00.006-04:00

I swear, when I think I've had it with missed connections, something like this makes it all worthwhile. Sure there have been a couple that I thought were for me. One practically SCREAMED my name, but I suppose the dumb ass who wrote it didn't anticipate a response and he got scared, someone was just fucking with me as I initially suspected or he just doesn't know how to check his email. Whatever.

I digress, this though, this is hilarious. I love passive aggressiveness when it's not directed at me or anyone care about.

I admit I sometimes drive aggressively, maybe to the point where I just might piss off other people on the road. I'll even go as far as to be pissed off at everyone else on the road because they're ALL in my way. Sure it's ass backwards, but they're hindering my progress. I need to get home and watch water boil or something and everyone is being so damn careful obeying the damn speed limit and stopping at red lights. Live a little, go 5MPH over the posted limit. I promise you won't get pulled over unless you're in Emporia.

Anyhow, I love this missed connection!

Reality Check Mate - Does everything happen for a Reason?

2009-05-17T18:00:00.007-04:00

Destiny - a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency.

I've always maintained that everything happens for a reason. Does everyone really have a predetermined course set? When I was born, was it in the stars that I would eventually join the military, have a child, get married (yes in that order) subsequently divorced and then end up dating a bunch of jerks? Who makes up these orders for Destiny anyway?

"Yes, this one, she will go through many failed relationships, finish school, be employed by a huge corporation and own 20 cats that can predict the weather"

Can we change our destiny? Does every decision we make have a hidden purpose no matter how random it is? If its predetermined, then the fixed sequence of events is inevitable and unchangeable. Does free will change destiny? Can individuals choose their own destiny by choosing different paths throughout life?

I is Educated

2009-05-16T11:47:00.000-04:00

It's time to register for more classes.
BLEEEEEEECH, meh.
I don't like school.

Bless the Women that give Pedicures

2009-05-15T17:13:00.006-04:00

I sure as hell could not sit there and massage the feet of a nasty woman (or man for that matter) every day. HELL no. Clipping their toenails, sanding rough spots *barf*. I'm not sure if I can think of a worse job right now. Ew.

and another Thank You......

2009-05-14T09:16:00.006-04:00

....To LCG for the Birthday Flowers.....
I feel so speeeeeeshul.

Birthday Happy Hour at the Chop House

2009-05-13T15:23:00.008-04:00

A couple Beers; the brand is Jomo, pronounced HOMO (I kid you not), a small dish of whipped cream, Amsterdam boys and a shot of Bacardi.

The whipped cream was curious. I dug around the dish for something solid, cake maybe? ice cream. No, it was just a small dish of whipped cream. I'm not sure whether I was supposed to eat it or take my shirt off and rub it on my nipples.

I keed, I keed......

I was with a couple co-workers so I obviously did not voice this thought, because well, I don't want to tarnish my work image. One coworker, I'll call him Indiana Jones, made a comment about the whipped cream and being more flexible *insert pause here*.......It worked out that he made the lewd comment instead of me. AHA!!! But I thought it Mr. Jones!!!! Maybe I uttered the words under my breath, OK yeah I did......Yes, I thought the words about smearing whipped cream all over me out loud (out loud but under my breath) - L.B. (other coworker) heard me. I was caught. DAMN IT.

There is a very cute bartender too, all these bartenders, so little time. I refrained from unleashing my smoothness on him. He'd fall victim to my game. I'll take it easy on Bartenderoni II but only because he's engaged and has a kid etc so on and so forth.

Thank You!!!!!!.....

2009-05-13T14:17:00.004-04:00

.....for the Birthday Tulips Secret Admirer.....

Happy Birthday to Me

2009-05-13T00:10:00.001-04:00

Today marks the day some unspoken number of years ago that I was spit out from between my mother's legs. To commemorate this joyous day, I will take a look at a few things about this date that make me who I am.

My Birth number:
My birth number is 4. We are sensible and traditional, we like order and routine. We only act when we fully understand what we are expected to do. We like getting our hands dirty and working hard. We are attracted to the outdoors and feel an affinity with nature. We are prepared to wait and can be stubborn and persistent. We (I)should learn to be more flexible and to be nice to (myself)themselves

My sign:
Taurus - The Bull. Bulls are noted for determination. We get to where we are going, not because we are exceptionally fast or clever, but because we will not be distracted from our goals. Our need for stability and simplicity can motivate us to create a life for ourselves that is quite functional, though it might seem boring to someone else. But we aren't interested in taking unnecessary risks that can put our solid footing in jeopardy.

Our motto might be "Take care of the senses and everything else will take care of itself." It may be that our attraction to material things is less about the objects themselves than it is about the pleasure they bring to our senses. Comfortable living and working space is important to us, along with nice linens, clothing, food and music. And, as one of the most practical signs, our outlook on life is usually quite sensible. As we plod along in life, getting what you need in order to survive, don't forget to look at the beauty that is beyond the material world of material possessions.

The Badgers Method of Getting Laid for the Extremely Pathetic

2009-05-11T15:21:00.008-04:00

This is a special treat: spotlight on the Badger. If you recall the Naked Man, this is reminiscent of that scenario. The Badger, something like a super hero in his own right, and I go way back. I've seen him in action on a couple occasions, but have heard the stories more times than I can count. His swagger is none to be reckoned with. With that said, I give you:

The Badgers Method of Getting Laid for the Extremely Pathetic:

There are three main scoring methods:

1-First, the tried and true badger method. This requires extreme patience on my part (kind of like what bastard Riki Tiki Tavi has to do with the poor cobra...you know wait for a mistake). This method has a 25% success rate.

2-Method two requires letting them drink me pretty. I stay in pretty decent shape so the muffin ass wears them down after a while. They just have to get past the mug. After a good six-pack I see them weakening. I then swoop in with my "charming banter and endless supply of jokes and one-liners". This method has a 75% success rate with fat chicks and even higher with the generally hideous.

3-The last method I use is the "find a flaw" method. I look for girls with pirate hooks, cross-eyes, midgets (oh sorry...little people), and those with defects such as cleft lips and goiters. I then stare at the problem area for large amounts while conversing with them. They feel so self conscious that the badger gets some ass about 33% of the time. If these methods don't work, I resort to extreme bouts of crying to or rocking back and forth in the fetal position. This helps me land the occasional bleeding heart or PETA member.

Cherries in my Drink

2009-05-09T09:01:00.005-04:00

...but not in Esq's. It's become a known fact that if you put anything sweet in Esq's drinks she will spit.

Our bartender is awesome. He hooks us up like no other, even more than Johnny blue eyes at the Disney Hotel - and I thought he was good. Last night, in an effort to avoid dried spit along the side of my car, Bartender skips the cherries for Esq because we both say in unison as he sets our drinks down:

"Sweet things make her spit"

He looks at us innocently and asks:

"If sweet makes you spit does salty make you swallow?"

**As a side note, I had to totally apologize to Bartenderoni. He was working and I felt like a complete idiot after slamming my business card down like the High Joker the other day at lunch.. I'm sure he had some sort of flashback as well.

Thought O' the Day

2009-05-07T12:22:00.003-04:00

Cinco de Mayo

2009-05-05T22:03:00.009-04:00

May 5 - Cinco de Mayo - Observed in the United States and other locations around the world as a celebration of Mexican heritage and pride (not to be confused with Mexican Independence Day September 16th).

On a side note: Today is my nephews Birthday - I have to give him a shout out, I mean, I am his favorite Aunt - I'm extremely smooth, right? Happy Birthday Nephew - I love you!

All I know is that growing up in Southern California, 7 miles from the border, in addition to spending a large portion of my junior and senior years of High School in Tijuana partying it up at club XS and on Revolucion, for me, Cinco de Mayo is a reason to drink heavily and act a fool.

Anyhow, I'll celebrate tomorrow. Strawberry Margaritas in really big, gay looking plastic over sized martini tumblers. Awesomeness.

Smooth Like the Buttocks of A Newborn Baby

2009-05-04T15:25:00.006-04:00

Because my game is extra tight, I feel obligated to share this story because as we all know, there are always three versions: Her version, My version and the TROOF.

So it goes like this. Esq and I had lunch at our favorite Happy Hour Sports Bar & Grill - last minute decision. I normally go out for lunch anyway (If I'm lucky it's on someone elses tab...I keed I totally keed, you'll realize when I get to the part about how tight my game is that I am truly kidding), so I decided to throw out the spot as an option to see if Esq was up for it. Cool, and we go.

We walk in and sit down, one of the bartenders that we hadn't seen in a few weeks was working. He was running around sweating like nobody's business, poor thing. There were a handful of people sitting around the bar when we sat down, they all looked like they were finishing up. A couple minutes later Esq and I look up and everyone is gone. Bartender walks by and the exchange goes a lil something like this:

Bartenderoni: Is it just me or is it hot as hell in here?
Me: I don't know why you're so hot, there's nobody here but us two *Esq and I look all around the bar noting that it is empty and we are the only two sitting there*
Bartenderoni: I did this all by myself *as he looks around at all the empty plates and glasses*
Me: You're still working way too hard.

I mean damn, see how tight my game is?

Esq and I finish eating and pay our tabs. In the course of the convo over lunch, Esq asks me if I think Bartenderoni is cute. Yes, I would say so. I think to myself how I am going to SMOOTHLY slip him my number - because I am smooth as shit.

I pay my bill, sign, leave a tip and then right before we walk out, I SLAM my business card on the bar like it was the high joker in a game of spades. Fucking shit my game is tight. So, if I didn't scare him off with the slamming of the card onto the bar, he might call me. I say I have a 2% chance.

Hot Dog on a Stick

2009-05-04T11:42:00.030-04:00

If you've never heard of Hot Dog on a Stick, it's a little mall franchise fast food place that serves...

wait for it, this is exciting...

a Hot Dog on a Stick

or for those that like variety and to test societal norms...

a Cheese Stick

The point of this is not to focus on the processed pork products, it's the underlying theme of decision making.

For the past few Friday's Esq and I have been frequenting Roger Brown's, and every Friday a menu is placed in front of us, and every Friday we look at the menu, and every Friday the same thing is ordered. So why do we sit there and look at the menu knowing that we're going to end up with the same damn thing in front of us in the end?

Imagine going to Hot Dog on a Stick with a whopping 2 choices on the menu:

Can I help you?

Oh gosh this is a really tough decision. Did you guys change the menu? I don't remember this many choices last time I was here.

No, nothing has changed. Same old hot dog on a stick and cheese stick that we've been making since 1946

Ok, well what kind of sauces do you have?

Ketchup and Mustard...JUST like last time.

Hmmmm, is the cheese stick pretty good with mustard?

*Blank Stare*

Wow, I'm just not sure. Hmmmmm, Ok, let me go ahead and try that hot dog on a stick you got there. It's pretty good right?

Mother fucker knew damn well when he walked up to the joint that he was gonna walk away with a gat dayum hot dog on a stick. Was all that really necessary?

True Playerz 4 Realz

2009-05-03T21:03:00.022-04:00

A little background on the playerz: RT texts all the time. It's the text version of a person who runs their mouth nonstop because they like the sound of their voice and feel the need to share their voice with everyone in the vicinity. He sends messages to BK and I simultaneously. It's ridiculous. The funniest thing is that I never gave this guy my phone number. I never gave either guy my phone number. Only E40 had my phone number. RT and Thuggish supposedly took it upon themselves to "retrieve" my contact information from E40's phone. I think its all a big fucking junior high game to them. They're playing pass the number to see if one of them might possibly be charming enough to get some ass. I'm too old for this crap, and have more important shit to do than entertain gibberish in the form of text messages from dudes I never gave my number to ( I do have to add this disclaimer though - Thuggish is cute. Had he not been feeding my friend skrimps at the BBQ or trying to get with both my girls and had I met him under different circumstances and if he didn't have a criminal record......HA! ok nevermind)

WTF...

So, this has been going on since my trip to Florida. Text messages from RT that is, I rarely respond. When I do, its "Why are you texting me" "Isn't that kind of fucked up that you took my number from your boy" type shit.

Well - Thuggish throws himself in the mix. His texting style is suspiciously similar to RT's, and all of their texts come minutes apart.

Thuggish April 30 @ 6:13pm - Anyways I was jus textin to c how u and the girls were doin. E40 said yall dnt speak as much..I called him stupid n took ya number! Hope u dnt mind..

RT May 1 @ 4:50PM - Im sorry i wantd u 4 myself. And that i stole ya num from E40 phone. I hope u r wel and i jus wantd 2 chil w u and thot E40 was not goin 2 b ya type

RT May 1 @ 5:08PM - Tmobile boo. Lol. Yes its RT. No e. Do u accept my apology. I didnt hear from u n 4eva. Were u mad at me? And i have only 2 numbas.

Thuggish May 1 @ 5:15PM - Yeah im sure..I jus got off, wat u up to

RT May 1 @ 5:19PM - So how r u tho

RT May 1 @ 5:23PM - Naw. that was thuggish textn u. And y u thnk i b frontn. I was feeln u. neva frontd. But if thats how u feel. that hurts my feelns a lil

Thuggish May 1 @ 5:25PM - This is my number, ma..has anybody seen the beyonce movie?

Thuggish May 1 @ 5:30PM - Who u wit?..I gotta tke shower, told u I jus got off n I gotta drop RT off at ja by 630..u gonna have to guide me there cuz I dnt know the area..u already there.

Thuggish May 1 @ 5:30PM - if not we can ride together..want somethin to do tonite!

RT May 1 @ 5:31PM - She neva hitz me bak. Kinda like u. So thats y u said i b frontn. Wel aparantly u feeln my boi so ima fall bak. Have fun at roga browns.

Thuggish May 1 @ 5:36PM - Bout to walk-in now..I b ready to hook up afterwards tho..

RT May 3 @ 4:03PM - U mus be scared 2 talk 2 me. Y is that. Cus im real?

RT May 3 @ 6:55PM - Y on earth do u thnk i play games. I truly likd ur style and knew who realy plays games and a whole lota otha shit. Thats y i even wantd 2 talk 2 u. I th

RT May 3 @ 6:55PM - ot u and i wud bond prety gd. And BK is kool. But i was likn u. Am i wrong 4 that. Im grown. Dont play games. We were al supose 2 b friends. Its not li

RT May 3 @ 6:55PM - ke BK and i were talkn. Sory u feel that way. And y dont u and E40 talk n e more

RT May 3 @ 7:29PM - That was a mouthful

RT May 3 @ 8:34PM - I feel so stupid

Turns out that Friday night, all these fuckers are in the same car, texting this ridiculous shit to BK and I. (BK wasn't with us. Esq and I were at Happy Hour.) It's FUCKING STUPID and they wonder why we don't entertain their bull shit.

When Fantasy Trumps Reality

2009-05-02T13:19:00.003-04:00

There is nothing better than a little game of cat and mouse across the bar with a guy, especially when the he has a chick sitting next to him. That's a compliment, right? There are certainly no expectations, not trying to move in on another girls man. It's innocent flirting. The dude had to go and ruin it though. Why did he have to say something and ruin the fantasy after his girl left?

True Story, this really happened at happy hour and Esq told the guy: "Dude don't talk to me, it was better when we were flirting across the bar"

I wanted to roll around on the dirty ass bar floor and laugh myself to tears, it was hilarious.

One Hundred

2009-05-01T13:05:00.001-04:00

One hundred posts. w00t.

It appears that this is a tradition in blog-land to commemorate the 100th post. Sure I'll jump in and play along. Coincidentally, my 100th blog post parallels a couple other noteworthy events:

Obamas first 100 days in office.
Happy Hour starting at 3:30pm. Love in my drinks in T-minus 150 minutes.
May Day

Exciting

Chicks Dig Run-on-Sentences

2009-04-30T21:34:00.017-04:00

Wut!!??

I don't usually do this with my personal messages (Since I've discovered Date Wrecks, I get my fix of craziness there) I normally just call out randoms on Craigslist to maintain some sort of impersonality, but I couldn't resist this one:

and it says...

Seen your picture and felt your energy is that you often if so hope we can chat by the way im anthony

He seen my picture and felt my energy is that me often - Is he asking if I'm always that energetic in my pictures? Is that me often, often energetic? Wow, just wow. Complete run on sentence. Maybe he was mobile, I'll excuse the capitalization, but the punctuation, a couple extra button presses to put a period or a question mark in there so I could decipher the cryptic one liner, that was all. Yeah, I say fail.

But wait...

I go to his profile...

Turns out he's an Educator with a Masters Degree.

There is NO excuse for this, NONE.

Another Date Anotha Dolla

2009-04-30T19:06:00.016-04:00

Last night I hung out with Dr. Noah again...

Prior to last night, i.e. yesterday afternoon - we had lunch. I like this guy. At lunch he showed up in his collared shirt, slacks, fresh hair cut and glasses. It was way cute!!!!!!. I kinda wanted to jump his bones in the restaurant, but I showed incredible restraint. yay me.

On a side note, I'm going to start calling him LCG, because that's the nickname that my friends and I have for him - inside thing we have about "Larry the Cable Guy". He looks and acts nothing like Larry the Cable Guy though. Much like E40 looks and acts nothing like E40. He reminds me more of Josh Hopkins A.K.A. Dr. Noah from Private Practice, I'm sure Esq will beg to differ, I shall await her response.
Anyhow....back to last night.....

I made dinner, and LCG brought over some scary movies. We ate dinner, drank a couple cervesas, watched movies and then played a couple rounds of guitar hero. My kinda man. Took me to lunch, laughed with me, drank some beers with me, watched movies with me, ate my food and didn't complain (I keed, I can cook), and played video games with me.

MySpace

2009-04-29T10:09:00.004-04:00

I took the plunge - I deleted my space. HA...I mean, I deleted my MySpace. It was getting old, played out, juvenile. I've had it for so long and really I have no business as an established, career oriented, put together woman being on MySpace. In all honesty, getting rid of my space frees up time for XBOX live, facebook and blogging *blink*. I keed, I keed. I really am a grown ass woman, just have an inner child. I SWEAR.

My Missed Connection

2009-04-28T00:54:00.008-04:00

My missed connection was a crock of shit. Yeah I responded to it - why the hell not? Funny thing is, 2 days later the Craigslist murders story was all over the news:

Ohhhh..Mmmm..Geeee

I'm somewhat relieved that I didn't get a response. I've had my eye out for some creepy dude watching me in the mornings at my sons school though. Still somewhat optimistic, I'm hoping there is some hot single, sane father lurking somewhere in the vicinity.

Miami is Nice, so I'll say it.....THRICE

2009-04-27T15:53:00.008-04:00

Miami, Miami, Miiiiaaaaaaammmmmmmiiiiiii

A Guilty Pleasure of mine is the Golden Girls, YES, the Golden Girls. I love Rose. She reminds me of myself. Telling stories that make no sense. Rambling on about things that nobody understands. Talking about people and friends back home that may or may not exist.

I digress, this isn't about Rose...

Esq sent me a text this morning when she heard that "Dorothy", Bea Arthur, passed away this weekend. She will surely be missed, but on the same token, I think it's safe to say that she lived a good long life. We can look forward to a wonderful Golden Girls marathon so I have to make sure to check my listings and DVR them joints.

Indecisive Ass

2009-04-25T22:02:00.009-04:00

I don't think I've ever met anyone more indecisive than me when it comes to men. One day they can be the bees knees and the next minute, I'm over it. I don't know why that happens because I'm all about routine and consistency. I eat a Mexican hot pocket every day without a second thought, but certain men, I analyze and over think and it's just...ugh.

Yes, I get annoyed easily. There are actually a few questions that I ask myself to determine whether there is any long term potential:

Does the fucker get on my nerves?
Does he drink out of a pineapple cup?
Does he have more than 300 myspace friends?

Rum-n-Diet Coke "with love"

2009-04-24T22:54:00.006-04:00

Love = Cherries

they look like hearts floating around the bottom of my drink

YUM

Friday after work, Happy Hour at Roger Brown's, our Bartender (he has become our bartender because on our 2nd visit he knew our drinks - so we heart him) decided to start throwing some love in our drinks. I thought he just wanted to see us tie the cherry stems in knots in our mouths *blank stare* but no, it was just a gesture of amore. It's such a shame that sweet things make Esq spit. The Love in her glass resulted in a stream of spit dried along the passenger side of my car. I'm sure she doesn't remember, but it was disgustingly hilarious.

Roger Brown's after work on Fridays - good times.

8 Things

2009-04-23T10:11:00.009-04:00

(borrowed from one of the blogs I just found to stalk - it's great, Delightfully Inappropriate - Like me)

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:

Enjoying the summer
Riding my motorcycle more
Never working again, i.e. via retirement or winning copius amounts of money
Travelling around the world (dependent on the copius amounts of money)
Friday night Happy Hour at Roger Brown's
Visiting my brother and fam again.....I miss them and my baby nephew's are turning into men too fast. Yeah ok, they're about to graduate from high school.
Getting my spare bedroom painted and furnished.
Going to sleep early tonight - I can't get in bed before 1am for the life of me.

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

Played Guitar Hero
Brushed my teef
Watched TV (refer to list of 8 shows that I watch)
Worked
Surfed craigslist missed connections
Shopped
Text messaged Dr. Noah
Made plans with Dr. Noah

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

Win the lottery
Fly
Sing
Make calorie free fried chicken, matter of fact, I wish I could make calorie free food PERIOD. DAMN, I'd be rich. Fuck a Xenadrine pill.
Work on my own car - I can't tell you how many times I've been screwed over by auto shops.
Repair shit around my house. I suck at being a handy man.
Keep plants alive.
Run 3 miles in 11 minutes.

8 Shows I Watch:

The Office
Lost
Heroes
Samantha Who
Nip/Tuck
True Blood
How I met your Mother
Iron Chef

People really DO use Missed Connections, and now I has one!

2009-04-22T21:31:00.004-04:00

Unless someone I know is fucking with me, which is highly probable, since they all know of my craigslist obsession. For now though, lets roll with the assumption that some, available, single man really did notice me:

So, let's break this down to reasons why I believe this is for me:

I am pretty *blink*
I have black hair.
I drop off my kid at said school every morning.
I do check my mirror religiously, although not for my hair. I have this obsession with checking to make sure I don't have boogers in my nose, eye crust, and/or junk in my teeth.
I drive said type of car.

We shall see...

The way to a mans heart

2009-04-22T14:53:00.001-04:00

I have it down to a science:

Beer/Foodz/Sports/Sex

Not necessarily in that order.

Thought O' the Day

2009-04-21T15:34:00.002-04:00

Real men eat raw fish and use chopsticks.

I have something important to tell you

2009-04-20T13:20:00.003-04:00

I've been trying to call you and text you all day, I have something VERY important to tell you!

I don't understand this...

WHY, if there is something SO important, do I get 20 "Hey" and "what's up" texts and maybe a few calls in between, to all of which I do not respond. Then, about the 20th text, I am told that I am cold blooded because I have not, in fact, responded and I am missing out on some important information that said person has been trying to relay to me over the course of the last 20 "hey" and "what's up" text messages.

What?

If there was something that important that I had to know - YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME 19 TEXT MESSAGES AGO.

Good Woman where are you?

2009-04-19T15:28:00.007-04:00

He still hasn't found what he's looking for

I now dub thee as
"The head shot phenomenon"

If it quacks like a date

2009-04-19T11:24:00.006-04:00

I don't like to admit that the things I go on with people of the opposite sex are actually dates, but I suppose the reality is that they are, in fact, dates. Whatever.

Meeting #3: Dr. Noah - Awesome.

Adventures in the Mother Hood

2009-04-18T12:25:00.006-04:00

One thing I haven't talked about are my (mis)adventures in the mother hood. Being a single mother has it's ups and downs, but being a single mother with an 8 year old boy who thinks he knows everything and is somewhat sensitive, trying to find the man of my dreams, and keeping those worlds from colliding - OH BOY.

Let's all thank the man upstairs for my quick wit and amazing sense of humor *blink*

I'm not sure why Esq finds hilarity in my suffering, but reading her recollection of events, I have to admit, is actually HILARIOUS.

My child stinks conversation
B: I stink you said I stink
Me: no I said you've been running around playing in the grass yeah you smell bad
B gets mad and storms upstairs
Me: damn am I not allowed to tell my child he doesn't smell right?! If he stinks he stinks!

The Hide and Seek Conversation
Me: B, I can hear you!
B: but you can't see Me!
Me: but I can hear you!
B: so where am I?
Me and Esq: behind the table!
B: whatever I'm going upstairs!

Still Wookin Pa Nub

2009-04-17T10:36:00.007-04:00

I'm not sure if I even have words for this.

After the picture in ad #1 at the bar with the wife-beater he was feeling really fly, so he went home and took another picture (in the same exact pose, with the same exact expression). What can I say, he's always on the go, eh. We have an upgrade though, he likes to watch movies, so he added the picture standing by his television to reiterate that statement.....wearing his raincoat.

Oriental is a Rug

2009-04-16T14:07:00.004-04:00

During my trip to the Happiest Place on Earth, I was lucky enough to find the hotel bar. At first I was upset because the sign said that there was a 2 drink limit. First thing that crossed my mind was Chuck-E-Cheese 2 drink per person limit. Understandable being a family type setting, they can't have people stripping and dancing on tables, however very disappointing after a long day of walking, line Nazi's, crowds etc.....Anyway, I ask Johnny the Colombian bartender with blue eyes (cute) about said rule, and he breaks it down that the rule means you can't carry more then 2 drinks away from the bar at a time......Ahhhhh, YES, so I park at the bar and end up chatting it up with Johnny blue eyes for most of the night.

Next day, one of the ladies that had been there that night was working, I proceeded to get a beer and she asked me if Johnny blue eyes had gotten my number because he claimed he was slick like that. I said no and she laughed. I sure would have given it up had he asked. He was good looking and hooking the drinks up for the amazing discount price. His comment apparently was, I love her eyes, I wonder if she's oriental? To which the other lady working responded:

"Johnny, oriental is a rug"

I made it a point to hang at the bar the next night and chat it up with Johnny blue eyes. I was telling my friends about him and how cute he was and my fear that he was short. Esq's response:

"I think all Colombians may be fun sized"

Happy Easter - I'm going to Florida :)

2009-04-12T12:50:00.001-04:00

I've been deprived

2009-04-09T13:43:00.005-04:00

I've come to the realization that I've been seriously taken for granted when it comes to men. It's really sad. After the dumbass that thought I would sit around and take his shit forever, I went out a few times with a really nice guy (so what if he drank out of a pineapple cup). My standards have been really low for some years now (OK my whole life). I've been trying to go out with men that actually give a damn and it's kind of working a bit. My friends look at me sideways when I get excited about being treated the way I should be treated. Oh well, it's new and exciting - and I'm easy to please.

The "Q"

2009-04-08T15:37:00.016-04:00

I was supposed to get together with E40 and do something anyway and since he was bragging on his cooking skills, I figured I would round up the girls and have a cook out. I also figured it was a good way to get people over to play guitar hero with me. E40 got a couple of his friends and BK and Esq came over.

The plan was for E40 to come with supplies in hand.....you know meatz, beerz, and such. He showed up with his 2 boys: Thuggish Ruggish and Ralph Tresvant oh and some beerz. Cool - no problem, we all sat around and BS'd for a bit, got in a game of Wii bowling - I kicked ass by the way.

Time to fire up the grill...

E40 and Tresvant head to the store to get the supplies. BK, Esq and Thuggish start playing a drinking game "Never have I ever". You know the one where you make a statement and if you've done it you take a drink......Very Interesting.....It went something like this:

Never have I ever carved initials into someones back
BK takes a drink, Thuggish Ruggish *blank stare* then *blink*. I think he was taken aback by that revelation as it was completely contradictory to her innocent demeanor.
Never have I ever been to jail
BK and Thuggish take drinks

Thuggish, out of beer, goes to grab another. Of course we're wondering what he was locked up for.....

Never have I ever committed armed robbery
BINGO BANGO BONGO.......Thuggish drinks and says "That was cute"

The game continues and at some point, something is said that is so asinine (no pun intended) that I am the only one that Never have I ever. I end laughing so hard that I spew red wine out my nostrils and all over my forehead and shades. It was really cute, no really it was.

One of the major underlying events that we cannot overlook is the blatant violation of the "girl rule", not by the girls, but by the oblivious "how fast can I get in some pants" Tresvant and Thuggish. I don't know about other females, but you can't cross flirt with us - It's rather insulting to flirt with my girl and when she turns you down, move on to me. I mean damn, if I wasn't your first choice, kiss my ass. Now, being that they came with E40 saved them. That and the fact that they were pretty entertaining and from what we could tell, good people, besides being typical men -> "fast", we just brushed it off and carried on with the spades, guitar hero and beerz.

Good times.

Thought O' the Day

2009-04-07T11:54:00.003-04:00

Fish is the only food that begins to smell more like itself when it goes bad. Other foods don't smell like themselves: "Damn this chicken is old as hell, it smells like.....chicken." NOT

It's SPRING BREAK BITCHES.....

2009-04-06T10:42:00.020-04:00

Another Friday - another non-committal drink meet up. Why not? IT'S SPRING BREAK BITCHES, and I'm a free woman for the next 7ish days.

Roger Browns, quickly becoming a favorite "meet me for a drink" spot. Being that this was the 2nd time in my life that I had ever been here for Happy Hour, I was flabbergasted when the bartender knew what I wanted to drink. Damn, I only had 3 or 7 drinks last time, and he wasn't even the one who served me - what's up with that? Of course Esq. found it extremely amusing that the whole damn bar knew what I was drinking.

So we chit chat about who I'm supposed to be meeting. We're sitting at the bar, I, of course, have my back to the door. Esq. stares intently at the front of the establishment checking out every man that walks in. "Is that him?". "Oh that one looks like Turtle from Entourage" , then she laughs as he walks by. My reply? "Oh, I hope that's not him". In walks the king himself. ELVIS. Only because he's from Memphis and has a country boy accent. It's cute though and he's a really nice guy.

The next day: McFadden's and Dreamy Dr. Noah. I decided to ask Dr. Noah if he had some time to meet me for a drink. We were supposed to meet up during the week, but I had issues with my car and wasn't able to drive anywhere outside of a 5 mile radius of my home. He agrees. 30 minutes later, I'm in McFadden's sitting at the bar. 2 drinks later, this cute little Irish guy starts chatting it up with me. "Can I buy you a drink lady?"........to which I reply "But of course". 1/2 way into my free drink and conversation with my own personal leprechaun, Dr. Noah shows up. YUMMY. I do feel bad that I completely turn my back on Mr. Ireland and divert all of my attention to Dr. Noah. I had no choice though, I was there to meet him, right? Super YUM. He says he'd like to take me out for sushi sometime very soon. I'm staring at my phone Dr. Noah. CALL ALREADY.

Blind Dates...

2009-04-02T13:34:00.003-04:00

I tend to shy away from utilizing the word date or any semblance of the word date when it comes to meeting someone new in a bar/Happy Hour situation because, well, I don't go expecting the guy to pick up my tab. What if he's a snap dragon and I have to casually slip out through the kitchen? For all intents and purposes, it is not a date.

I digress....

Blind Meeting #1 - E40 (not sure how exactly that came about, but I'll roll with it) and I were actually supposed to meet a couple weeks ago. It should have gone like this: I get off work, E40 gets off work, we go to our homes, freshen up, meet up at the bar, drink and be merry until 5:15.....Hmmmm, didn't quite happen as anticipated. I suppose E40 decided that due to the strenuous work day, he needed to take a power nap at 2:30 in the afternoon knowing that we would be meeting up in about an hour. It wasn't set to be a long meeting either, just a couple drinks. I had other obligations for the evening. Needless to say, the 5.5 minute power nap turned into a Rip Van Winkle sleep-a-thon. He called that night and for the rest of the weekend, I duly ignored his calls. Can you blame me?

Blind Meeting #1 (part duex) - The next Friday, let's try again. Why not. He did a good job being persistently apologetic about his Rip Van Winkle-ism. Same plan, same place, same time. After a few drinks, and quite a few laughs, turns out that E40 is not so bad after all.

Speed Dating: Part Deux (potentially)

2009-03-30T11:50:00.006-04:00

There's another speed dating event coming up in April. Now, I'm a skeptic about these types of things, yet vaguely optimistic. 25 - 4 minute-ish dates in about 2 hours. Somewhat different than the last 8 - 5 minute dates, and this time it's FREE!

I'm only going to go if BK goes with me though. I refuse to do it alone.

Regardless, I am going to prepare some questions.

"How much money do you make?"

I keed.

Missed Connections - The Social Experiment

2009-03-29T12:36:00.008-04:00

Back in November when my obsession with craigslist was beginning, I decided that I wanted to see if the missed connection crap really worked or if all the bullshit was just that...bullshit. Do people really read and respond? Point is, every where I went I had my eye out for someone that I could conjure up a missed connection post for and in turn hope that he was a missed connection reader like me.

One day I went to lunch with Mr. Right (who actually turned into Mr. Flaky) , a couple police men came in to eat. I couldn't help but notice one of them, He was just.....ummmm hot. The whole time Mr. Right is talking to me I'm plotting my missed connection post. Short and sweet:

A few nights later, I get an email "I think I'm the person you're looking for"

HOLY SHIT, It works!

Turns out his friend is a reader and told him about the post.

We chatted it up, IMs, text messages. I made it a point to ask if he had a wife or a girlfriend (not trying to be #2). He said he was single and has maintained that he is single and just casually dating but for the past 5 months I have yet to see or hear from this man outside of his working hours.

Exercise in woman's intuition - Trust it.

Someone that knows him has let me know Mr. Serve and Protect is in fact married.

Missed Connections - Success
Honest Man - Fail

The Italian Stallion

2009-03-28T12:56:00.019-04:00

This stood out to me because he describes himself as being blessed and cursed "at da same tyme". He's obviously bragging on his goods, but I'm DYING to know how he will respond sooooo, I have to "jus ask" him:

"sometime's its a blessing, sometime's its a curse".

*aside* - "sometimes" has an apostrophe "s" in it?

Bottom line, to the Italian Stallion, being well endowed boils down to this -> "sometime is it is a blessing and sometime is it is a curse"

Cell Phone outgoing Voice Mail Messages

2009-03-27T14:29:00.008-04:00

For many people the cell phone is the only form of communication as we've opted to decline land lines to save money. It's legitimate - I mean why the hell not, long distance is included, we can text, email, browse the interwebz...so on and so forth. I call cell phones almost every day, sometimes I get an answer, other times I get the voice mail.

"Sorry I can't come to the phone right now" or "I'm not home at the moment"

Fucker, you know damn well the phone is on your person and you can't come to the phone? IT'S IN YOUR POCKET!!!

And you're not home at the moment? Well for the most part that's probably a true statement, I'm calling your MOBILE PHONE!!!

Bang Bang in my Dryer

2009-03-26T20:08:00.006-04:00

Normally I put a load of clothes in the dryer before I turn in for the night so I have a clean pair of underwear in the morning to slide over my butt cheeks after I shower and because the dryer is on the way to my bedroom. Well, the other day, I go through the motions, get upstairs, get settled and notice:

BANG....BANG....BANG.....BANG.....

WTF? I didn't wash any sneakers. I sit for a few minutes thinking its jeans that got bunched up, because I did wash those, and a few more spins will un-bunch them and the BANG BANG will stop. No such luck.

Investigation time. It's midnight thirty, and I'm removing wet clothing, one piece at a time from the dryer to determine the culprit. Hmmmm, it's not the clothes genius, I say to myself. I do some research because I'm kinda nerdy like that. Apparently something is wrong with the drum or band causing the BANG BANG.

Long story short, I schedule an appointment with Sears for a dryer service call to fix my BANG BANG. They give me a window of 8am to 5pm. I guess they expect me to sit home all day and wait for Mr. Maytag to come rolling up with his wrench to stop the BANG BANG. It's not like I have to go to work or anything to earn money to pay for the repairs.

EDIT: It wasn't the drum or band. The repairman came out and I paid 60 dollars for the service call. He explained that the 60 included investigating what the problem was. If I should choose to have repairs once the problem was identified it could be up to 120 (possibly more).....and no I don't have the equipment coverage (this all would have been covered if I did have the coverage plan). Turns out a penny got lodged in the drum area causing the obnoxious noise. It came loose when repairman was trying to identify the problem, thus correcting the issue. Needless to say, my washer/dryer is going on 2 years old now. I opted for the coverage plan so if the shit does poop out on me, I don't have to pay for service calls - It's covered! Especially considering the age of the set and what I learned from the research I did, well the band might snap. They can come out and fix it for me and I don't have to worry about cost, its covered.

Thought O' the Day

2009-03-24T08:49:00.008-04:00

The right thing to do is usually the hardest.

To twit or not to twit....

2009-03-23T14:23:00.006-04:00

Because I twitter, does that make me a twit? Well, I web log, so by default, that makes me a blogger. I my-space -> that makes me a my-spacer? If I have nuts on my chin....

Wrong direction......

Back to twitting -> So I was asked today if I was a twitter, yes I twit. Why do I twit? I have no fucking clue. It's such a pointless thing to do. The other day I was driving across the MMBT and it was a GORGEOUS day, I mean crystal blue water, sun was shining....just the perfect day. I thought to myself "I want to twitter this"....I have no idea who would care, because I sure as hell don't give a damn about anyone else's twits, but I still do it for NO damn reason. Yes indeed. It's such a self indulgent *LOOK AT ME*, ridiculous thing to do...........

I am a twit.

More from Craigslist

2009-03-22T10:46:00.005-04:00

Which one of these photos is not like the other......

Change outfit and background (that screams creativity) add random body part to mix it up (proves diversity) and VOILA!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry Ladies...

2009-03-21T11:34:00.002-04:00

Mr. Aphrodisiac has informed me *via text* that he is leaving the country. Duty calls - he must go to Japan. Unfortunately, I didn't get a going away nudie picture to entice me to his doorstep to say goodbye.

*sigh*

Fair Winds and Following Seas Mr. Aphrodisiac

Fun with Telemarketers: Part Deux

2009-03-20T20:12:00.010-04:00

Again a telemarketer calls me - I love when they call and I have some drink in me:

Esq has documented the events from her P.O.V.

Me: Helluh?
Esq: silence. takes a sip of wine, looks at the TV, chews some lumpia YUM! another sip of wine.
Me: WHAT ABOUT MY CELL PHONE?! WOULD I GET A NEW CELL PHONE?!
Esq: Looking confused like ish! *blink*
*I turn on the speakerphone*
Telemarketer: Our program could maybe cover the cost of your cell phone, but it really is for covering credit cards that get lost or stolen.
Me: What about my cell phone though. It's in my purse and it's expensive!
Telemarketer: Umm okay okay, let me check here. YES! It'll cover your cell phone.
Me: Could I get a black one. My cellphone now is black.
Telemarketer: Sure, I guess you could get any color you wanted.
Me: What about my purse. It's Coach and it's expensive like $400 would you cover that too?Telemarketer: I don't see why not. Um, okay so let me see... YES! That is covered too. This is a free program for you to try for 30 days.
Me: FREE! I get a new cell phone and Coach purse for FREE?! (free said in a shrill scream)Telemarketer: Yes it's free!
Me: And what color would my replacement Coach bag be?
Telemarketer: Whatever you like.

Lost in High Definition

2009-03-18T21:57:00.006-04:00

Why did I not realize sooner that LOST is in HD. Shame on me. This has to be one of the best shows on TV. They're really killing it this season. Heroes was pulling out in front for a bit, but they're falling back for me this season with the exception of Syler and Mohinder Suresh.

I digress...

Last week was THE single best episode this season thus far, and I'll go as far as to say it was the best for me collectively between this season and last season, just wow. Sawyer and Julliette, definitely like them together.

Ok - I shall now end this pointless blog entry and go back to watching...

A Bad Room?

2009-03-17T00:07:00.002-04:00

BK.....I sure hope you have a Bad Room

courtesy of engrish.com

Missed Connection - Hot Dogs

2009-03-16T10:02:00.007-04:00

I read this and had to Laugh out Loud........

Beeeeznatch how do you know he's not talking to his MOM!!!!?????

PSA - Narcissistic Personality (Disorder)

2009-03-15T10:41:00.004-04:00

A Narcissistic Personality is defined as an inflated sense of importance and a deep need for admiration. (i.e. always needs to feel loved) They believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, and vulnerability to the slightest criticism.

Symptoms include:

Believing that you're better than others
Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
Exaggerating your achievements or talents
Expecting constant praise and admiration
Believing that you're special
Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
Taking advantage of others
Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
Being jealous of others
Believing that others are jealous of you
Trouble keeping healthy relationships
Setting unrealistic goals
Being easily hurt and rejected
Having a fragile self-esteem
Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional

The criteria is as follows - to qualify (5) five or more of the following should be met:

Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power or beauty
Believing that you are special and can associate only with equally special people
Requiring constant admiration
Having a sense of entitlement
Taking advantage of others
Inability to recognize needs and feelings of others
Being envious of others
Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner

Isproph

2009-03-13T10:45:00.006-04:00

The following is a true story:

On my way out one night, I made a pit stop at 7-11 to buy a pack of gum and get some money. Well, outside are a couple guys....kinda cute, in a "call me when I'm down and out and drunk off a whole bottle of rum" sorta way, I suppose. Well, I go in, take care of what I need to do, walk out and proceed to get in my car. One of the guys stops me, initiates some small talk, asks for the number, and tells me that he and his boy travel a lot because they are...

wait for it...

"Musicians"

I wonder where their car is as they walk off into the moonlight...*blank stare*

Well, I indiscriminately gave him my number. Yeah yeah, I've gotten the "be more discriminate lecture" already...

I get to my girls house, we go out and have a great time. I completely forget that I've given Milli- Vanilla, The traveling twosome my phone number, and so goes the text message conversation:

Incoming text: wuts up ma

me: not much, who's this?
Incoming text: Isproph

Now mind you, being that I speak and text, for the most part, in proper engrish, I assume that this person is trying to say "It's Proph"

me: who?
Incoming text: Isproph
me: what's your name?
Incoming text: Isproph
me: what?
Incoming text: my bad ma, I think I got the wrong #
me: where do I know you from?
Incoming text: This is David from 7-11 but call me Isproph
me: oh

and another *blank stare*

What is an Isproph?

Fun with Telemarketers

2009-03-11T20:48:00.005-04:00

Recording: "This is your final chance to renew the factory warranty on your car....BLAH BLAH BLAH......press 1 to remove yourself BLAH etc....press 2 to speak with a representative who can assist you with your factory warranty"

I'm thinking - How in thee hell do these people know that my factory warranty is about to expire when I just got this phone number and secondly - my car is going on 3 years old and these calls just started....NEGATIVE LOWLIFE TELEMARKETING COMPANY

I press 2

Telemarketing chick: Would you like to extend or reinstate the warranty on your vehicle?
Me: IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE????!!!!!! MY LICENSE IS SUSPENDED AND I DON'T HAVE A CAR!!!!!!!!!
Telemarketing chick: *click*

Thought O' the Day

2009-03-08T23:53:00.009-04:00

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. I'm sure we all have one person that makes us throw up a little in our mouths, the one that would repulse our friends if we ever admitted to touching them with a ten foot pole. Oh, you don't?....*coughIdon'teithercough* I keed I keed.....but hypothetically speaking, IF I did, now would be the point where I made the conscious decision to stop regretting it.

I digress.....

Love the people who treat you right, and forget about the ones that don't and/or LET THEM THE FUCK GO!!. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands - if it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just said it would be worth it.

Writing Personals: Part Deux

2009-03-02T18:31:00.009-05:00

Another friend, another personals ad - Take TWO

Me:
Highly charged outspoken live wire, Say what I think and mean what I say. Relentless at board games: Do not pass GO, Do not collect $200 -> I'll send you directly to JAIL. Reality and daytime TV junkie, hoes need to close those legs! Social Butterfly like Mariah. Intelligent conversation and red wine (NO screw tops) = your best friend until the end of the bottle.

You:

Hard working and non materialistic. Name brands? Don't care - spend your money on your future (and/or me and red wine). Supportive, honest and caring. Perfect if you love cinna-stix, shrimp and plastic tumblers.

Writing Personals: Part Uno

2009-03-01T12:31:00.014-05:00

A while back I was unofficially tasked to write up a catchy little ad for my friend. I never got around to it because it's hard enough to write something beguiling and grammatically correct for myself, then you add the additional pressure of doing it for someone else and I ended up drawing a complete blank. Anyhow, I will now take a couple stabs at completing the ad so BK can line up some non-committal lunch dates.

"Fun Sized Personals" - Take ONE...

Me:

Latina, a Brooklyn transplant.. Colombian - don't be afraid of my Colombian-ness, it's my natural heat. I laugh sometimes so hard that my eyes water. Tattoos strategically located so I can maintain a professional image during the work week. Child free for now - I have a dog. Last but not least - I'm not short, I'm fun sized!
You:
Funny, Sarcastic and Witty. Make me laugh so hard that I cry. Intelligent, goal oriented and honest. Clean with Good Hygiene - germs are secured! Extra points for tastefully done tattoos and/or being able to recite Slick Rick & Doug E Fresh.

What man could pass up a fun-sized, tatted up, Colombian chick?!

An Excercise in Self Absorption

2009-02-28T18:53:00.005-05:00

The following is one of those, I suppose you would call it a "get to know you" type thing from Facebook. I was perusing a number of blogs earlier today and one of them had posted their "25 things" so I thought, why the h-e-double hockey sticks not? It's my blog and I shall do as I please <3

1. I love to play games: Scrabble, Scattergories, Cranium, Taboo (even though I suck at this one). Game night with friends and drinks is a must every so often.
2. I was born and raised in San Diego, Chula Vista to be exact, 8 miles from the Mexico border....and Tijuana "the most visited city in Mexico". Nobody can believe that I don't want to go back to SD. I'm happy here in Va and I like it. Va Beach is essentially SD on the East Coast with seasons....and it's too damn expensive out there in Cali!
3. When I find something I like - be it jeans, shoes, body spray - I buy at least 2, just in case I ruin one or use one up, I have a back up.
4. I'm WAY too nice and I wear my heart on my sleeve. Leaves a lot of room for me to be taken advantage of, and yes it has happened MANY times. Will I ever learn?
5. I'm a sucker for reality television. How the hell do those women kiss Flava? Just WOW. They are so ridiculous, yet I get sucked in every time.
6. I can't tell a story or a joke to save my life. It sounds wonderful and funny in my head, but the verbal diarrhea is a complete mess. I end up laughing at myself through the whole thing and nothing makes sense anyway.
7. I was in the Navy for 8 years. 6 years active, 2 reserve. Nuclear Power w00t! - Electronics w00t! again.
8. I don't like change. Change causes anxiety. I don't avoid it and it usually ends up for the best, but I'm all about routine....what can I say - I'm a Taurus. I can say, though, that's why I gravitate towards people who are spontaneous, I need/like that in my life.
9. I have no idea how to change a tire, well maybe its one of those things where its intimidating to me and I'm afraid that I won't apply enough torque and the tire will come flying off on the interstate.
10. I have organizational OCD. Everything has to be at a particular angle and/or symmetrical or I have to adjust it immediately. The exception is the small mountain of clean laundry I can never seem to get rid of.
11. I love hot sauce and put it on everything. I also like to "borrow" fire sauce from Taco Bell. I usually have a collection in the fridge.
12. I can normally find humor in everything. If something requires compassion, I promise not to make a funny and to be compassionate, but if you trip over your left foot and scrape up your face...chances are, I'm laughing.
13. I'm super geeky. Movies on opening night is one of my favorite things to do, especially if they open at IMAX. Harry Potter, Transformers, 300, Beowulf.....
14. Most everything I know is self taught. If I don't know it, I will look it up. Google is my friend. I can NOT stand ignorance.
15. Some of the best times of my life were during my time in the Navy - Med Cruise '99. What happens on deployment stays on deployment. HA, seriously nothing unspeakable happened, just a lot of partying and inebriation in foreign countries. Good times.
16. I got my motorcycle license this past August. I have a GSX-R 600 and want to ride SO bad. However, I'm afraid to and my battery is dead. I haven't had it out on the streets yet. I'm an official "parking lot pimp"
17. I'm shy and I think that can be misinterpreted as stuck up. I don't talk a lot, my theory is that the less you say, the more intelligent people think you are ;-)
18. I hate window shopping. When I go to the mall, I go knowing exactly what store I'm going to go to and what I want to buy. Don't get me wrong, I DO love to shop and love to buy things....who doesn't?... but walking around a mall with no purpose.....erm, has no purpose.
19. I have a horrible memory. Well selective memory, I forget names and birthdays but will remember your face....and dammit that annoying new song on the radio, yeah I know all the words to it.
20. I like dogs but have random dog allergies. Sometimes they make me sneeze, sometimes they don't. I want a dog, but I want an already trained dog, and it'll be a crap shoot on the allergic reaction.
21. I love to travel, and I will go to Italy even if I have to go solo. I'll take a nice romantic gondola ride in Venice with myself, and maybe do a little ditty like Madonna did in her Like a Virgin video.
22. I'm not a religious person despite the fact that my mother made me go to church with her every Sunday growing up while my brother was allowed to stay home and "clean his room".....yes I remember that shit brother.
23. After I got out of the Navy I was a field technician for Cox Communications. Yes, I used to haul that big ass ladder around, climb up utility poles with a hard hat, crawl under houses, and fumble around in attics. I loved the job but at the time they didn't pay enough for me to support my son and I.
24. I have one child and he is enough. I've been saying that if I meet someone with kids, I will happily accept them, in fact, I love single fathers....but my uterus housing another embryo will take a whole lot of convincing......MAJOR convincing.
25. I just wasted my Sunday morning doing this

The Date that didn't Happen

2009-02-28T09:45:00.011-05:00

This might be a result of PMS, maybe I over-reacted, maybe I expected too much...bottom line is when I get annoyed, I get annoyed and have to remove myself from a situation or one step further, not enter into the situation all together, because I can act like a complete "B", for those that are wondering what that is - that would be a BITCH.

So the plan was to go out to dinner with this guy I met, we shall call him Mr. Fish. I had to arrange for a babysitter and all that good stuff. BK offered up and said she would keep the little dude...Making sure my son is taken care of so I can go out and get a free dinner - CHECK

Well this wasn't stating out good for a few reasons. I agreed to go out, and although I'm more aggressive than not, I really want, like and prefer a man that can make a fucking decision.

Mr. Fish: So where do you want to go?
Me: It doesn't really matter but I'm all about trying new and different things and my sitter is over by the mall.
Mr. Fish: Well I've been craving sushi and there's a place over by where you live I want to go to.
Me: Ok, sushi is good - but there should be some places over by the mall too. (HINT HINT and reiterating the fact that my sitter is in the opposite direction of my house and even further than said sushi restaurant by my house)

See exhibit A:

Is that a difficult concept to understand? I know men can't read minds but FUCK - are you serious? It's not really a mind reading issue, and yes I could have easily made a command decision, but that would defeat the whole purpose. I mean its common fucking sense and maybe even a tad bit of compassion for my situation knowing that I have to drive all the way across town, not once, but TWICE to drop off and pick up my child. Needless to say, he decides on this Sushi place 20 miles away from my house knowing that I have to drop my son off in the opposite direction (refer to exhibit A). That's one round trip to drop off and then come back to my house to wait for him, and then go out and then be done and then another round trip to go pick up my son. NICE WORK SLIM .

OK whatever; I was really going to suck it up because, well, he decided on a place at least. I’m open minded, roll with it, but the final straw

….wait for it......

An hour before we're supposed to go, I get this "So where do you want to go?".

Wut?!!?? Wasn’t this established and reservations made YESTERDAY.

Not a good look.

Down the toilet went my Martini Wishes and Spicy Tuna Dreams

Drive by

2009-02-23T18:52:00.022-05:00

I had a drive by experience today. They happen every so often, normally I'm oblivious and don't pay attention to drivers in cars around me - unless of course I see someone picking their nose, but I'm very much like my mother: Eyes forward, elbows bent slightly, and hands at 10 and 2 on the wheel. She never deviated from that, it caused high stress and anxiety. BUT, I remember one time in band camp.....

I kid, I kid.....

Seriously, one time, I had to be in 5th grade, I was riding with my dad...Well we happened to see my mother on the road. First, imagine my 5'2" mother driving a large brown station wagon, she may have even been sitting on books, eyes forward, elbows barely bent, hands at 10 and 2. She didn't even bother to scan her surroundings. Well, my Dad decides to say "Hi" to her, you know get her attention. He speeds up next to her, honks his horn and begins to wave like a mad man....guess what, mother doesn't flinch - eyes remain forward, elbows slightly bent and hands at 10 and 2.

How can you not notice a car speeding up to catch up to you, then honk, and proceed to wave like a freaking crazy person?

I digress.....

So, I'm an aggressive driver, I hate when people pull out in front of me and DRIVE SLOW. I hate when people drive side by side on a 2 lane road at the SAME SPEED!!!! Pass on the left, cruise on the right, Is that so difficult to understand? DAYUM! I just hate when people dilly dally on the road in general. I have places to go, don't hinder my progress. Anyway, today as I was aggressively driving around a dumb ass van that pulled out in front of me and proceeded to dilly dally at approximately 20mph in a 35mph zone, I aggressively pulled around the idiot and got in front of the dummy and went about my merry way *all in a very safe manner*. It just so happened that my actions caught the attention of a gentleman driver in an adjacent car. He looks at me like I'm crazy so in an effort to divert his attention from my *very safe* aggressive driving, I flash my pearly whites. I must have charmed his socks off because he drove beside me for a few minutes. We stopped at a light and he boldly went where no man on the road has ever gone before (well not in 2009) - he asked me for my number.

I quickly run through my check list, which, being the genius that I am, made up on the fly.....

Cute - CHECK
Nice car - CHECK

Qualifications met....I rolled down my passenger window and YELLED my number over to him. Thank GOODNESS I no longer have the Jetta with the non-automatic windows. How would that look if I had to lean over to roll the window down.

Mr. Drive By has the number.......

...to be continued

Neglecting Gixxie

2009-02-20T11:57:00.007-05:00

I've been completely neglecting my baby.....well for a couple reasons:

She's out of juice right now
I don't have the proper gear

So to make this negative a positive (another goal for 2009 - make negatives positives, yay me) I am going to do what I do best and shop, yes purchase some riding gear:

Completely girly and SO cute. I think it's kind of Pink Power Ranger-ish (and yes that was my goal w00t!).

Patience is a Virtue

2009-02-18T10:50:00.006-05:00

I admit I am impatient......However my impatience comes in spurts. In one situation I can sit and wait patiently and in another, maybe even similar situation - just a different day, I will literally pluck strands of hair and gouge my eyeballs out with a rusty spoon - simultaneously. It's a toss up.

I had my yearly "female check up", yeah the wonderful OB-GYN. After sitting for a good 30 minutes in the waiting area, I finally get called back. The nurse does her routine...

"First day of your last menstrual cycle?"

Fucking SHIT - why do I ALWAYS draw a blank when these people ask me to remember this crap. You know its a good doctors office if they have a HUGE calendar in the triage area.

"On any medications?"

Ok you get the point....

I’m ushered into the room with the dreaded stirrups....nice. I think to myself "I hope I remembered to wear my nice green and white striped socks today"

"Get undressed; put this on, opening to the back and have a seat, Doc will be with you in just a moment"

10 minutes - no doc......

20 minutes - no doc..........

30 minutes - sitting buck ass nekkid with my socks on and a paper gown - no doc ......

I get up and walk across the room to the chair that I've piled my clothing on and start to get dressed because I'm tired of waiting, I'm about to leave. As I do this the Doc opens the door to tell me "I will be RIGHT in". Of course I'm startled so I RUN back to the table and throw my clothes across the room onto the chair. I hear the Doc outside the door asking the nurse.....

"Why are there clothes flying across this exam room?"

American Idol

2009-02-17T21:59:00.019-05:00

Despite my utter annoyance with blogs that are about TV shows, or celebrity obsessions, or where people just type out words to songs (yeah so I've done at least one of these and am about to do another, I tend to do things that deeply annoy me, but when I do them - I obviously don't find it annoying *such is life*). I am about to sit here and ramble on about American Idol's first 12 performers......but only because my favorite performed with the group:

American Idol Season 8 - Danny Gokey

*his singing gives me chills*

Anyhow, before him it was Elliot Yamin....He was definitely my pick to win during his run. I loved him to deaf

Digress....

Other notables that I like and will be following:

Anoop Desai - "I love him forever!"
Ricky Braddy - he's a cutie and sang well too, I just always think that balads are so boring for American Idol, and that's what he chose.
Alexis Grace - She was awesome, that little white girl has SOUL. I love her forever too.
Tatiana del Toro - not my pick to go all the way, but I love her for her quirkiness and she did good. "Everrryone is cooozins in Pwerrrrto Rrrrrico"

Again...Danny Gokey....."Take that ISH"

It will be interesting to see who the judges will bring back to compete for the final 3 spots.

Viva La.......Italy?

2009-02-17T13:08:00.007-05:00

I've decided that despite the many times I've claimed that I will do some traveling and see new places, that I WILL actually travel.

So this year will be Italy..... Venice and Rome. I actually spent some time in Italy during my little stint in the military but it's all a blur now.

Italy Here I come......

VD

2009-02-15T08:57:00.005-05:00

Happy VD! - I think if someone said that to me, just like that, in abbreviated form, the following would run through my head:

VD = Venereal Disease? - "Ah, yes the scabies are greatly appreciated. I love you too baby"
VD = Victory Day? - "We are the Victors!, you lose! Thank you"
VD = Vapor Density? - "YES! 1/2 molar mass, it took me forever to figure that out. Thank You SO much!"
VD = Volume of Distribution? - "yes you did it, It was achieved with that last dose of Viagra! YOU are awesome!"

Ooooooooh, today is the 14th, I get it.....

ValentiMes Day....Yes Happy VD.

Why can't you use correct grammar Shawty?

2009-02-13T12:26:00.018-05:00

I've noticed this trend on the interwebz, well OK, Craigslist specifically......WHAT? SO FUCKING WHAT? I read Craigslist like a dog licks his balls - every chance he gets. Anyway, I read these things and wonder WHY people don't spell check their shit. Is there something I'm missing? Did Microsoft come out with the "text slang save time grammar and spell check" with the new windows service pack? So anyway, I'm perusing the postings and apparently this guy goes to the mall with his "lil brutha" and decided that he wanted a hat or that he at least wanted to browse the selection. He goes to the "hatstore". He looks at the hats. He decides to buy one. I would venture to say that he picked up a few different colors while he was browsing, maybe a blue one, then a red one. He sees a girl in the store that catches his eye, he's way too shy to say anything and his "lil brutha" is rushing him out of the "hatstore".

This girl really made an impression on him, and as with all craigslist missed connection posters, they all begin with some variation of "This is a long shot" "You'll probably never see this".....I LOVE This one because he says....

"u probly neva c dis post...."

That is classic and I would be all over a man that reached out to me on craigslist with a message like that. That is the greatest first impression that could be made on a woman. I am so turned on by the exhibition of grammatical prowess. Oh how I wish that missed connection was for me.

Speed Dating 101

2009-02-11T10:51:00.010-05:00

It's one of my well known facts, and probably statistically proven - although I'd have to look that up and I don't feel like wasting any additional energy on Google-ing right now, that you know within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone whether you want to pursue something. Well, some genius decided to capitalize on this idea and develop "speed dating". What a novel idea!

8 men and 8 women on 8 - 5 minute mini dates. The object is to ask questions to get to know this other person:

"Do you have any Grey Poupon"

"What would you do for a klondike bar?"

"Do you repeat yourself often?"

"Do you repeat yourself often?"

"Can I have your baby?"

"Will you be my sugar daddy?"

CLASSIC.

BUILDER/explorer

2009-02-05T23:01:00.007-05:00

No not like Bob the Builder and Dora the Explorer......SWIPER NO SWIPE.....
Personality types. Major and minor. After watching a 20/20 special I went looking for the little personality test to gauge its accuracy.

Turns out I am a BUILDER/explorer. In other words 27% Builder - major personality type and 25% Explorer - minor personality type. The other 2 are the negotiator and director. Obviously they are in the mix somewhere but not quite as dominant as the Builder/explorer mix.

Here's the breakdown on the Builder/explorer:

Popular, trustworthy and dependable. Stable, loyal and caring with a wonderful knack for common sense.
A guardian. Relationships with friends, kin and colleagues are important, so time and energy is spent developing and defending these social networks. A good executive and manager. Sensible and factual, a hard worker. Likes schedules. Detail oriented. Tends to respect traditions. Brings strength and stability to social and business environments. Admires people who are spontaneous. Enjoys new and different ideas and experiences, as long as they are not dangerous. Respectability and appropriateness are important. Capable of deep, solid friendships.

Pretty interesting. According to the science of compatibility, my worst match is the Director. Probably all these fools I've been hanging out with thus far.

Things NOT to do.....

2009-02-02T09:32:00.010-05:00

Lesson #1:

Never leave your email logged on in a public location - I went to Circuit City, normally, I care about everyone, and wouldn't do such a terrible thing to someone I don't even know, but I was inspired. Some MOH-ron left their email logged in on one of the display laptops so I took it upon myself to read his emails and go through his contacts. Nothing really interesting in his in-box besides a bunch of spam from pr0n sites "Beautiful Latinas" and "Sexy chocolate Sistas"....yeah he deserves some shit. Anyhow, I decide to compose an email........

"I am so sorry that I never told you that I have herpes, please get yourself checked out"

SEND-------> and done, success.

Lesson #2:

Never double fist German white Riesling and Bacardi - It doesn't end up well. It ends quite bad actually. Did I sing the song? It's a mystery.

"She's happy, she's jolly, she's fucked up on Bacardi - so DRINK mother fucker DRINK mother fucker DRINK".....yeah that song.

Everyone puked, fortunately not at the same time.

Lesson #3:

Never do a guitar hero battle on xbox live with hyper guitar set to 5 playing L'Via L'Viaquez on medium difficulty AFTER double fisting German white Riesling and Bacardi - Fortunately or not so fortunate, I attempted the battle BEFORE praying to the porcelain God. I lost miserably, I think the other person dropped out. Bad for me. I WILL beat this damn song.

Really? I didn't know you were an Asshole, thank you for showing your true colors (for the zillionth time)

2009-01-30T08:49:00.014-05:00

Dear Asshole,

You've successfully proven that you are petty and juvenile (and this isn't the first time, I was just too blind too see it as it happened before). I'm not sure what spurred the insults or low blows (I think it's because you can't accept that I really don't want you - *gasp* at the fact that a woman doesn't fall to her knees when you enter a room), but it's stupid and makes you look like an idiot. Why can’t you drop it? I have. I guess if name calling makes you feel better, then, well, it makes you feel better. I’ve always known how you operate, never thought you would turn it on me though (it was entertaining to watch). I find it humorous that you believe that you could still have me if you wanted me – well, I hate to break the news to you, but I don't want you because, if that were the case, I would have been at the airport waiting for your pathetic ass. Really, whether you want me or not, I don’t care. It’s irrelevant and if you insist on insulting me, that’s fine, it doesn’t change the fact that you are a loser and I haven’t wanted you for months. I actually don't love you because you crushed any possibility of that with your selfish, self centered, conceited behavior. I don't care that you fell in love with another woman. Be with her. I don't want you. What part of that do you not understand? You are not all that. Leave me alone and leave your juvenile insults on the playground. While you're at it save some money and work on your credit, you might need it to support your new girlfriend, your three kids, her two kids and to pay for her to come to the U.S. so you can live happily ever after. If she's lucky you might not cheat on her.

Now, YOU go ahead and take care of yourself and have a good life.

Sincerely,
Me

Prepared to make an Impression

2009-01-29T14:29:00.006-05:00

Another true story (short but true):

We rolled into a club, and got hooked up VIP style. This guy that had been at an earlier spot was there, and yea I was eyeballing him because well, he was pretty damn cute through my Bacardi goggles. So, I boldly stroll up to the bar and straddle his leg. I don’t know maybe he got the wrong idea at that point....

OK wait for it....

So I take him back to the V.I.P....We're all dancing, we get tired and sit down. He pulls out his cell phone and starts scrolling through pictures. He shows me a picture of his pen-fifteen. WUT?!!!!

So, he has a picture of his johnson on his phone, I HAVE encountered this sort of behavior before...but um, yeah we JUST met like an hour ago. Well, moving along, he happens to have video too.

Next up on the cell phone for my viewing pleasure....

..::THE AMAZING ROTATING STIFFY::..

I had to take it and pass it around to my friends, and surprisingly he sat back and basked in his glory as my friends watched the rotating stiffy. He had NO issue with it at all.

Now I pose these questions:

Why would a man have a video of his penis on his phone?
Who took this video for him?
Why would this man show me this video not even 2 hours into knowing him? (maybe it was the leg straddling at the bar, sue me)

Just amazing.

Bourgeoisie adventures at the local taco establishment

2009-01-29T13:52:00.010-05:00

BITCH, don’t be so Bourgeoisie!!!

So today at lunch, I had an appointment - right after I made a stop at a Taco Bell to grab a quick bite before I headed back to work. As I was greedily piling fire sauce into my bag - and simultaneously scanning my surroundings - ensuring that the patrons don't see me stocking up on fire sauce for future use (hey it comes in handy), the manager struck up a conversation with me as he refilled the sauce bins.

"What your name is?"

OK, I'm kidding.

Really he was very nice and asked where I was from, and what brought me to this area. He followed me to the other side of the counter close to the door, and said something that I made him repeat like 4 times because I'm DEAF...

"Do you have any proactive?"

WTF?

"Have you seen my narrative?"

No?

"Can I get some additive?"

huh? - I'm sorry I can't hear what you're saying....

"You are very attractive" he utters as he leans over so I can finally understand what he's saying in all my deafness. Aaaahhhhhhh, thank you.

ANYWAY, He opened the door for me and walked with me to my car. I thought he was going to get in and drive off into the sunset with me. He gave me his number and invited me back to Taco Bell. Maybe I'll get a free chalupa or something.

If a man really wants you (i.e. ME)

2009-01-25T12:28:00.019-05:00

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. I shouldn't have to fight for attention, or knowingly compete with another woman. In my opinion, it should be a personal decision that the man makes IF he wants me. Some men claim they have no time etc etc etc. Well, truth be told - If its the right person, time will ALWAYS be made. Yeah yeah, I'm guilty of it too, the "I just don't have any time" blow off. Claiming I'm oh SO busy. Truth be told, I'm probably just washing my hair, cutting my toenails, watching reruns of The Office, i.e. not that busy, however if you were the "the one I want to make the time for man" I'd throw my hair up in a bun, clip my dawgs another day and make time. That's just how it works. There is ALWAYS TIME, nothing short of death will keep him away - and well even then, sometimes death won't, but then we'd be talking about zombies and that's an entirely different conversation.

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Really, no amount of duct tape, Elmer's glue, homemade Filipino rice glue, rope, fuzzy handcuffs, Crisco grease, or earmuffs will make a man stay if he doesn't want to. If he does stick around when his heart isn't in it, then he's bangin random chicks on the side or has another girlfriend or maybe even a wife. Pay attention to the signs. If he still wants to leave after Crisco and fuzzy earmuffs, let him go.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. So he had a one night stand when he was out with his buddies one night. "Well he was really drunk and he's never done this before and he swore he didn't do anything to her he doesn't do to me. He promised that he didn't get her number and that he used a condom"....DUMMY he claims he was SOOOOO drunk, how does he know what really happened. Riiiiiiiiiight, he knew EXACTLY what he was doing, and it's probably not the first time!!! Make an excuse this time, I can personally guarantee that it will happen again and/or it has happened before. Matter of fact, if I ever win the lottery (my numbers are coming up Tuesday, I can FEEL it!) I'll put 50k on it. I'm THAT sure.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. This is a hard one, because as a woman, while making excuses about all the effed up behavior, the intuition is being ignored. What a conundrum. That gut feeling is there, but the excuses are making it all better and disguising that gut feeling as hunger pangs. Yeah yeah, so we're so distraught over the effed up behavior and being hurt, that eating is forgotten, obviously that intuitive gut feeling that he's no good is hunger. Go grab a hot pocket and call it a day. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
The signs are always there, as previously stated. I personally am not going to compromise myself for someone else's mistakes. The ship has sailed and I'm heading in the opposite direction. Don't expect me to act like the world famous Ringling Brothers and put on the greatest show on earth to make you remember what you had. You chose to forget it, so keep it moving. I never went out of my way before, it will not commence now.

Slower is better. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand HALT. Rushing into it doesn't benefit anything. If the mofo is worth anything he'll be there in 3 months just like he'll be in 11 months. Slower is definitely better. That's why I'm a birgin. (That typo is there for a reason)

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve....then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Never ever think that a man can be changed. That mofo has to want to change himself FOR himself not for anyone else.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man. Oh Lord!? If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. This is the most important lesson of all. Man, I don't know what women think (self included - been there done that and not proud of it because yes it bit me in the arse). I am not that special and I really thought I was. I'm sure the next chick thinks she is special too. I hope she is, but realistically speaking.....history repeats itself, and that IS a fact.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. Oh so true! Ladies that have men that cheat, verbally abuse you, lie, maybe even get physical.....it is allowed. I've learned that love is not enough. I can have all the love in the world for a person, but with the knowledge that he will never treat me right - I will not continue to clean his doo doo stains and cook his peanut butter and jelly. Oh no!

All men are NOT dogs. This remains to be seen for me. I'm definitely optimistic, and I'm sure there is one man out there who is honest, committed, intelligent, and successful AND insanely funny/witty.....*GASP* that sounds like so much to ask for. Yeah 99% of the good ones are taken, which narrows the pickins, but referring back to the never borrow someone’s man....it's a vicious cycle that makes way too much sense.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.

You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. The infamous relationship jumping, in the next one before the last one is over. Where does that leave anyone? It probably ends with a whole lot of heartache.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, another RETHINK her choices and another woman PREPARE.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them. Yes indeed, I’ll forever be scarred by the P.O.S. that screwed me over claiming that I was his best friend and that he loved me. What an eye opening experience…..it will definitely take me a lifetime to forget.

The Wing Man

2009-01-18T10:33:00.007-05:00

I actually had the pleasure of witnessing a group of boys discuss who was going to be the wing man for one of their friends. It was the funniest thing I had seen in a looong time.

So I was in a bar with a very raunchy name being a pool shark. I really suck at pool, like I suck at Taboo, but well I happened to get lucky. There were 2 drunk girls playing shuffleboard. One was, I suppose, the "cute" one, and her friend was the "take one for the team" girl.

A group of 4 or 5 guys came in sat at the bar, ordered beers and one went over to the chicks at the shuffleboard table and started talking to the "cute" girl. He looks over at his group of friends and says "Hey man come over here and play!" Not at any one of them in particular, it was more of an open plea for one of them to come play and keep "take one for the team" girl occupied and seal the deal with"cute" girl for the night.

Their discussion wasn't really in depth either, it was "dude, do you see that shit"....then they shook their heads and drank beer.

Cupid Shuffle

2009-01-15T14:18:00.009-05:00

I've decided to stop doing the cupid shuffle. It's reminiscent of the rain dance. You know, do the rain dance and it's supposed to start raining? Well, with that said, in theory, if one were to do the cupid shuffle, you would draw the conclusion that by the completion of the dance, you would be madly in love - hit by cupids arrow, you know the story...

HAH! Blasphemy.

Do the rain dance = Chances are its not raining (seriously how DO you do the rain dance anyway?!)
Do the cupid shuffle = Chances are you are on a dance floor with a bunch of drunk sweaty people bumping into each other and not particularly capable of falling in love at that moment.

Point is, the opposite happens. No rain with the rain dance and No cupid with his chubby ankles and love soaked arrow with the shuffle.

I'm going to start doing the "Lying cheating bastard shuffle"

Trash can Bonfire! wut?

2009-01-13T16:07:00.004-05:00

Memorial Day Weekend 2008 - True Story.

It was a nice pre-summer day. A number of people had gathered, having fun, cooking a whole bunch of food, playing spades, drinking beer and large amounts of various types or liquor. The setting - a backyard, not necessarily a landscaped backyard - well there was a rusted car in the back left hand corner that the kids were playing on, and a rundown shed to the right.

Messley Swipes, a somewhat less dapper version of the famous Wessley Snipes, was hosting the event and Mr. Squid, his homeboy, carried a makeshift bar in his trunk. He literally pulls out two blenders, a card table and extension cords and sets up a bar next to the grills and starts mixing up the Pina Coladas! Maybe we should have brought out a tip jar too?

So I get in line...........(did you insert a blank stare here like I did?)

Drink in hand, I sit and sip on my fresh backyard blended colada. Esquire and I are relaxing, listening to music, people watching.

Messley creates a bonfire in a metal trash can, in his backyard, in the middle of Norfolk, Virginia?!!?!.....and well....it wasn't because anyone was cold. Mariah - Fantasy was playing in the background. Instead of questioning the events, we began to sing along with Mariah as he chucked trash into the can and we watched as the flames stretched up into the Norfolk sky.

It was beautiful.

My craigslist obsession is dwindling

2009-01-12T10:17:00.004-05:00

After achieving "best of" a few months back, that challenge, that Je ne sais quoi, that Craigslist "it" factor is no longer present. Not to mention, I suspect the same 3 or 4 attention starved people are posting up different ads in an attempt to jump start their non-existent social life. I know one in particular is running through trying to steal my glory, I even set some bait for him and he bit like a big fat bass going for that wiggly worm in the salty ass Chesapeake Bay.

I caught you, you fake Craigslist poster!!

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck....

2009-01-10T14:08:00.007-05:00

That doesn't mean it's a damn hippopotamus. That means its a duck!!

I'm guilty of it, we all are at one point or another, guilty of trying to make someone believe we're not a duck when we're waddling along on webbed feet and everything coming out our mouths is a quack this quack that. The point is recognizing that you have webbed extremities and getting that crap taken care of.

..::Some are willing to accept their faults, and the rest will never change::..

Another year gone...

2009-01-01T00:08:00.021-05:00

Yes, another year come and gone. 2008 is officially over and 2009 is here!!!! (can you sense the excitement in my typing??) 2008 has been a bad year, I'm sure everyone is going to make that claim, insert standard toast line:

"[past year here] has sucked donkey ballz, lets make [new year here] better."

I have to say though, that mine really DID suck. I've been essentially alone on NYE for as long as I can remember. NYE 2006 - was with my man at the time, but he decided sleeping was more important. NYE 2007 - house full of people but the one I wanted to be standing next to me and share a kiss with when the ball dropped decided that the guests were more important - I mean damn, could I get 5 seconds? NYE 2008 - a busted ass new years eve to close out the busted ass year. However, to offset the complaining, let me look on the bright side:

I'm alive.
I'm still employed contrary to the current status of the economy.
I have a roof over my head and will continue to have a roof over my head given my employment status does not change.
I have my son (however not with me for the Holidays).

I suppose I had options for tonight, but nobody I truly would have liked to share the evening with - whether friends or a date - were around, i.e. nobody cared to ask if I wanted to hang out. I got more invited from perfect strangers than from my "closest" friends.

Is it that serious though? It's just another night and I need to pull myself together.

Happy New Year!

Some 2008 Lessons Learned

2008-12-22T10:42:00.009-05:00

I've learned some good stuff this year.

I've learned that....

You never ever get your hair cut in the mall unless you really don’t give a damn and don’t mind waking up the next morning with poufy mullet bangs. Good hairdresser = Good hair.
You never eat at a Mexican restaurant unless there are Mexicans working there. Same for Chinese food, Mexicans cooking Chinese food is a huge faux pas.
I can post the most outrageously made up missed connection on Craig’s list and some person who appears on every dating site known to man will respond thinking I am referring to him. Sarcastic undertones in a blatant made up missed connection post + ignorance = desperation. I, personally, only respond to ones that have outright references to me.
I suck at Taboo.
You can lead a man to a good woman but you can’t make him be faithful or trustworthy. I guess that means he wasn’t a good man to begin with.
Magnifying makeup mirrors are the devil.
It's ok to be single. You don't have to wash doo doo stains out of anyones underwear.
I won't ever be anyone's #2

Christmas Spirit

2008-12-22T10:13:00.003-05:00

Movie time with leisure suit Larry

2008-12-17T13:39:00.019-05:00

True Story - although not the REAL Leisure suit Larry ( I mean he is a virtual character), Larry (not his real name) did have greasy hair and that used car salesman swagger. Oh wait - he WAS a used car salesman!

Every time this happens I swear to the dating God's over a pint of Ben and Jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a couple glasses of diet coke that I will NEVER ever go out on a date with another man that I meet on line evArrrrrrrrrrrrr. Well, that normally lasts until my last bite of ice cream and swig of soda. The cycle never ends. As if Leisure suit Larry's greasy head, used car salesman swagger and Skeletor-ish good looks weren't enough, his idea of a first date was a movie.

Outstanding!

I think its common knowledge that a first meeting/date/whatever should never be a movie. Why on earth would you go to the movies? Let's break this down:

You can't talk. Well you really shouldn't talk - you know "don't create your own soundtrack - the movie already has one"?. So, if we do go to the movies and you try to hold a conversation with me about anything ESPECIALLY the movie, I guarantee popcorn will be crammed down your external auditory canal so you cant hear shit. On the bright side you may have a snack later when you pick the kernels out.
You can't gaze into each others eyes because you're sitting side by side. At best you go to one of the snazzy stadium seating theaters where the arm rest lifts and if you're not too nervous you can cop a feel with the "accidental" arm or leg rub.
You can't play footsies, for the reason stated above - you're sitting side by side. I might be able to kick the hell out of you as I gracefully cross my legs, but that's about it.

With all that said - THANK THE LORD we went to the movies!!!! I don't think I could have gazed into "Larry's" eyes, the greasy hair would have been distracting.

A Random Musing about OPP (other peoples personals)

2008-12-14T18:52:00.015-05:00

I've come to the conclusion that people are idiots (surprise surprise). Now, I myself, am not perfect, FAR from it. I have never claimed perfection and matter of fact, I experience sporadic waves of imperfection as well as brief moments of pure stupidity.

I find pure comic relief in perusing OPP (other peoples personals) and laugh myself silly wondering WHO in thee HELL is going to respond to the damn things!?

So this guy apparently is looking for a "real woman", I mean he IS a "real man" that smells good. He has pictures, including a picture of his closet full of his "kicks" and "gear". Do you think maybe he's trying to impress us with his organizational skills? That closet looks very organized. Hmmmmm, he's going to attract a winner with that one. A real gold digging winner, or...better yet, a man who wants to share his gear. How about the fact that he points out he is a "black man". He must want a smart woman too because we obviously can't tell his skin color simply by looking at his pictures. Yes, and he's creative - I fail to see the creativity in his ad, however the organization of his closet shows a bit of style. Oh and wait! He is FREAKY too! Oh baby, let me message him NOW.

The original Road Dawg

2008-12-14T11:50:00.009-05:00

Is it REALLY true that once you move past a relationship - i.e. it fails, that it will never work again? Why revisit? It FAILED! I do tend to agree, but the optimist and hopeless romantic in me tends to disagree, contrary to every logical bone in my body.

The other night, I went out for a few drinks...I walk into the establishment and being my normal random self, I point towards the bar as I cruise right by the hostess. In my head, my pointing and non-stop walking was supposed to let her know that "Hey woman, no need to say anything, I'm about to go sit my ass down at the bar and order a drink, no need to ask me how many in my party - smoking or non?” I do that a lot; I have these elaborate thoughts in my head and fail to speak them. I should probably work on that:

*Note to self - have voice in head speak up more often - Step #1 for more effective communication.

As I’m pointing, I notice that I'm pointing right at this guy sitting on the other side of the bar by himself. In addition to my pointing motion, being my normal random self, I also have this big cheesy smile on my face. This guy obviously thinks I'm smiling and pointing at him. It took a lot to contain my laughter. He was pretty cute. And I’m sure he thought I was a goof.....

Digress.

Anyway, point is, I ran into an old friend, we were tight back in the day, like years of tightness. He has changed in a very good way, I’m impressed. Unfortunate that he's married now. Not for him of course, definitely for me. Very funny how things happen, how life happens. People don’t wait, life doesn’t wait. Live.

Awesomeness

2008-12-09T14:25:00.013-05:00

As it turns out, perfect strangers appreciate my sense of (or lack of) humor, as evidenced by my nomination and subsequent inclusion to the "Best-of-Craigslist" postings. If you get a chance peruse this section. It's great!!

Men who have "kitty kats" (figuratively speaking)

2008-12-07T14:37:00.011-05:00

I'm a woman of the millennium, I'd like to think I'm independent. I take care of myself and don't expect or need a man to take care of me monetarily (its certainly nice if they have the ability to, but that's neither here nor there). I consider myself a mixture of modern woman and old fashioned.

I've found that I don't like men that complain. It's MY job to bitch and complain, that's a woman role. Being that I am a bit old fashioned means, in my book, that a man should be manly. You can show emotion, I appreciate that, but if your life ALWAYS sucks and all you can do is be down and out and complain - leave me out of it. Your job is to make ME happy, and listen to ME bitch and moan as I see fit (and I don’t do that often). And oh yes......

CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD!! (at least I hope not)

So I've determined the following....

Man Roles:

Take out the trash so I have room to throw away your crap.
Change the light bulbs when they burn out so I can see what the hell I'm cooking you for dinner.
Make sure my car runs (oil, tune ups, etc) so I can buy groceries and cook for your ass.
Open car doors for me so I feel special and like I'm #1 and don't think about all the other chicks you have on your myspace top friends.
Listen to me bitch, moan and complain (on the occasion that I do) and LIKE it. Humor me without making me feel like you're humoring me, I can tell if you are. If you cheer me up, rewards for you will follow. (I don't think men realize this)

Woman roles (i.e. things I do):

Cook dinner for you so you don't have to go to that chicks house you met last week.
Wash your clothes so I don't have to see your doo doo stains in your boxers.
Keep your drinks filled or a beer in hand so you don't have to get up off your lazy butt.
Keep the house clean so you don't feel like you're living with your ex, you left her for a reason right?

Is that too much to ask? I do know this - there shouldn’t collectively be any decision making without any consultation – that’s the millennium woman speaking. That is a deal breaker, especially if money is involved.....and don't be mad if I make more than you - I'll still cook and clean and wash the doo doo out of your boxers.

I got my T-Shirts, YES!

2008-12-07T00:16:00.005-05:00

Courtesy of T-shirt hell

I ain't got no crabs (bad place for a first date)

2008-12-05T19:35:00.009-05:00

Joe's Crab Shack, Great place to eat, Horrible choice for a first date - unless of course you just want some bomb ass coconut shrimp and don't give a damn about the conversation. So, This is how it goes:

Conversation -> conversation -> order -> sip on drinks (to loosen up) -> LOUD ASS Rose Royce "At the car wash" and all the emotionless, zombie-like servers on the floor between the tables dancing like synchronized swimmers and/or fish out of water (I mean it IS a seafood restaurant) -> OK they're done -> resume conversation -> eat -> drink

DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!

LOUD ASS Cupid "Cupid Shuffle" -> commence with all the emotionless, zombie-like servers on the floor between the tables, dancing once again like synchronized swimmers and/or again like fish out of water (yes as I mentioned before it IS a seafood restaurant) doing the cupid shuffle -> OK they're done again.

In their defense - there was ONE server who looked like she enjoyed dancing in between the tables and actually looked excited and showed some sort of emotion. She had rhythm. Remember the Steve Martin movie when he finds his rhythm? OK never mind.

Bottom line....don't go on a first date to Joe's Crab Shack unless...
#1 - You are in an established relationship and you don't give a damn whether you talk.
#2 - You don't give a damn about your date and you're only in it for some grub and cocktails!

Ice Cubes

2008-12-03T23:07:00.009-05:00

I woke up the other morning knowing I would soon be thirsty as hell. I decided to fill up a container with ice and go back to sleep. Why you ask? It's simple science...

"Do you want some ice right now?"
"No, but I want some water later, so yeah"

It's genius! Just like relationships - "Hey, do you want to get married?"...."No, but I want to get divorced later, so yeah".